Ostara or not...hard to get in the mood

And I'm not sure what to do about it. I'm in a low point right now due partly to not feeling well, partly to not having transportation thereby limiting my options.  And I'm feeling particularly whiny these days.

I keep reading as much as I can about the Norse path and  no matter how much progress I think I've made, I've barely tapped into the fountain of knowledge that is in the books I've got.  Not to mention the books and internet sources out there.  In many ways it's like a different language.  One thing I particularly love about Our Troth is the history of religion, tracing the Norse path from the proto-Indo-European groups.  I lived for years with a religion that couldn't stand the scrutiny of truth so I appreciate knowing where my ancestors came from and how they came to rely on and worship their gods.  Well, anyone's ancestors for that matter as I consider all the ancestors "mine" in one form or another.

I had an epiphany about my former threshold altar/shrine that had been dedicated to Hermes and Zeus previously.  I was reading in my Heathen books about animals and how valued they were in spiritual aspects so I chose to put all my statuettes in that place, including my rooster picture.  The space really reflects some good feelings there.  Except I could use a wolf statue. Mostly because my husband hates them so much that he would like to eradicate them from the earth because they kill fawns. He views them as competition in deer hunting.  I couldn't respond to him when he said that because the hatred was so volatile.  I was afraid to set him off.  I've loved wolves for years and just can't handle that kind of attitude.  So I'd like to have a wolf on my altar to honor their spirit and pray for their continuation in light of the state assembly authorizing wolf hunts in this state.  Grrrrr. Protect your livestock and animals, yes.  Hunt for sport...fuck, no!

I'm not sure if we will do anything tonight for Ostara/Vernal Equinox/ Alban Eiler...whatever.  I might wait until I feel ready for it.  Or not at all.  It's not the end of the world if I don't have anything formal set up. I might just sit and meditate about the season changes and look at the pretty candlelight.  Sometimes that's enough.

In the meantime, I'm going to take a nap. I got little sleep last night because I had to get up to take Zach to the dr for labs and tomorrow I have to get up early to run some errands.  Another reason I'm down in the valley today.  I really hate this near-continuous isolation whenever one of our cars breaks down.  And they always break down. In the past 6 months, I've been without transportation 3 different times.  And the only reason the truck was fixed the previous two times was because Tom was going up north for hunting and fishing. If he doesn't go anywhere, the other vehicle has been known to sit there for months.  Because if he can get to work, nothing much else seems to matter.  Granted, he only has one day a week to work on it, but he's been known to take a vacation day to help his brother fix up his cabin up north.  'Just sayin'.

I've got to get out of this pissy mood. No wonder the gods are avoiding me lately.

Courting gods

I bought some candles today. Pretty spring-like colors because I need them.  Well, I don't need them, but I sure wanted them.  I have red and white but wanted something to express the feeling of spring that's going on right now.  I don't care if it snows next week.  Right now I need color.

I took down the grandmothers from the wall above my altar and put my goddesses, moon and frolicking maidens back up.  I just couldn't work my altar with the grandmothers there. I wonder if it's because two of them were devout Christians and the other a devout atheist.  I feel more attached to the distant ancestors I don't know than the ones I do know.  Well, I don't know Great-Grandma Lee, but I've heard about her.

I think it's hard for me to connect with those ancestors I knew to be Christian because of the very prominent law that exists within evangelical/fundamentalist Christianity:  we're right and you're wrong.  And since I have no clear picture of the world beyond aside from believing we recycle reincarnate I can't say they haven't gone to their heaven, just like they thought they would. I only know I'm not going there.  By choice.

I couldn't make a connection with Frigga this morning but as I was in a very cranky mood due to lack of sleep maybe the fault was mine.  I admit I'm having a hard time connecting with the Norse gods but I really do think it's my reticence to make that step.  I think I'm gun-shy.  Maybe the Greeks hurt me more than I realized.

Who...by the way, drove past the house last night but didn't stop.  Maybe it was because I turned the porch light off, along with all the lights in the house and pretended I wasn't home.  Sometimes I think I should let them come back. Other times I think they're not too reliable and wouldn't stick around anyway.

And this afternoon, Cerridwen stopped by and sat on my hearth altar for a few moments.  She didn't say anything. Just sat there and looked around with a pleased smile on her face.  I can't imagine why as the house is a disaster and needs a thorough cleaning.  But then, she's not a hearth goddess, I don't think.  Maybe she likes chaos.

I'm going to bed and read tonight.  I'm really feeling the pull toward Druidry right now so I might focus on those books rather than my Norse books.  But I haven't given up on them.  I still think we might make a good fit if I could just get my courage up to take that step.  Or maybe I should wait for them to take the first step.

Courting gods is so complex.

The path becomes clearer

I hadn't been trying very hard to make a connection with the Norse gods but since I'm beginning to feel a void in my life without that connection, I think that means I'm ready to move forward.  And still feeling the pull toward Druidry no matter which path I take.

I read both Tarot and my Animal Oracle cards last night. It was interesting that the first pass on the Tarot was complete gibberish.  The second was down-right mean-spirited so I prayed to whatever god of divination was out there, calling upon Frigg, Apollo, Brighid...anyone and said that if I had offended in some say I wanted to let them know how sorry I was for offending them if they would just tell me what it was I did. I got nothing but the next spread was really good and really clear.  It was completely in agreement with the Animal Oracle cards that my path and my gods were those of my ancestors and that I was ready to move into that stage of study and initiation (not necessarily formal...more of a commitment type of deal.)  This really fell into line with the things I had been pondering about how to merge my new-found love of the Norse gods with my old lover, Druidry.

And today, while reading Our Troth, I read about the intermingling of the Celts and Germanic peoples and how many of the religious, cultural and social aspects had crossed barriers during that time.  As my ancestry is Celtic, Anglo-Saxon and Apache (supposedly) it seemed a great blending and the perfect path for me.  And there's a Norse Druid group on facecrack so I'm not the only one walking this path.

I suspect this is where I've been heading all along since I loved Druidry but could not connect with the Celtic/Irish/Welsh/etc deities.  I couldn't manage to perfect that blending with the Hellenic gods either but since the Norse are kissin' cousins to the Celts, this might just work out for the best.

There are many aspects of Asatru that I really love and feel an affinity for except I see myself more of a gentle soul. Not a hunter.  Not a warrior.  Fierce, maybe, but not one to use weapons.  Aside from my mean mouth, that is. That's where the Druid part fits in so well. 

I had books galore spread all over my bed today, reading and absorbing.  Until I fell asleep.  But it was a good day for learning otherwise.  And in just a few minutes, I'm going back to reading some more.  I have all my journals out as well, so maybe I'll actually start writing in them.  There is so much knowledge out there just waiting for me to discover it.

I haven't really developed any kind of rituals yet.  Still playing it by ear but as a fanatical lover of ritual, I am eager to start.  I've been reading Rituals of the Dark Moon in preparation for the next one.  I'm excited about it and loving the book so far.  Except she says that how you view rituals has to do with how you were raised.  And as I was raised Baptist, I should be one for just bare bones ritual or winging it.  Yet I love rituals.  The more formal, the better.  I must be an aberration.  Still, the rest of it is very good.

I plan on working on writing prayers in journals tonight so I have them handy for my morning rituals.  I've been trying to just pray from my heart but I don't do well with extemporaneous prayer.  Stems from all those times in church when I was called upon to pray and just stumbled all over myself attempting it.  But written prayers have a quality to them that is poetry.

And so I go back to the books and enjoy all they have to offer.

The body is better; it's time to heal the spirit

My cold has waned and my aching body is feeling better, especially after some very good and deep sleep last night so I thought it was time to get back on spiritual track.  I had been reading about the history of the Norse religion, which was really a good read, but I felt like it was time to get into learning about the practice of the Norse path.  I had been taking my time getting there until I felt like I was ready.

I'm ready.

In addition to Our Troth, volumes 1 & 2, I also bought True Hearth, by James Allen Chisholm.  It's a slim book and the proof-reading leaves a lot to be desired, but the information in it is pretty darned good.  He makes a claim in Chapter 3 that (i)n the Ring of Troth there is no such thing as a "heretic."  How I loved to read those words, especially having lived in on a spiritual path that made everyone a heretic at one point or another, depending on who was interpreting the scriptures.  There is no set of orthodox dogmas or doctrines to which one must adhere in order to be thought "true" to the Gods and ancestors.  Again...words I needed to hear so much.  I am not encountering the rigidity that I've seen in other reconstructionist paths, although I'm sure there are those elements in the Norse path.  Nearly everyone I've encountered on this path, who have claimed to be recons, have always applied those criteria only to themselves.  Live and let live seems to be the prevailing wisdom.

Another thing I read today that brightened my heart was (t)he Teutonic tradition is one that values change and flux.  It is also common for true folk to change their view of the Gods and Goddesses as their knowledge of the lore deepens and is brought together with their life experiences.  To me, these are magickal words.  I had been putting off any kind of practice or worship because I didn't want to do it wrong.  This was a combination of my Christian experiences and the Greek period, in which everywhere I turned was the fear that not doing it right invoked hubris from the gods.  For some of you that seems a bit incomprehensible that anyone could be afraid to worship the gods, but I can assure you it was a very real fear of mine.

Learn as I go?  What a concept.

So, I feel the pull to just wing it and let it happen.  Light the candles.  Talk to the gods.  Have heart-to-hearts with the ancestors.  Connect with the past and live in the present.  Don't even worry about feeling a connection yet.  Just do it.

It feels like a weight has been lifted from my shoulders and more and more like this path has much to offer me.  And much that I can offer in return.

And now...off to read some more.

Down time

I haven't done much of anything in the way of moving forward on my spiritual path because I've felt like crap for the past several days due to a nasty cold given by, thankyouverymuch, my husband.  Bless his heart he didn't miss any work and I acted like a big baby but I seriously think mine was worse than his.  And he can't prove me wrong. :)

I've avoided lit candles and incense lately because both seem to irritate my throat.  I have offered up prayers to Eir and any health deity out there who is available and I am feeling a bit better today although I'm heading back to bed in just a few minutes.  Still, I'm not in the mood to learn or ponder anything of any spiritual significance right now.  My brain is mush.  What little I got read last week will have to be re-read so there's no point in trying to move forward in my books.

In the meantime, down time is what is called for.  Rest and nourishment for the body.  The spirit can wait for now.

Might be the last hurrah

...of winter.  Might not.  But it's snowing today, as in winter storm snowing.  I don't think we'll get the maximum 8 inches, although we might get as much as 6.  The library closed early due to weather so it must be serious.  Tom has to drive home in it but I made him take his sleeping bag in case he gets stranded there.  They're telling people to stay off the roads.  I'm also listening to the Weather Channel because the area directly south of my hometown was devastated by a tornado today.  One very small town was completely destroyed.  Nothing left there. 

It's beautiful but I am looking forward to spring.  I love winter until around February; then I long for spring.  Green grass, no coats.  Until summer when I'm hot and sweating.  Then I long for fall, which has become my absolute favorite season. 

I've calmed down a lot since yesterday.  Didn't do a cleansing today but I will get to it when I can. I kind of think the house should be a bit clean when I do it.  Otherwise I won't have my heart into it and since I had to get up early today to run errands, I'm tired and dragging.  I'll get it done on Monday maybe.  I don't want to do it while Tom's around.  He's supportive but I suspect a bit bemused by it all.  I've seen that smirk on his face when I talk about magick and things of that nature.  It doesn't bother me, but it makes me feel a bit self-conscious if he's around.

Although he's very respectful if he finds me spending time at the altar, which means a lot to me.  I've been reading my new books and really like them.  Both volumes of Our Troth are good-sized books with lots of information in them.  The first part of volume 1 is about the history of the Norse religion, tracing it to Proto Indo-European ancestors.  It really  is interesting to follow the path of migration of the gods, so to speak.

The second part is about the Lore...about the gods, spirits, beliefs, virtues, etc.  I'm really looking forward to that part.  Volume 2 is Living the Troth which, of course, is about the practicalities of the path:  marriage, death, ritual, etc.  I'm looking forward to that, too.

True Hearth is a small book about living in a traditional household.  I'm not planning on incorporating reconstructionism into my path but I do love the information that exists because of it. 

I also started Rituals of the Dark Moon and I love what I've read so far.  There are some aspects that I can't relate to as they are primarily Wiccan but I do love her attitude about the Dark Moon.  I can relate to that. 

One thing happened yesterday that threatened to disrupt my newly-found path, but somehow didn't.  The new group I found on facecrack got into a political discussion, which I had feared, as I'm sure a good many of them are conservative/libertarians and I am not.  But there were enough of them on the left of in the middle to compensate for the majority.  What I realized was that all those on the right were reconstructionists and the ones on the left or in the middle weren't.  But since they didn't let the discussion dissolve into a free-for-all, but kept it respectful and calm, well...they passed the test.  Another group I was on with the Greeks wasn't so nice.  Or respectful on non-recons.

So...still walking this path with confidence and hope.  I love what I'm learning and how slowly I seem to be walking the path.  It's leisurely and very enjoyable.  Even if I don't stay on this path, the scenery is amazing.

This is effing old

The books have arrived although I haven't even opened them yet.  I'm in a bad mood due to the truck being down again...after spending nearly $2000 on it in the past 6 months and my solutions to our problems being dismissed as if I'm stupid.  So...yeah...tired of all this bad luck that just seems to keep piling on.  And while my convenience isn't a big issue, I'm the one who has to sit home until the damned thing gets fixed again, which could be weeks from now because Tom only gets one day a week off from work.  Ever.  And should Zach get a job he's going to lose it because we never have two vehicles up and running for long.  And this has lasted for over 16 years.  No shit.

I'm not well-versed in magick yet and the one time I did try a spell to block all the negativity that has heaped upon us (I swear we're under a curse) but nothing changed so it wasn't effective apparently.

I will try to calm myself and settle myself in and read tonight in hopes things will look brighter tomorrow.  Not sure of the gods enough to ask for any help right now so I'll just send a prayer out in the ether to whoever is listening.  I'm about worn down from all this.  I truly am.