Trying to break out of that shell

A different kind of Hestia answered today when I invoked the hearth goddess.  Initially I thought it was Brighid, but now I think it's still Hestia, but as she really is and not as I have pictured her.  I do tend to view her as pristine, virginal and aloof.  The goddess who answered today was more down-to-earth and showed more tenderness and understanding about the difficulty in keeping house with limitations.  It's the first time I've felt that kind of compassion from her.  And it comes after a weekend when I had to work with extreme fatigue in preparing a house for company.  Then, too, maybe my feeble attempts at hospitality spoke to her and we made a connection that way.

I know that the Greeks feel very strongly about hospitality.  It's a big issue, making someone feel welcome and at home.  This has been an internal struggle for me, a recluse and social misfit, trying to open up my home and my self to "invaders."  It worked out very well, actually and while I could only do my best, and with Tom's schedule, do it mostly on my own, I do feel like I did a much better job than I have done in the past several years.

I even showed my altar to my sister-in-law, who while being an atheist, is very sympathetic to the spiritual journeys of people around her.  Although I really was obnoxious about my journey through fundamentalist Christianity.  We did talk about my reasons for leaving but not so much about where I was traveling now.  She loved my crystals and stones and my Starry Night print.  She has her own spiritual connection with Nature, even as an atheist, which I find very beautiful.  We did some bridge-building this weekend and maybe in the future, if I can manage to leave home again, we'll do something together, as couples.

I was invited to an Imbolc festival at Circle Sanctuary with the Madison Area Pagans.  It's an afternoon event so I might go.  If Zach will go with me.  I know nothing about group rituals but I am eager to learn.  I haven't actually met with anyone from the group yet because I haven't made any meetups yet.  Zach's D&D game was on Saturday night so we couldn't go.  If I can get past the sheer terror of going someplace new I will definitely attend.  Tom is encouraging me to go.  He can't get off work or else he would take me there.

I am more comfortable with this dual path than I had thought I would be.  Maybe it's not real Hellenic Polytheism, but I'm okay with that.  I'm beginning to think of myself as more of a Hellenic Druid anyway.  It's my path; I can call it what I want. :) 

It's getting dark and I need to refill the bird feeders before I shut down for the night.

BB

She's back and she brought her luggage

Ritual last night was interesting on many levels.  For one thing, when I lit the candles and incense and invoked the gods, I discovered Artemis sitting sideways on her deer, acting as if nothing had happened.  But she did let me know that the deer was hers and Pan could find another representation.  Okay, not literally sitting on her deer, but that image was strong in my mind.  So I prayed specifically to her and felt a connection we hadn't shared before.  I have no idea why the flounce earlier but she is back and brought her luggage so I assume she's here to stay.

I don't feel right invoking Artemis without praying also to Apollo, and since I was going to be practicing divination, I offered up prayer to him prior to opening my tarot deck.  The deck was behaving very strangely in my hands.  Normally I don't have any trouble shuffling them in spite of their size (Rider-Waite) but the deck kept exploding in my hands, cards flying everywhere.  Finally I put them away for a bit, focused on the candles and incense, and just concentrated on both Apollo and the cards themselves.  Finally I was able to set out the three cards.  My spread is just 3, representing past, present and future.  The past card was the Knight of Swords, which I felt was talking about me conquering the indecision about which gods and which path.  It really had been weighing on me even if I didn't articulate it.

The second card, the one of the present, was the Ace of Cups, which really did feel right because of the satisfaction and peace I have felt ever since accepting the dual path I'm taking.  Future was the Knight of Pentacles, which I intuited to mean that I would be required to demonstrate responsibility on this path, focusing on spirituality, frugality and nature, things I have been neglecting of late.

This was actually my second spread.  The first one was completely dark and felt wrong for some reason.  Which is why I put the cards down and focused on hearing what Apollo or the gods had to tell me.  Also, when I've been away from my cards for a while, they tend to throw tantrums when I pick them up again. So after the second spread, which felt right but also felt a bit incomplete.  Then I found several tarot cards had fallen off my tray and were in the bed covers.  So I'm not sure if the reading was accurate or not.  I won't try again for a few days since I never get very good readings if I do them too soon after a reading.

I got out my Druid Animal Oracle cards, which really did seem to be right on. The first card represents the guiding idea, cause, impulse or motive behind a situation or event. The first card was the Eagle.  According to the cards, the Eagle helps with decisions and allows me to detach from my worries and keep my focus on the spiritual.  I'm to look to the Eagle whenever I feel stress encroaching on my spiritual life.  On the Greek level, the Eagle represents Zeus, who I also kept running into last night.  As Zeus is the king of the gods, this seems to confirm that my path lies with the Greeks.

The second card represents its effect on the emotional, social or relationship level.  The second card was the Bull, which represents the Druid version of Jupiter (Zeus).  The Bull helps guide me in matters of money and focus on financial responsibilities, which corresponds with the tarot card I pulled.

The third card represents its effect on the physical level of manifestation--in the body or in the concrete, tangible world.  The Stag (Artemis?) brings strength when I am vulnerable.  Asking for protection from the Stag will bring calmness, strength, dignity and represents beginnings.  Perhaps the beginning of merging my Greek and Druid paths?

I'm not sure I'm reading these cards right but I'm trying.  I've put the animal oracle cards on my altar to ponder and meditate on during evening ritual.  Perhaps more intuition will come to me then.

But I couldn't sleep worth beans last night and it didn't occur to me until just now that I hadn't focused on releasing the energy I used reading the cards.  This happens to me every time I do that.  No sleep at all.  As I said, I'm very new at this.  I used to read them many years ago but I lost my confidence and intuition.  Plus since I burned the cards because I was told they were evil, I suspect the tarot is holding me at arm's length until I have developed a better relationship with them.

Consistency is the key.  In all of my spiritual choices, actually.  But I'm getting there.  I may stumble and get it wrong occasionally, but each time I do that I walk more confidently on my path.

BB