Breaking up is hard to do

I had a bit of a spiritual turmoil this past weekend, leading me to the point of nearly throwing it all in and going back to church.  I'm really tired of never making that connection with the gods.  Getting started but never making inroads.  It's frustrating.

I couldn't do it though.  Couldn't go back to church.  I don't own a bible anymore so I thought I would go to the Christian bookstore to see if they had the one I was looking for.  They didn't.  They barely had any bibles at all.  But the whole time I was there I was so uncomfortable, feeling the negativity like it was physical.  I had to leave.

So we went to Walmart to do the rest of my shopping.  We always walk down the candle/incense aisle to see if there's anything new.  There was.  Someone had placed a six inch tall, free-standing cross in the midst of the incense.  Knowing fundies like I do, I'm almost positive...no, I am positive...that it was done in an attempt to "cleanse" the area from the pagans or anyone using incense for spiritual purposes.  And to "sanctify" it for their god.  I've never done anything like that myself, but I know of people who have.

That was the straw that broke the camel's back for me and I knew for certain that I couldn't go back there, even if the church were a liberal one with very loving people in it.  I just don't believe in their god.  Well, I believe that their chief god, Yahweh, exists, but I don't believe in Jesus, nor do I believe theirs is monotheism at all.  It's just an end run around the whole polytheism thing.

So what to do?  I'm not doing well with the Greeks.  Sure initially they come in and settle themselves and within a few weeks are aloof and uninterested in me, unresponsive to my efforts.  I don't ask for anything so it's not like I'm just using them.  It happens every time.

I've never really gotten to know the Norse/Anglo Saxon gods because of the affiliations of their followers.  I really hate the racist groups that claim them but there is also the group of men who are just militaristic and think of themselves as "warriors" and focus on the Viking era when the Norse were plundering, raping and pillaging.  They tend to be a bit misogynistic if you happen to sit in and listen to their bullshit.

I know they aren't even the majority, but they are vocal and alongside the racist groups it compiles too high a percentage for me.

Still, the gods aren't their followers.  If I can just divorce them from the idiots who worship them, maybe I can get to know them.  Not their reputations based on their followers.  Not an easy task for me.

First step is just getting to know them.  Nothing more.  No commitments.  No jumping in with both feet.  But also important is opening myself up to them.  I think I've spent way too much time building barriers to my heart because of the pain I endured from Christianity.  Maybe it's time to let the deities in and let them love me back.

I don't know if it will work or if I will get hurt again, but I'm lonely for the gods.  Maybe it's time to take a chance again.