The process is slow

Randomness again.  Not a lot of coherent thoughts on this third day of insomnia but sometimes that incoherence gets deep.

Ladyimbrium mentioned in the comments from yesterday's post that the process is slow and she's right.  But I think it needs to be this slow because impulsiveness has never given me what I wanted in life.

Last night while watching my candles burn and enjoying the incense, I pondered some things that Zach and I had talked about earlier.  I must admit that I still miss the Episcopal Church.  Not Jesus, not Christianity and certainly not Yahweh but I do miss the ritual and form.  And yet not enough to go through the motions.  Because that's all it would be.

But in thinking about that, again, it occurred to me that I had been raised to love Jesus in such a way that swamped all other kinds of love.  As a husband, lover, brother, savior.  And I really did love him in all those ways.  When I fell out of love, I fell hard and haven't found anything to resemble that again.  But...was that really a healthy love?  It was very much an abusive love for me because I spent most of my life trying to live up to his "love" and feel worthy of it.  I listened to sermon after sermon that reinforced what a horrible person I was and how wonderful it was that Jesus "loved" me.  They would call it unconditional love but it never was.  Not really.  In fact there were so many conditions put on that love that I do consider it abusive.

So the problem for me is I haven't fallen in love with any gods out there.  And I don't think falling in love would really be a healthy thing for me.  But I keep drifting, waiting for that spark to ignite a passion that just is never going to happen again.  And because it hasn't happened, I tend to look at it logically, trying to find the perfect match hoping that passion will inflame again.  I tried dating around, but as soon as I break up with the gods, they appeal to me again and I want them back.

I need to stop looking at it less like a relationship and more like a spiritual connection.  And stop putting limits on how I honor the gods as well as who I honor.  For the first time, I'm not adverse to worshiping gods outside their pantheons.  I'm just not committing to it yet.  For now, I'm still working on loving me unconditionally and letting myself grow spiritually and emotionally. And if I do end up with a pantheon or a compilation of pantheons, then I will do what's healthy for me.  No more abusive relationships for me.