Finding balance

I had been wanting a new vessel for libation for my altar for a while.  I have a wine glass that I've been using but it didn't really fit in with the theme of the altar.  It was too delicate for what I wanted.  Zach found a cut glass goblet today at the thrift store that was a bit closer to what I wanted so I thought I would just go ahead and get it since it was only 50 cents.  Then I found it...a brown stoneware goblet.  Exactly what I had been looking for.  It was only a dollar so we got both.  Zach really liked the cut glass goblet and will keep it in his room for when we set up his spiritual space.  (He doesn't think of it as an altar.)

I still have some modifications I'd like to make in order to have my altar feel a bit more organic, but that's a start.  Some day I might buy a drinking horn but right now it's not me.  I've not been using alcohol for my libations because no one here drinks.  I'm not allowed because of the metformin for my diabetes but I can have a sip a day if I want to (for religious purposes).  Still it feels wrong to spend that kind of money on something when I really need to get back to the frugality I used to practice in the past. For now, I've got grape juice that I can add a few drops of honey to as ersatz mead.

I really do feel that if I'm going to fulfill the role I set out to fill decades ago, I should really live up to it and spend more of my energy on making this place run smoothly and efficiently (and frugally) instead of spending time online.  It's gotten to be a crutch I fall back on because of the fatigue that is so debilitating.  Not that I expect to suddenly have a burst of energy and become superwoman.  But instead of this I could be studying, reading or knitting, which would be more beneficial than spending so much of my day surfing the various political sources I read. 

It's a bit of an addiction of sorts and I need to figure out a way to stop it.  I need to find more balance in my life instead of this one-track-journey I seem to be on of late.

I won't stop writing my blogs though.  Writing here is an outlet for me that gives more than it takes.  And I will continue to read your blogs as well.  But instead of politics, I need to focus on other things:  spiritual, educational, things to exercise my brain and soul.  Not things that piss me off and send me into a rage.

I'll just limit myself to one news source a day.  A different one each day would keep me up to speed with what's going on as I don't rely on any one source for the news.  Especially network or cable news. 

Tonight will be an early night though as I have work to finish up and then bed.  Some reading but mostly just sleep.  I've been in a sleep deficit for so long I think I could sleep for a week.

On the flip side

where I said I would see you all.

I took some time, maybe not enough, to try to figure out why I can't seem to settle on a path and I think I've got it figured out.  When I was growing up, I didn't have any choice whatsoever about my spiritual path.  Not only could I not look outside Christianity, but I also couldn't look outside the Baptist church.  I can't count the number of times my parents criticized all the other churches in town as not having the correct doctrines.  And Catholic?  We were threatened with being disowned if we ever converted to Catholicism.

Later on, in my middle age, my parents lightened up a bit and acknowledged that Methodists, Presbyterians and members of the Christian Church were Christians as well, although Baptists still had the most correct doctrine.  But when I became an Episcopalian, they frequently would question me on how close it was to Catholicism and on various doctrines they deemed incorrect (and potentially leading to lack of salvation.)

I spent a great deal of  my adult life trying to find a Christian denomination that felt right and gave me what I was looking for.  It wasn't until I joined the Episcopal Church I found the form and ritual I loved, but by then it was too late.  I had lost my faith.  Irrevocably gone.

So I looked into Paganism, not realizing what a vast collection of beliefs that was.  Initially all I really knew was Wicca so I looked into that but it didn't feel like a good fit at all.  Once in that direction, though, I discovered the plethora of Pagan paths that were available to me.  Unfortunately it was like having only been allowed one choice all my life, the possibilities overwhelmed me and left me incapable of deciding at all.  Each thing I tried was "it" for me until I found something else that seemed like "it" again.

Abject fear of commitment reared its ugly head and also contributed to my inability to make a choice.  I have felt paralyzed by that inability.

When I couldn't find the Norse gods at all, instead of actually trying, I just gave up.  The amount of information out there I had to learn was also overwhelming.  I'm nearly 60 years old and the thought of starting over again was a bit defeating for me.  So I settled for something I knew a little bit about, at least.  And I do have a heart for Druidry and a love for the Celtic gods.  But there was still something missing.

I had put away all my Asatru books, thinking I had wasted my money once again on things I wouldn't ever use again, but I couldn't put away the Norse gods.  They consumed my thoughts.  Each mention of them in any format made my heart jump just a little.  But I was tired of jumping from one thing to another and didn't want to come back to this blog once again and tell  you all how silly I've been and have now found "the" right path after all.

Then it came to me the other night while I was lying in bed watching the candles on my altar, not praying to anyone or even looking to any god at all.

I have been so afraid of making the wrong choice that I can't commit.  And yet, by not committing all I've been doing is making the wrong choices.  It takes more than picking up a book and deciding to focus on these gods now and those gods then.  It takes genuine commitment.  I had to choose.  I had to decide that I will take this path and follow these gods or I will wander aimlessly the rest of my life.  And I am so tired of wandering.  I want to settle on a home.

I know some of you love wanderlust and thrive on the journey.  But for me it's been torture and a very spiritually bleak experience.

Once I made that connection with my inability to commit and the lack of direction in my spiritual life, I changed my hearth picture out to the one of three goddesses, lit my candles and incense and made my commitment to Frigg and all the Norse gods and goddesses, that even if I never felt that surge of energy I had felt in the past with other gods, I would still hold true to them because it was them I wanted...not the feeling.  Where in the past I had felt nothing, this time I felt an overpowering charge of energy, one that brought tears to my eyes with the feelings of love I felt in that energy.

Before when reading the books, it was overwhelming and a bit incomprehensible to my foggy brain, now I am absorbing (although retention is still a bit of a problem) and devouring all I read.  I still feel overwhelmed at all I need to learn but know that I must just take one step at a time, one day at a time.  I'm not racing against time anymore.

I post this with a lot of fear that my paralysis will return and I will retreat once again to that dark corner where there are no connections and no commitments but I hope this time I will be strong and stay on course.  All I can do is admit that my fears have taken control of me and hope to conquer them so I can be free. 

Going to take some time

...away from my blogs for a while. I need to regroup and focus on using what energy I've got to get my home in order and perhaps focus on studies for a while.  I'll still be on facebook daily, although not as often as I have been. 

I'm still facing indecision on this path and need to just step away from it all and let the path unfold before me instead of trying to forge my own path.

I won't be gone long but I need to do this for a bit.

See ya on the flip side.

Elvis has left the playground with updates X 3

I know that people are people no matter where you go so I wasn't surprised to see some snark going on in a Pagan group I belonged to on facecrack.  I just don't do the gossip thing, though.  When someone comes to the group and says tearfully that they have to leave because someone there doesn't like them and everyone jumps on that bandwagon to basically start trash talking the person who isn't a part of the conversation, I'm uncomfortable about it.  I had suspicions that I knew what it was about but wasn't going to make any assumptions.  So I just said I wasn't comfortable with the direction the discussion was taking.

Two people thought the same until the administrator came in and said she knew what it was about and this person could say whatever he wanted.  Then I knew for sure who was involved because the admin really dislikes the person who I thought was being gossiped about.  So, of course it's okay to talk badly about people you don't like.

Without a backward glance, I left the group.  I don't expect Pagans to be better than their Christian counterparts at all.  But I'm not going to play in their playground if that's the way they want to behave.

It's a shame because it was the only chance I had (until Cin moves here) to meet any Pagans in the area.  But I will admit that I had reservations because of other things going on as well.  Some territorial behavior from the admin toward someone trying to help (even if he didn't go about it the right way, you don't jump his shit in front of everyone else) and some other snarking that was going on.  Plus  a lot of deleting of things that didn't go the admin's way.

So...who needs 'em?  Just glad I've got my online friends.

And just for clarification...the other party never said that the "injured" party should leave the group.  No  trying to get people on her side at all.  In fact, I only figured it out based on an obscure conversation she had.

Update:  Of course the manipulation worked...the person has joyously agreed to stay in the group and not let  one closed minded twit ruin everything.  Oh, yeah...that's not manipulation.  And of course people are patting him on the back.  Never mind that he's trash talking someone who isn't there to defend herself.

Fuckin' jerks.

Update 2:  Even if the person I think it is, isn't the one being trashed, I still think it's fucking wrong to do it.

Update 3:  Someone called him out on his name-calling and surprise! the admin has deleted the entire conversation.  Not the first time she's done something like this.  And yes, I'm aware I'm being a bit bitchy about this whole thing but this is where I can vent safely.

It turns out committing isn't a bad thing, after all

I've been doing more reading lately...both for study and for fun. I'm making my way through Lord of the Rings once again. I quit counting at 35 times read but that was over 20 years ago. I think I've only read it a couple of times since then.  As I'm also working on my annual journey through all my dvds, including commentaries and documentaries on both the theatrical version and the extended version, I thought it was time.

I'm reading The Druid Handbook again while consulting my notes from the first read-through to see if my impressions have changed any.  They have.  I can thank my journey through other pantheons for that.  And that is a good thing.  Zach wants to go through his Dragon Magic book together so we're going to read that and the Spellcraft book in the evenings after ritual.  I don't know if he's going to be there for ritual; it's not important that he is but would be nice.  I'm finally feeling committed after all this time. Or maybe I'm feeling like I should be committed.  Either way it feels good.

I have had such a connection with the gods of the Celtic way.  I mean powerful and physical connections. Immediate, too.  I feel like I was welcomed back with open arms.  My morning ministrations to Brighid have been incredible.  Cernnunos and the Morrigan have been ever-present.  And Cerridwen sits on my altar and smiles at me.  The family altar this time.

The troll hasn't been back since telling me I was going to hell to burn for all eternity.  Thankfully.  But I did get a letter today from a girl who was in our old fundie church and has since moved to California.  She wanted money so she could go save the souls of the people in Papua, New Guinea.  The letter is now in shreds in my wastebasket because I figure the people of Papua, New Guinea are fine the way they are, especially as 96% of them consider themselves to be Christians. But I guess the 4% who are Muslims or Pagan need her help.

Gah!  I wish to fuck missionaries would leave those people alone to live with their traditions and religions.  I weep to think about all the cultures lost because the people were told their ways were evil and had to destroy everything that made them who they were.

Not to mention I haven't seen this girl in over 7 years.  I guess when you want money, everyone becomes your friend.

 Back to me, though.  I'm also reading Rituals of the Dark Moon, slowly making my way through it.  I didn't make it far enough in to celebrate that last Dark Moon but I didn't want to rush it. I'm pacing myself, figuring out what adjustments I'll make to the Wiccan-based rituals she uses.  I'm not one for casting circles. I like to call the corners but I don't do well locked into a circle.  Still, there is plenty of room for doing it differently as she explains. I haven't even gotten into the good stuff yet.  Can't wait.

Well, I can smell supper cooking so I'm off to finish that up and then ritual, reading and bed.  I greeted the Morning today, much earlier than I wanted to. I don't think she recognized me.

Painful truths are also liberating truths

I lit my hearth candle this morning and invoked Brighid, not expecting anything because it's been a while since I've had a serious connection with any kind of deity, but I was pleasantly surprised.  I felt a very powerful connection; one that I haven't felt in quite a while. So I've been pondering that all day, as I have worked in the kitchen cleaning and I think I have figured out what it is I've been doing.

Odd as it sounds, I think I've been searching for what I lost with Christianity. More structure, more form, more rigidity.   And yet those were part of the reason I left it behind. I love ritual but what is it that I love about it?  I think part of it is the form, the design, the architecture of it.  Of course it must have meaning, but ritual without design isn't very meaningful for me.  So I've been looking for more and more structured ritual, as I found with the Greeks.  And yet it wasn't satisfying at all.

I've also been looking for something that had things spelled out for me so I didn't have to do a lot of work myself.  Again, something like I had with Christianity.  Tell me what to believe; don't make me figure it out for myself.  It's not any wonder that I felt claustrophobic under those conditions, though. 

I've been searching for an ordered and structured pantheon as if I were ordering from a menu.  I'll have the Norse pantheon with some blots and troths in white sauce and a nice horn of mead to go with that.  Again, finding something already set up for me so I didn't have to figure it out for myself. 

What I forgot was that the gods call you.  You don't order them from a catalog in the size and color you desire.  The gods know if you are the right fit for them.  They don't audition you, the way I auditioned them.  They know because they've been aware of you for longer than you've been aware of them.

I made the same mistake I've made all my life. I keep picking relationships that aren't a good fit for me.  My "arranged marriage" with Christianity was a master/slave relationship.  With the Greeks, I was a sycophant, wanting them to like me and sucking up to them in spite of the obvious personality clash between us.  And with the Norse, it was unrequited infatuation.  But again, an even worse personality clash.

The only real fit for me, with who I am and what my expectations are, are those in the Celtic/Druidry realm. I don't need a nanny to hold my hand and tell me what to believe. I don't need another dysfunctional relationship with the gods.  I need a connection that validates who I am and accepts me unconditionally.  Honestly, I didn't get that with the Greeks at all.  I never felt like I was doing it right or that I was good enough.  The Norse I never connected with at all which made me feel even worse about myself although in retrospect, I'm glad they didn't because in the long run, it would have been disastrous.

I'm not saying that the Greek path or the Norse path is a bad thing.  For the right person, they are a wondrous thing.  But they weren't spiritually healthy relationships for me.  They weren't abusive to me at all; that's not what I mean. I mean it's more like taking a degree in math when your passion is art.  I still have a fondness for the gods of both realms and always will.  I hold them in high esteem but they didn't call me.  I have to admit that I wanted that to be true, but it's not.  They didn't.

Druidry did call me...gently, persistently, lovingly and patiently.  I feel like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders.

They're coming home

No, not the Greeks.

I had decided, since I can't seem to make a connection with the Norse gods to just put the call out there and see who answers. I miss the feeling of having a houseful of gods.  The house feels bleak without them.  So over the past couple of days, I've been listening, watching and waiting. a crow was cawing at me this morning from his perch in a tree across the highway.  I'm sure it was me he was talking to because he was facing me and when I moved, he changed his direction as well.  Finally several other crows came to him and they all flew off.

This morning I saw the name Brighid several times in places I wouldn't have thought to see the name.  I called upon her this morning when I lit the hearth candle and felt a tiny response.  When I called upon the other hearth goddesses...nothing.

The name Cernnunos has been in my mind for two days running.  Nearly non-stop.

I think I'm right back where I started.  In Druidry with the gods of the British Isles.  Not leaping and dancing for joy but I do feel a bit of a glow, like a small fire in the fireplace.  I'm tired of drifting, dating around. wooing the gods.  I want to settle down and make a commitment.  I told Zach that as much as the Norse gods intrigued me and that I wanted to learn about them, they really didn't fit in well with my personality and my character.  There are things about them that are in direct conflict with how I view the world:  both this one and the one past the veil.  When it comes down to it, the gods of the British Isles are a perfect fit for me.  I just didn't let them pull me in.  That fear thing, of course.

I pulled out my Druidry books and notes and such last night but this fatigue has me so beaten down that I fell asleep before I could read anything.  And I doubt tonight will be much different since the city woodchopper woke me up way early this morning. I did do some reading this morning though (and fell sleep reading) so I have made some effort.

The house already feels less empty. Not full, but there are definitely some gods here. I'll wait it out and see how it goes.