My mother continues to be drawn through the veil. I was able to talk to her today, to tell her I loved her and that I would miss her. I didn't say good bye though. Not sure why I can't say it except maybe I don't see it as good bye. I believe my relationship with her will continue but on another level. I haven't found a good picture of her for the ancestor wall yet. I should hurry though as we are down to hours and days.
Losing my mother hasn't been a simple situation because I have been conflicted about our relationship for decades. I have always loved her but always felt her love for me was conditional. Maybe it wasn't but it felt that way. And I always felt like the daughter who was loved the least even though she made comments about how hard she tried to make sure she didn't favor one of us over the others. I'm not bitter or angry. I do think she did the best she could. But I am conflicted.
Because of that feeling I've never been particularly drawn to a goddess before. I've loved them and worshiped them and tried to connect with them, but it's not been an easy thing for me to bond. I've been praying to Brighid at the hearth altar every morning until it finally occurred to me that I didn't need a hearth goddess. I needed a mother goddess. Once I realized that I turned to Danu, who is the closest thing to a mother goddess I've known since leaving Christianity behind. I felt an instant, electric connection. I felt loved and held and comforted. Since then I have felt her with me constantly.
In no way does she replace my mother but the bond with Danu does go a long way repairing my heart where my mother is concerned.
I haven't been racing to fill up my altar with deities or trying to adopt a pantheon of sorts. Instead I've just been moving instinctively, waiting and biding my time. Cernunnos is on my altar of course and I keep a black rose (silk) on it as well to represent the Dark Goddess, whoever she turns out to be but beyond that I haven't been keen on assembling a host of gods to worship.
As Beltane approaches though, I am finally feeling the tug toward incorporating more ritual into my daily life. During the pneumonia and the vigil for my mother, I have set aside most ritual and have just done what I can to get through each day. But now I'm eager to bring some order into my chaos and pack up the tent I set down by my path to abide a while. Now it's time to move forward.
And at Beltane I will have the opportunity to be with my ancestors including the one who will have just arrived. It's a precious thing to know that Beltane will come so soon after my mother passes through the veil. A year ago when my aunt died, Mom expressed sadness that "heathens" wouldn't have the comfort and security that Christians had when someone died. I didn't respond at the time but I can say now that I find more comfort in Paganism than I ever found in Christianity. While I'm sure my sisters and my dad have a great deal of comfort in it, for me it was not comforting and there was nothing but fear and emptiness for me.
I'm glad they have their comfort but I am so grateful that I have found mine. I will miss my mother, our weekly talks about homemaking and gardening and knitting socks for her, but I have the comfort of knowing that she's never really far away and that when the veil is thin, we can share so much more.
Losing my mother hasn't been a simple situation because I have been conflicted about our relationship for decades. I have always loved her but always felt her love for me was conditional. Maybe it wasn't but it felt that way. And I always felt like the daughter who was loved the least even though she made comments about how hard she tried to make sure she didn't favor one of us over the others. I'm not bitter or angry. I do think she did the best she could. But I am conflicted.
Because of that feeling I've never been particularly drawn to a goddess before. I've loved them and worshiped them and tried to connect with them, but it's not been an easy thing for me to bond. I've been praying to Brighid at the hearth altar every morning until it finally occurred to me that I didn't need a hearth goddess. I needed a mother goddess. Once I realized that I turned to Danu, who is the closest thing to a mother goddess I've known since leaving Christianity behind. I felt an instant, electric connection. I felt loved and held and comforted. Since then I have felt her with me constantly.
In no way does she replace my mother but the bond with Danu does go a long way repairing my heart where my mother is concerned.
I haven't been racing to fill up my altar with deities or trying to adopt a pantheon of sorts. Instead I've just been moving instinctively, waiting and biding my time. Cernunnos is on my altar of course and I keep a black rose (silk) on it as well to represent the Dark Goddess, whoever she turns out to be but beyond that I haven't been keen on assembling a host of gods to worship.
As Beltane approaches though, I am finally feeling the tug toward incorporating more ritual into my daily life. During the pneumonia and the vigil for my mother, I have set aside most ritual and have just done what I can to get through each day. But now I'm eager to bring some order into my chaos and pack up the tent I set down by my path to abide a while. Now it's time to move forward.
And at Beltane I will have the opportunity to be with my ancestors including the one who will have just arrived. It's a precious thing to know that Beltane will come so soon after my mother passes through the veil. A year ago when my aunt died, Mom expressed sadness that "heathens" wouldn't have the comfort and security that Christians had when someone died. I didn't respond at the time but I can say now that I find more comfort in Paganism than I ever found in Christianity. While I'm sure my sisters and my dad have a great deal of comfort in it, for me it was not comforting and there was nothing but fear and emptiness for me.
I'm glad they have their comfort but I am so grateful that I have found mine. I will miss my mother, our weekly talks about homemaking and gardening and knitting socks for her, but I have the comfort of knowing that she's never really far away and that when the veil is thin, we can share so much more.
Death sometimes mends relationships. It did when my mom died. I still want to beat my father with a bat and he's been dead since 2006. I don't know if/when I will be able to get over his sick shit.
ReplyDeleteHugs and kisses, I have a feeling you will transform after this.
There have already been some mending of relationships although some are still a bit tentative. Certainly I no longer have any anger toward either parent...only love. I believe, like you, that what happens next will be a monumental growth experience for me. But I like the word transform better.
DeleteThank you. :)
Oh, by the way.....Sekhmet is a Mother Goddess.
ReplyDeleteThat is so great to know! She has been residing my threshold altar on the piano, guarding the entrance but now that I know that she'll be moved to the ancestor altar. The perfect place for her. Thanks!
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