Spending time with myself for a while

I decided to spend less time online lately and unfortunately that included my blogs as well but the time has been golden and I've learned a lot about myself and was able to sort out my priorities, which I really needed to do.  Now that I'm back I'm limiting myself to the things that matter the most to me.  Spirituality rather than politics.  Friends rather than politics.  Crafting rather than politics.  Notice a trend there?

In sorting out my priorities, I've also sorted out my spirituality.  I've been reading a few blogs the past several days that challenged my thinking to a very large degree.  Some questions that have forced me to think about what it is that I need rather than what I want.  Other questions about things that are important to me.

First off, I'm still dealing with the death of my mother.  Not having been at the funeral affected me more than I thought it would and I still haven't grieved her.  One issue I realized was that in my eclectic path, there has been a huge void that I never bothered to fill...mostly out of a fear of that commitment thing that I seem to avoid like the plague.  I wasn't connected to any deity in any comfortable way.  I was still trying to make the Celtic/Irish/Welsh/Scottish gods work out.  And failing as usual.  As a result I had no spiritual comfort, no one to turn to during my mother's death.  And with my own health issues, I had no energy to really deal with it.

Part of my problem has also been wanting to share a path with Zach and since he was traveling along the Druid/eclectic path I was trying to walk that path as well.  And I do love the Druid path.  It's just not complete for me.  I needed more.

I saw something in a blog about the different kinds of paganism:  deity-centric, nature-centric, and ancestor/spirit centric.  In honestly looking at myself I realized I'm deity-centric and have been trying to be nature-centric.  Square peg...round hole.  Not that I don't love Nature.  I do.  But I don't have the reverence for Nature that earth-based pagans have.  It's just not my path; yet I keep trying to walk it.

That led me to face the inevitable question:  which gods?  I'm a person who needs deity in my life.  It's not a failing...it's just who I am and what I need.  I've been all over the map looking for deity that I think "suits" me when I should have been looking into another question:  which gods do I believe in?  That was a question on another site, addressing the problem of another person in a similar situation.  Which gods do you believe in?

It's been obvious to me that the Celtic/etc gods aren't a fit for me.  I don't believe in them, not in the sense of trusting and interacting with them.  They probably exist but aren't "real" for me.  The Norse/Anglo Saxon gods are strangers to me and even if I spent the time getting to know them, I still don't necessarily "believe" in them either.  Authenticity still matters to me, especially in light of having been lied to all my life about my birth religion.  And I still have a problem with the interference by the Christian monks regarding their rewriting of the myths.  My problem, of course.  Other people can sift through and find the truth they're seeking.  I'm not inclined to even try to do that with regard to anything Christianity has tainted.  Plus I've never been able to find a goddess outside the Greek pantheon that I really connected with.  I'm just not fond of the Norse or Celtic goddesses and I don't know why. 

While there are other deities I believe in, Egyptian, Hindu, Judaism...it has to be more than just believing in.  I have to trust and love them.  When it's all said and done, there is only one set of gods that meet that criteria and that is the Greeks. I don't like the system necessarily but I do love the gods.  When my mother died, I wanted to put my head in Persephone's lap and let her stroke my hair, talk to Hades about my mother and speak to Hermes, who delivered her to the Otherworld.  But since I hadn't been in contact with them for months, it didn't feel right to want them to take care of me when I wasn't honoring them.

This might sound all silly to some people but it is important to me.  It's not about the all-or-nothing mentality anymore.  I'm not interested in being a reconstructionist or finding favor with people who are.  I'm interested in my relationship with the gods, honoring them in my own way and finding comfort and peace where I'm most at home.

Last night I set up my altar for honoring the Hellenic gods.  I got my books out regarding the worship of the Greek gods and found some prayers honoring Hera and offered up some honesty and simplicity for worship.  I felt such a powerful connection.  I haven't felt that in months and I teared up with the intensity of it.  I feel at home.  I hope this is it.  I hope I've finally found the path I need to walk on.  I hope I'm done hopping from place to place.

All I can do is try.  I need to stop making what other people think matter more than what I think or believe.  I need to focus on MY relationship with the gods and not how other people interact with them.  I need to spend more time with my thoughts instead of letting someone else dictate what I should be thinking or feeling.  It's time to lead my own life and walk my own path even if it conflicts with what someone else thinks that path should look like.

I am a Hellenic pagan.  Proudly.

For now, at least, I'm the most content I've been in a long time.