Grieving ritual

I found a few prayers for those passing from this realm into the next one in my Book of Pagan Prayers and started out my ritual last night with those, after lighting the candles for the gods above and below.  And after lighting the incense and waving it around myself and the altar.

Then, without a lot of forethought, I picked up the chrysanthemum stone, which I use to represent Persephone on my altar, and held it to my cheek while I prayed, "Persephone, Goddess of the Underworld, whisper in Hades' ear that David was only 24 years old and never got the chance to have a wife and family.  Whisper in Hades' ear that David was kind to my son, an Eagle Scout and cheery fellow." I think I asked her to whisper more things but those are the only ones I can remember. The response I received was nearly palpable.  I felt a charge of energy that absolutely permeated my body, making it tingle and all the hairs on my arms stand on end.

But most of all, I felt so at peace afterward, so comforted.  Hades gets a bad rep, mostly because we, as humans, tend to fear death and the deities responsible for the dead.  But also a huge chunk of misrepresentation belongs to the Christian fathers and early writers who associated Hades with hell and Satan.  Just as they did Pan.  While I'm not eager to cross the river Styx anytime soon, I'm not afraid of Hades anymore.  I think the mythologies deal most with the fears people had about themselves than real stories of the gods.  I don't see Hades as a rapist, or an evil being who is in charge of sending souls to damnation.  Not at all.  Mostly I see him as a neutral figure, doing the job required of him in a dispassionate way.  I think Persephone is his partner, the balance to his neutrality by offering up the earthy, animated aspects of human beings.

Wishful thinking?  Imagination?  Perhaps.  But when I approach my altar to pray, I can only go by the response I feel, knowing that it's purely subjective.  I could be wrong, of course.  But what harm does it do to believe in the deities as they respond to me?

I also acknowledged Hermes, since he is the one who carries the souls to the Underworld.  It must be a very hard thing to bring those freshly separated from their bodies, probably full of confusion and questions.  Particularly those who had different ideas about the afterlife. Or perhaps he appears to each one as the deity they expect to see when they cross that river.

Not saying my view of this is either the right one or the only one.  Not at all.  But these are the gods I pray to and these are the ones who have comforted me when I grieved.  So these are the ones I envision taking care of the tasks of ferrying and caring for the dead.

At any rate, it was a wonderful experience and helped me sort out a lot of my anger and grief over war and the deaths of too many young people over a war that we had no business starting. But then, those who start most of the wars never actually participate in them.  Do they?  No, they send other people's children to die for their oil or religion or revenge.

I will remember the ritual and write it down in my notebook for a future time.  It was absolutely what I needed last night.

BB

Saturday night, nothing special

I ordered the book Rituals of the Dark Moon on the recommendation of Hippy Jersey Devil and I'm really anxious to get it.  It should be here in a week or so. 

I really need to get busy studying all the books I've got set out and start defining the rituals I want to incorporate into my worship.  I'm a lover of ritual, one of those people who are drawn to it magnetically.  It's just finding the ones you can use as a solitary practitioner don't always line up with my spiritual mindset.  I've got to learn to adapt them to my needs and I think I've grown enough to do that now.

I worked on my room yesterday, added my corn maiden to the altar but she's not sitting well.  Seems wrong somehow.  So she's going back into the armoir for now.  Maybe I'll add her back at the first harvest.  Still wondering what to do for Imbolc, if anything.  Pan has been whispering in my ear again, telling me to spend more time outdoors.  And not time between the car and the store.  Time in Nature again.  It may be that I should look at Imbolc as the promise of spring and appeal to Pan, since he's the one nudging me right now. It really falls into place for me with him as the focus.  Not so much trying to fit Hestia in or invoking Brighid, whom I don't have a connection with anymore.  If I ever did.

I've been pushing myself to speak up more in the facebook Pagan groups I'm a member of.  I get nervous about it but I'm making some friends in the Madison group and since I might be able to meet up with them, it's a bit exciting.  Especially since one of them is from Feral Druidry, a blog I've been reading off and on for a while.  Not all are Wiccan, which is what I thought at first when we were an email group.  There are many different spiritual disciplines and they have been so helpful to me on my journey to find out what my path is. One girl, from Witchy Rambles, is moving near Madison soon and she recommended a book called Candlemas that is in the library system. I have it on hold and might find some rituals that work for me for Imbolc.  I can't explain how hard it is for me to jump into a group of unknown people and expose myself, no matter how kind they have seemed.  I'm such a recluse.  But...if Zach doesn't have D&D the next time there is a meetup, we're going.

But for now, I'm enjoying forging friendships online even if I'm doing a terrible job of it.  I just lost the know-how after being a recluse for so many years.

Sad news...a young man from our former fundie church was killed in Afghanistan on Wednesday.  He was one of the good guys, always nice to Zach, although they weren't friends really.  We saw him in the school's production of Beauty and the Beast and although he had a minor role, he was brilliant in it.  I'll be lighting a candle for him tonight and offering up the incense to Hermes, who carried his soul to the underworld and Hades, who judged him.  And whisper to Persephone to speak on his behalf.  Zach says he has no clear memories of him but he has blanked out a lot of what went on there.  Still, I liked David and his parents although I'm sure they would be horrified if they knew that I invoked Pagan gods on behalf of their son.  I guess I just won't tell them.

Early to bed tonight.  I just need some down time to rest and restore myself.

BB 

Time to clear, clean and cleanse

Zeus moved to another altar last night.  No, not on his own.  But wouldn't that have been wild?  No, I just had this feeling that he wasn't happy where he was so I moved him to my "threshold" altar where Hermes resides.  Not literally, of course.  But it's the first thing you see when you walk in the door so I can see why Zeus would be happier there.  I'm knitting a new altar cloth for them because the original one was too small and the bandana I put down is too big.  I'm just knitting a rectangle in a linen stitch, which reminds me so much of woven cloth, which fits in nicely with a Greek/druid altar.

I have read, though, that altars are places where you do "work" and everything else is a shrine.  But as I work everywhere, they are altars to me.

Still wondering what to do about Imbolc.  I've read that Hestia can be substituted for Brighid on Imbolc, but I can't say that I feel right about that.  Hestia isn't a Greek version of Brighid.  They are their own goddesses with different characteristics and responsibilities.  I also read that Imbolc was also called Lupercus but I can't find anything to corroborate that.  February 15 is Lupercalia, which remembers the founding of Rome, but can't find a festival called Lupercus anywhere.  Still, neither of those things represent where I am and what I want to achieve.  I'm pretty sure the ewes aren't birthing this time of year in our neck of the woods, but it's possible, I suppose.

It's a bit of a struggle for me, forging this path, trying to merge the worship of Greek gods with the philosophy of Druidry as most of the festivals in Druidry are geared toward the Celtic/Welsh/Irish/Scots/whatever gods. Not everything can cross over.  Nor should it.  I don't feel locked into the Wheel as much as I thought I would be.  And there are some Greek observances that I do like.  I love Hecate's Deipnon, which is the dark of the moon, a time of cleansing of the house and settling up of your bills (not like that's going to happen anytime soon, but what the heck).  Cleaning out the fridge of old foods, getting rid of clutter and stuff you're not ever going to use so why not throw it out or recycle it, smudging, getting that flow of energy back the way it should be.  Cleansing the house of negativity.  I do love that even if I've only managed to accomplish it once.

There are other things, too, but I haven't managed to do anything with them yet.  Family meals with the gods as guests of honor, hospitality, things of that nature.  Not so much in ritual form, although you could.  More of a labor of love.

But...baby steps.  I get in all kinds of trouble when I try to throw myself into something with all my being.  I burn out hot and quickly.  I need that slow, steady flame.  Hard to change half a century of bad habits though.

So tonight after laundry and supper, I'm going to clean my room because it's gotten cluttered.  I missed Hecate's Deipnon but it's still not too late to do the cleaning, clearing and cleansing.  Never too late for that.  And I always do better when everything is tidy as opposed to chaotic.

And prayer.  My prayers have been short and...short lately because of the fatigue, which I sometimes think is linked to the disorder in my house.  If I can at least get the area around my main altar in order, maybe I can put that found energy toward the rest of the house and build on that.

One can hope, after all.

BB

Maybe if I re-read it enough I'll finally understand it

I'm running low on my black candles and don't want to buy more because I'd either have to order them off the internet or wait until Halloween with the stores have orange and black candles available.  Only thing is the black candles smell like licorice and I absolutely hate the smell and taste of licorice.  So I went with a deep, deep, dark red that I found at StuffMart.  I think that represents the chthonic gods as well as black does.  I still have about a month's worth of black candles left though.  Or more if I don't keep them lit as much, but I love those chthonic gods so I tend to let their candles burn a lot.

I'm re-reading Triumph of the Moon.  Well, I say re-reading but I mean, re-reading the parts I already read last time I had it out from the library.  The print is small and not terribly conversational and I have mush for brain cells, thanks to the fibromyalgia, so in a way it's like reading it for the first time.  I only got two chapters in before I had to let it go back.  I've just finished the first chapter again so I'm a bit ahead of the game since it took me 2 weeks to read it last time.

I still have an intellectual crush on Professor Hutton and could sit and listen to him lecture for hours on end.  I've got a few of his lectures from the Druidcast on my mp3 player.  I've only listened to two of them and have a couple more to listen to.  I found it very interesting reading about how the Greek gods never really left the picture.  I think later he talks about the regional gods of Britain but the evolution of "paganism" (small p) was interesting to read about.

I'm really exhausted today after two days of errands, including a trip up to Fond du Lac for my semi-annually appointment with the rheumatologist.  A must if I want to keep taking my pain pills.  But I am beat and plan on setting up my ottoman in front of the altar, lighting the candles and doing some praying and reading while I'm near the heart of my spiritual center. I find it rejuvenating.

Then, I'm crawling into bed and vegging out for the rest of the night with mindless watching of anything that doesn't require my complete attention.  I need some "me" time once in a while, after all.

BB

With permission

When my depression sinks to a certain level, there isn't even a smidgen of spirituality left in me.  It's like it floats away, leaving me empty inside.  Which is what depression feels like a lot...emptiness.  So, I'm trying to ride it out and quit fighting the momentum.  I skipped a day of prayer and attending my altar but last night I did light the candles and incense because they do help with my focus and sometimes that focus can help lift the depression, even if it's only a miniscule amount.

I had been reading too may Hellenic sites that were either recon or close to it.  I am able to understand where they're coming from more now, but still disagree that this is the only way to honor and worship the Greek gods.  A few of them made me so angry with their rigidity that I deleted them so I wouldn't be tempted to go back there and read more.  One site didn't make me angry but I couldn't make heads or tails out of just what the hell they were talking about.  I can be a deep thinker but they were digging toward the core of the earth.  Way beyond what I want in my relationship with the gods.

I finally found the 2012 calendar from Hellenion giving all the various holy days and celebrations for the year but I just can't seem to get enthused about it.  It's not that the ceremonies aren't beautiful.  They are!  But it's so not me.  So I had a talk with the gods at the altar with my candles and incense lit and told them that I was sorry but I just couldn't worship them in that way.  That my way was more the path of Nature, more eclectic with a lot of Druid overtones and that if they couldn't accept that, then I was sorry but I just couldn't do it the "Greek" way.  I said I would understand if they decided to pack up their luggage and leave, but that my heart was with them, just not the way their followers worship them.

For quite a while I stood there feeling nothing at all, as if the gods were convening and taking it under advisement.  Then, just when I was about to blow the candles out and go to bed, I felt that warm glow I always feel when I am connected with the gods.  All is well.  I'm not sure everyone is on board with this manner of worship but I know that the ones I honor the most are.  So with permission I will follow the path I see laid out before me even if it seems a bit off to some out there.

Now that's not to say that I won't find myself performing a ritual derived from the groups that are recon or close to it.  Or that I won't still pour a libation to Hestia every day.  But I just can't be exclusively Hellenic.  It just isn't where my path is taking me.

I'll figure out what to do with the various stops on the Wheel that are more Celtic in design and adapt them to the Greeks I worship.  I don't think it will be a daunting task at all.  I just have to keep in tune with what's going on with Nature and how the gods fit into that.

But now I need some sleep or I will fall over while lighting the candles tonight.  Might be another night I skip ritual and sleep instead. 

There are worse things to do, after all.

Mindless spirituality...or how to pray when your brain cells have left the building

Sometimes you just don't need elaborate ritual to feel in that spiritual groove.  Last night I was bone tired, brain dead and just eager to crawl into my bed.  But I also wanted to acknowledge the gods because I enjoy it.  So I just lit the candles and the incense and grabbed the chrysanthemum stone and held it to my forehead and just zoned out for a bit.  I didn't pray or act out any kind of ritual but I still felt that connection between me and the gods.  It's an instinctive thing, I think.

Normally I stand when I attend my altar but standing is painful for me so I would like to come up with an alternative.  I like the idea of kneeling but as I would have to call for Zach in order to get up again, I don't think that's an option either.  I'm thinking of just sliding the ottoman over to the altar and sitting on it while I pray or do ritual.  I can reach everything at that height and getting up doesn't require a crane.

I haven't done much studying lately.  Fatigue dulls my brain and lessens my concentration so it's futile to even try until my brain cells decide to join me while studying.  They normally let me know when they're back from vacation but since I haven't heard from them yet, I'm guessing they're still at the beach.  I do miss them when they're gone.

Hopefully I'll be back to normal soon.  Zach and I are going to attempt some healthier options for eating and exercising and maybe that will lure those pesky brain cells back.  It's worth a try anyway.

In the meantime, I'll just muddle through, reading the same sentences over and over again and letting the gods direct my worship for me.

BB

Getting to know them

I downloaded some Druidcasts to my mp3 player today.  I haven't listened in quite a while but as they help keep me motivated, I decided I should do that.  I was also thinking about the nature of the gods lately although I really don't have any clear idea of who they are exactly.  I can only go back to my experience with the Fertile Crescent god who demanded perfection from us while claiming he possessed it, yet seemed have a lot of do-overs himself.

But who are the gods?  Are they the loving parent who nurtures us and always bestows lovingkindnesses upon us, sad when we don't always behave but never gives us time-outs?  I don't have anything concrete to base my beliefs on except that feeling we are all entitled to.

I don't see the gods as all-good, perfect, or universally fair.  I believe they grow up in much the same way we grow up.  I don't see them as static deities who have always been perfect with no room to grow into anything better.  I think they do make mistakes.  I think they have favorites and that's one reason we don't all worship the same deities.  I think they exist for themselves and not for us or our pleasure but our very existence fills them with either love, indifference or anger.  I don't think all the gods like us.

I think there are gods of light and darkness or both.  I don't think darkness means evil, though.  I think it just means that there are elements that exist in that realm that aren't as happy, clappy as the other realm, but still contain as much satisfaction for those who thrive in the dark.  Not all creatures live in the sunshine, after all.

I think we will never know the gods in this reality and can only go by intuition or even just plain guesswork. But I think the more we tune ourselves into the deities who have called us to them, the more likely we are to find a framework to build into knowledge. 

I don't think of the gods as happy and fluffy toward us all the time.  I think some do care very much and are willing to give a shoulder or even stand up for us against the crap we have to endure as humans.  But I think they all have a side to them that you wouldn't want to encounter very often.  I love that Hera knows and understand what I'm going through, but I also "know" that whining pisses her off.  And I really wouldn't want to piss off Hera.

I'm still learning and probably always will and I'm sure I'll be fine-tuning these opinions or maybe even changing them altogether as I grow closer and closer to the deities who have called me to do their will.  Or perhaps even find the gods coming and going in my life as my own spirituality changes and grows.  Maybe in a year from now, I'll read this post and think it ridiculously naive.  Who knows?

I may not know them very well, but I know myself enough to say with some certainty that should any deity ever tell me to worship him and him alone and if I didn't then he was going to punish me with pain for eternity, then I will kick that deity out of my life forever.  Oh, wait...I already did that.