Hare Moon, Hecate and the past haunts me again

Last night was pretty good.  I was running behind with supper so we didn't get outside until after nine but the moon was just peeking over the hill behind the trees so we wouldn't have seen anything before then anyway.  It was particularly brilliant last night, enveloped in a luminescent halo.  Breathtakingly beautiful it was.

Earlier in the evening when I was setting up the stones for my altar, Zach whispered "turn around" to me.  I moved somewhat slowly and saw a huge brown speckled rabbit not 10 feet from me, crouching down.  Our neighbor was in his yard weed-eating his hill and I think the rabbit though we were the lesser of two evils so he hid on the side of the ridge so the neighbor wouldn't see him.  I tried to remain unmoving but the rock I had in my hands was pretty heavy and eventually had to put it down.  He moved up the hill after than and into the thicket.  Or she.  It's not like I could tell from where I was.

I remembered that the full moon of this month is considered to be the Hare Moon so I thought that was pretty "coincidental" in the scheme of things.

We lit some candles and some full moon incense.  I purified and consecrated my altar and invoked Hecate, dedicating this moon cycle to her.  I'm still uncertain if she is the Goddess I have been drawn to but I will be patient on that end.  Zach came out with me and just watched, not wanting to participate in any way.  We didn't do a lot besides sitting in the chairs watching the moon rise and just talking.  Then the mosquitoes drove us indoors.  I couldn't put the tiki torches up because someone had removed the internal parts from them, although no one will admit to it.  Now I have useless tiki torches.  I wonder if I can put the citronella oil in a kerosene lamp and use it.  I'll have to research that because I'm not spending anymore money.

I haven't really gotten much done today.  I'm back to dragging and no energy.  I hoped to plant some flowers and herbs today.  I might get that done later.  Someone mentioned online that the full moon was the time to plant but I figure a day late can't make that much difference.  Still...no energy at all.

Zach and I talked a lot about the past today.  I was reading a forum that talked about "God's will" and how Christians determine it and it occurred to me that an episode that happened almost 21 years ago may have been the start of me leaving Christianity.  I was in a Sunday school class and the topic was knowing God's will for your life.  I asked them how you could know what God's will was and the response was that I would just know.  A little more back and forth than that but the general, condescending answer was that I would know. 

But I never did know.  I never, ever got a clear answer as to what God's will was for my life, for a particular situation or anything.  I don't remember a single answer to prayer that was clearly an answer.  I don't remember God every communicating with me the way other Christians said they had experienced.  Not in 54 years of Christianity.  And I suspect I'm not alone.  I suspect the majority of Christians out there won't admit that they never got an answer either.

In a way it was a relief to know that I've been heading down that path for a long time rather than feeling like this was an abrupt decision.

For Zach it was in our old fundie church when they continuously shut him down when he thought he had a "word from the Lord" because they didn't want him to be the one having the gift.  Other incidents were the Purity conference when the men and boys ganged up on him because he didn't see anything wrong with masturbation.  The last straw was when they lied to him about a contest.  It was set up for people who brought guests to the youth group.  He didn't know anyone outside of church because we homeschooled and didn't belong to any groups because we were shunned out of them for various reasons...none of them good reasons.  So one of the sponsors told him he could enter the contest anyway but the head motherfucker in charge (aka the youth pastor/cult leader) was brutal in his explanation that hell, no Zach couldn't enter the contest.  He stopped going after that.  Initially to the youth group and a two weeks later to that church.

So in a religion that is supposed to be about a god's love for mankind, people act like assholes and treat kids (and Zach was still a teen then) like that.

Okay I'm cooling off.  The bitterness and anger comes and goes. 

All this is another reason I'm not rushing out to join any Pagan groups just yet.  While our latest church was nothing like that and was full of nice, genuine people, I'm still very hesitant to involve myself with any group of people.  I know from online groups that no organization is exempt from having jerks as members.

In the meantime I'm enjoying the people I'm meeting through blogs and forums and am letting myself learn at my own pace.

And that's enough for now.