On the flip side

where I said I would see you all.

I took some time, maybe not enough, to try to figure out why I can't seem to settle on a path and I think I've got it figured out.  When I was growing up, I didn't have any choice whatsoever about my spiritual path.  Not only could I not look outside Christianity, but I also couldn't look outside the Baptist church.  I can't count the number of times my parents criticized all the other churches in town as not having the correct doctrines.  And Catholic?  We were threatened with being disowned if we ever converted to Catholicism.

Later on, in my middle age, my parents lightened up a bit and acknowledged that Methodists, Presbyterians and members of the Christian Church were Christians as well, although Baptists still had the most correct doctrine.  But when I became an Episcopalian, they frequently would question me on how close it was to Catholicism and on various doctrines they deemed incorrect (and potentially leading to lack of salvation.)

I spent a great deal of  my adult life trying to find a Christian denomination that felt right and gave me what I was looking for.  It wasn't until I joined the Episcopal Church I found the form and ritual I loved, but by then it was too late.  I had lost my faith.  Irrevocably gone.

So I looked into Paganism, not realizing what a vast collection of beliefs that was.  Initially all I really knew was Wicca so I looked into that but it didn't feel like a good fit at all.  Once in that direction, though, I discovered the plethora of Pagan paths that were available to me.  Unfortunately it was like having only been allowed one choice all my life, the possibilities overwhelmed me and left me incapable of deciding at all.  Each thing I tried was "it" for me until I found something else that seemed like "it" again.

Abject fear of commitment reared its ugly head and also contributed to my inability to make a choice.  I have felt paralyzed by that inability.

When I couldn't find the Norse gods at all, instead of actually trying, I just gave up.  The amount of information out there I had to learn was also overwhelming.  I'm nearly 60 years old and the thought of starting over again was a bit defeating for me.  So I settled for something I knew a little bit about, at least.  And I do have a heart for Druidry and a love for the Celtic gods.  But there was still something missing.

I had put away all my Asatru books, thinking I had wasted my money once again on things I wouldn't ever use again, but I couldn't put away the Norse gods.  They consumed my thoughts.  Each mention of them in any format made my heart jump just a little.  But I was tired of jumping from one thing to another and didn't want to come back to this blog once again and tell  you all how silly I've been and have now found "the" right path after all.

Then it came to me the other night while I was lying in bed watching the candles on my altar, not praying to anyone or even looking to any god at all.

I have been so afraid of making the wrong choice that I can't commit.  And yet, by not committing all I've been doing is making the wrong choices.  It takes more than picking up a book and deciding to focus on these gods now and those gods then.  It takes genuine commitment.  I had to choose.  I had to decide that I will take this path and follow these gods or I will wander aimlessly the rest of my life.  And I am so tired of wandering.  I want to settle on a home.

I know some of you love wanderlust and thrive on the journey.  But for me it's been torture and a very spiritually bleak experience.

Once I made that connection with my inability to commit and the lack of direction in my spiritual life, I changed my hearth picture out to the one of three goddesses, lit my candles and incense and made my commitment to Frigg and all the Norse gods and goddesses, that even if I never felt that surge of energy I had felt in the past with other gods, I would still hold true to them because it was them I wanted...not the feeling.  Where in the past I had felt nothing, this time I felt an overpowering charge of energy, one that brought tears to my eyes with the feelings of love I felt in that energy.

Before when reading the books, it was overwhelming and a bit incomprehensible to my foggy brain, now I am absorbing (although retention is still a bit of a problem) and devouring all I read.  I still feel overwhelmed at all I need to learn but know that I must just take one step at a time, one day at a time.  I'm not racing against time anymore.

I post this with a lot of fear that my paralysis will return and I will retreat once again to that dark corner where there are no connections and no commitments but I hope this time I will be strong and stay on course.  All I can do is admit that my fears have taken control of me and hope to conquer them so I can be free. 

The body is better; it's time to heal the spirit

My cold has waned and my aching body is feeling better, especially after some very good and deep sleep last night so I thought it was time to get back on spiritual track.  I had been reading about the history of the Norse religion, which was really a good read, but I felt like it was time to get into learning about the practice of the Norse path.  I had been taking my time getting there until I felt like I was ready.

I'm ready.

In addition to Our Troth, volumes 1 & 2, I also bought True Hearth, by James Allen Chisholm.  It's a slim book and the proof-reading leaves a lot to be desired, but the information in it is pretty darned good.  He makes a claim in Chapter 3 that (i)n the Ring of Troth there is no such thing as a "heretic."  How I loved to read those words, especially having lived in on a spiritual path that made everyone a heretic at one point or another, depending on who was interpreting the scriptures.  There is no set of orthodox dogmas or doctrines to which one must adhere in order to be thought "true" to the Gods and ancestors.  Again...words I needed to hear so much.  I am not encountering the rigidity that I've seen in other reconstructionist paths, although I'm sure there are those elements in the Norse path.  Nearly everyone I've encountered on this path, who have claimed to be recons, have always applied those criteria only to themselves.  Live and let live seems to be the prevailing wisdom.

Another thing I read today that brightened my heart was (t)he Teutonic tradition is one that values change and flux.  It is also common for true folk to change their view of the Gods and Goddesses as their knowledge of the lore deepens and is brought together with their life experiences.  To me, these are magickal words.  I had been putting off any kind of practice or worship because I didn't want to do it wrong.  This was a combination of my Christian experiences and the Greek period, in which everywhere I turned was the fear that not doing it right invoked hubris from the gods.  For some of you that seems a bit incomprehensible that anyone could be afraid to worship the gods, but I can assure you it was a very real fear of mine.

Learn as I go?  What a concept.

So, I feel the pull to just wing it and let it happen.  Light the candles.  Talk to the gods.  Have heart-to-hearts with the ancestors.  Connect with the past and live in the present.  Don't even worry about feeling a connection yet.  Just do it.

It feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and more and more like this path has much to offer me.  And much that I can offer in return.

And now...off to read some more.

Re-thinking Reconstructionism

No, not going to become one, but I am re-thinking my attitude toward it.  At least some varieties of it.

I've found a few blogs on Norse Paganism and Hellenic Polytheism that claimed the recon path but they didn't behave in a way that I'm used to seeing with people who claim to want to do things they way they "should" be done.  Instead, they were very open to others doing things the way they felt led rather than trying to be territorial about their path.  I really learned a lot about what they believe because they just talked about it rather than slammed other people for not doing things their way.

Their perspective was that they liked doing things the way they thought the ancestors did it.  Not that it was a must, but that it was desired.  I can get behind that.  I can even practice that.  I do like to visualize my ancestors in their spiritual practices and wonder how close we really are. 

What I really detest is the "have to" attitude.  As in...how dare they worship my gods that way.  I've seen that in more than a few religions, reconstructionist Christianity being one of the worst.  You know them as Dominionists and they behave like Rick Santorum.  He is more or less a reconstructionist Catholic who is pre-Vatican II and wants to go back to Latin mass and women barefoot and pregnant.  The evangelical Dominionists want to use Old Testament laws for our legal system and keep the women barefoot and pregnant.  Not tons of difference.

I will say that I have nothing to learn from the Dominionists.  I have interacted with them for years and there is nothing of any value in their teachings.  The teachings are oppressive and mean-spirited.

But I don't see that in the teachings of reconstructionist Pagans.  Or whatever they choose to be called.  I think there is value in learning how our ancestors lived and thought in spite of the attitudes of the people who claim that knowledge for themselves.  I may not like their attitudes, but their knowledge and information has value.

So, I guess it's really all about people and less about religions.  Those who want to use the old ways to control and oppress people will do that no matter what they call their religion.  Those who want to honor the old ways for the sake of tradition won't necessarily see it as a binding resolution for anyone who wants to worship the same gods. 

It's good to let the past open us up to a broader way.  It's not good to use the past to make the path so narrow only a few can walk it.