Not playing that game anymore

I wasn't going to post today because I don't feel good and am a bit cranky but then I had to get away from knitting endlessly for a few and decided to go for it.  After all, I've been crankier.

I had to go to the store today to get some cold medicine because I've managed to catch whatever it is that Tom had over the weekend and Zach has now.  While there, I decided to look for a glass bowl for my altar to use for sacred/annointing water.  I had some specific ideas about how it should look...clear glass, handles if possible and not more than a dollar.  I know...pretty unrealistic.  I saw nothing at the store so I stopped at the thrift store on the way home and found nearly exactly what I was looking for, for 99 cents.  Gotta love it when a plan comes together. Thank the God/desses as I had mentioned it to them last night.

I came home and transferred my consecrated water to the new bowl and mentioned to Tom what a deal I had gotten.  So he walks into my room, picks up the bowl and turns it over, spilling the water all over my altar.  He then blamed me for it saying he didn't know it had water in it.  Sigh.  Of course...  I very patiently told him not to worry about it as I soaked up the water off of my cloth and my spirit beads, crystals, incense burner, etc.  I thought, since I was going to change it out later in the week anyway, I would just go ahead and change the colors to blue, which is what I felt like having on my altar during the interim.  He said, while I was mopping up the water, that he supposed that water was special or something, huh?  I said yes but didn't make a big deal of it.  He then volunteered to get me some more water from the faucet.  I told him I would take care of it but thanked him for it anyway.

Now...I wasn't in a friendly mood toward him anyway as he had made some remarks yesterday about me looking to find fault with Christianity and that's why I left it.  I've told him my story more than once, that I lost my faith from reading the fucking Bible...sorry...from reading the Bible in order to write a Nativity play for our church.  When I couldn't get the chronology to line up with the different accounts, I lost my faith.  He knows this as we have talked about it many times.  Yet he blames me for leaving Christianity because I chose to find fault with the Bible itself.  I knew this was going to happen eventually.  And this is why he keeps me confused.  Some days he's supportive and helpful, other days he displays attitudes like this, as if I deliberately was looking for "proof" to leave it.

And just the day before we had such a good talk about why I left and how I was doing so much better now.  He was so supportive then. This kind of thing exists in other areas of our relationship so I don't know why I expected this to be different.  I'm tired of being pulled in one direction and another so I have decided not to play the game anymore.

I think the time has come to just shut up about it.  I hate having to play roulette with something that is very precious to me.  I thought I could talk to him about it, but I was wrong.  From now on I'll just use this blog as a venue for discussing, sorting and sharing the spiritual things that are important to me.  Zach is going through a time where he just isn't interested in spiritual matters so I hate to unload on him.  I don't want to pressure him on his path. 

It's just one of the hurdles on the journey that gives me choices.  I can wait for it to disappear, walk around it or jump over it. As I don't plan on stopping my journey, I think I'll choose the least delay and jump over it.  I might bruise my shin but I'll be on my way sooner.

So after all of this, I changed my altar cloths, re-consecrated my altar and tools and blessed the water and just moved on.  Except the incense hurt my throat...that pesky scratchy sore throat I hadn't thought about when I lit it.

Well, my sneezing is interfering with my typing right now so I'm off to bed for some more knitting as I'm too grumpy to sleep.

Pathway ponderings

Now that the season is winding down, I'm trying to center myself somewhat by introducing rituals, both daily and seasonally, that mean something to me.  I've discovered that magick may not be my thing so much as my observance and reverence for Nature and connection with the God/desses are.  I'm not being dogmatic about it.  In fact, I refuse to be dogmatic about anything anymore.  But at least for now, magick isn't on the table for me.  What I'm comfortable with is lighting candles, visualizing, meditating and finding that connection with the God/desses.  Spells, not so much.

It's been an incredible year spiritually.  Not incredible in the sense that all was fantastic, but incredible as in, wow! I can't believe I actually did that!  It's still amazing to me that I left Christianity behind, considering the propaganda I was spoonfed my whole life.  Leaving behind the fear...or dare I say abject terror...over the thought of life outside Christianity was probably one of the bravest things I ever did.  Even if I did leave and go back a few times before leaving for good.  And any feelings I've had about returning have nothing to do with returning to Christianity, but the longing for the people and rituals I loved.  Alas!  I'm not the kind of person who can go through the motions.  I need the belief to be there or I feel a huge disconnect.

I'm developing ritual gestures that have meaning to me even if they don't resemble anything in Druidry or Wicca.  Instead of spells, I plan on focusing on herbs and crystals this year, studying hedge-witchery, I guess you could call it.  But mostly I plan on learning to be intuitive and following my heart instead of a book.  Learning about nature by spending more time out there.  Focusing more on the simple things, improving my talents, crafts and mind.  This first year was really a time of finding myself and my path and although it was wonky at times, it's been enlightening and educational.

I also have the freedom to do all this now that we are "out" to Tom and can function freely about the house.  It makes a huge difference to be able to practice your beliefs openly instead of hiding them furtively, as if they are wrong. 

I've also noticed that, while I still suffer from depression and probably always will, it's been much more manageable as a Pagan, than as a Christian.  The pressure is much less when you don't have to "work things through" as if your illness is a character flaw.  I can treat my depression (although without medication unfortunately due to possible fatal interactions with other medication I'm taking) naturally with exercise, better eating habits and lots of sunshine (not that I've actually done that yet) but better, I can acknowledge that this is not my fault and on those days when I can't get out of bed, don't beat myself up over it.

All in all, becoming a Pagan is one of the best things that has ever happened to me.  The days when I doubt my path have been reduced to minutes instead.  I'm becoming more familiar with Paganism in various forms and am letting myself walk the path for the enjoyment instead of the journey's end.

And I find that death isn't as frightening as it was as a Christian.  Although I'm not keen to try it out, the fear that my cancer might return isn't as heavy a burden as it used to be. 

Not to mention the friends and community online I've discovered.  I can truthfully say all of you have made my path an easier one to walk and I'm so glad you're in my life.

The Axial tilt is the reason for the season

Merry Mithras, one and all!  It being his mythology and all.  Tom laughed when Zach and I greeted each other with this.  We had a good talk last night about my path, his family, my family and me taking care of myself.  He confuses me because we have such good talks like that but he can turn on a dime and be as un-understanding as he is understanding.

I'm feeling better and less nostalgic now that the day is actually here.  We opened presents last night, a complete change of tradition.  It went well and we got to sleep in this morning.  Until this afternoon, actually.  Zach isn't the reason we get up early.  No, the husband can't sleep in due to the anticipation of what's under the tree.

Me?  I'm just glad it's over.  Seriously.  On Christmas day I'm champing at the bit wanting to take down all the decorations.  I'll wait until Monday though, when Tom goes to work.

The house is tiny but with the decorations up, we're even more cramped and crowded so I'm glad to get rid of them.  I haven't really celebrated Christmas in years, truth be told.  I've merely endured it.  I guess I was leaving Christianity behind on a gradual basis for the past 5 years or so.

Off to lounge around, knit and watch Star Trek (the movie...mine) and How to Train Your Dragon (Zach's) and probably sleep off and on.  I'm not going to the family function because it's upsetting me just thinking about it.  I'll try some smaller family events over the course of the year.  Jumping in to a huge gathering isn't the best plan for me.

Hope everyone is enjoying themselves!  Have a good one...whatever you celebrate!

Reflections on Christmas Eve

This is my first Christmas since leaving Christianity and it's not been without some angst.  I've found myself nostalgic for the pomp and ceremony of Christmas Eve services at St. Mark's.  Oddly, there is no other church I feel nostalgic toward but in the Episcopal Church I found the ritual and sense of spirituality I thought I had been looking for all my life.  Except I didn't believe anymore.  I still feel a bit cheated that I finally found the manner in which I could worship Christ and lost the ability to do so.

I have pondered of late returning to St. Mark's as an unbeliever who participates in a ritual that far outdates Christianity anyway.  I won't do anything during the holidays because I suspect this is a whim based on lost memories but I have been missing the people there.  I'll postpone the decision until long after the holidays.  Likely the urge will disappear the first time the alarm goes off to wake me up early to attend.  If not, then I'll just wing it.

I hesitate about going back for a number of reasons.  One being that if I do go back and find that I just can't do it anymore, then I'll be leaving again and have to go through the process of saying good-bye again.  Another reason is that there will be the inevitable questions about where I've been and where Zach is. He won't go back and I won't ask him to.  I get tired of trying to field personal questions.

On the other hand, I am lonely.  I miss having people in my life to do things with, even if only for an hour or so a week.  I am pretty sure that the solitary path is perfect for me spiritually but I am isolated enough as it is and could use some community.

One huge drawback is Tom.  He never liked us going to that church (it being nearly Catholic) and he has told me he didn't like me much as a Christian so it really impairs my ability to make a decision when I've got a good idea that one choice will bring discord into the home.  On the other hand, it's my spirituality and since he apparently only exercises his when it's convenient, I shouldn't let him interfere in my decision making.

One thing I know is that I am called to Paganism in a way I was never called to Christianity.  I am still very new to it and don't have the familiarity with it that I do with Christianity, but I do have the connection with Paganism that I don't feel with Christianity.  Within Christianity it was a struggle to keep my thoughts constantly on God as I was supposed to do.  In Paganism, it comes naturally to me to think of this God or that Goddess in the course of my activities, in a natural way.  I frequently commune with the Goddess (whichever one is beckoning me at the time) as I would talk to my mother or a dear friend.

I suspect this is all about being wistfully nostalgic because I have no desire to go back to that way of life.  I just miss the rituals now and then.  And the people.  Although I would wager that more than a few of them would distance themselves from me should they find out I no longer believe.

Ah, well.  These are the things I'm  pondering today but tomorrow it will be about the presents!!!!  I'm shameless, I know but it's not about me receiving...it's about watching my loved ones receive.  That's the best thing for me.

Have a Happy Christmas however your celebrate it.

Merry Solstice!

It was a wonderful Solstice even if I didn't get to see the lunar eclipse because of the snow.  I had just started to light candles when my firstborn called and we ended up talking for nearly an hour.  At which time my intentions weren't as ambitious and the ritual became shortened a bit.

When it came time to perform the ritual, it seemed foreign to me and not exactly what I wanted to do so I winged it yet again.  Only this time I must say that it made for an incredibly intimate and powerful event.  After I called peace from the compass points, I lit the candles of the goddess and the god and placed my yellow (Lugh) candle in the holder.  At that moment I got such a tingling in my body that I felt as if I was in the presence of something much greater than I.  After a brief meditation on the return of the Sun and the Sun God, I lit Lugh's candle and nearly cried with the intensity of emotion.  Then I simply sat and talked to the god/desses about the return of the light and how blessed I felt to be called by them.  It was enough to just sit in their presence.

I do intend to incorporate established ritual into my life but I also plan on going with my heart when the god/desses request that, also.  Today Danu and I had a long talk in the parking lot of StuffMart, because that seems to be a sacred space for me, as odd as it sounds.  Zach and I have long used that parking lot to have heartfelt discussions and sort out things that have troubled us.  It was a safe place during a time of abject fear for us. 

There are times I just can't handle the intensity of energy and power that goes along with ritual so I use those times to merely sit and commune with the god/desses.  I have decided that it's time to begin my studies on magic although I plan on starting slowly and building up.  As I said, that intensity of energy overwhelms me at times.

All in all it was a magical experience even without the lunar eclipse.

Merry Solstice, everyone!

Feeling good about things

No pictures so far as it's been gloomy outside and I haven't opened up any curtains yet.  It's dark in here with my insulated, room-darkening curtains.  But cozy.

I've been doing some studying of late and then I have to take a day or two to ponder what I've read.  If I am able to remember it.  Darned memory problems.  I'm feeling good about the direction my spirituality is taking and I'm learning more and more about myself. 

I've discovered that I tend to be unaware of a lot of what goes on around me.  And in me.  I seem to be drifting a lot.  I've been trying to focus more and I think I'm making progress.  I'm feeling good about that.

I'm trying to make my preparations for Yule now instead of waiting until Yule to throw something together.  Feeling good about that, too.  I think my path is leading me to a blend of Druidry and Wicca.  I'm more comfortable with the Celtic pantheon rather than the Lord and the Lady but I'm also more comfortable with the rituals of Wicca rather than the Druid rituals.  So I'm feeling good about that, too.

On the other hand, I'm having a hard time with the Christianists I'm running into of late, or the ones who are messing with friends.  It's becoming more and more obvious to me that their brand of Christianity is so manipulative and so controlling as to be dangerous to the well-being of a lot of people I care about.  Unfortunately their brand is the one most widely practiced.  I'd love to go kick someone's mother's ass for her for being such a jerk to my friend, but since I don't know her and she's nowhere near me, I'll have to do it in my imagination.

I had an odd experience the night Jon (the kid who killed himself) died.  I had a dream...well, I'm not sure it was a dream, that I was in his parents' house, just walking through.  It was dark with some light from the outside street lights showing in through the curtains so it was a very black and white atmosphere.  I walked a short ways up the stairs into the living room and stopped in front of the kitchen, then I was back in my dream again.  The thing is, I felt awake, and aware of what I was doing.  The furniture was arranged a bit differently from when I was there last (several years ago) but I felt more like I was really there instead of dreaming about being there.  I was aware I was in my bed but I didn't feel asleep.  In fact, when I left the house, I laid awake in my bed for a while pondering it.  I had done this a long time ago when I was in the Navy and was involved in what we called white witchcraft then.  They called it shadow walking then.  I'm not sure what happened but it didn't feel like a dream.

At any rate, I'll try to get pictures of my altars soon.  If the sun doesn't shine soon, I'll try to arrange the lighting so I can get some taken.

Choosing my friends

I finally accepted that my family isn't interested in my blogs or anything I have to say on facebook and then my aunt decides to join fb and now wants to friend me.  This is the aunt who sends me fundie and tea party shit.  Without that baggage she's a lot of fun and interesting to talk to but I am out of the broom closet online and I'm not going back in.  Not to mention my parents don't know Zach is gay and of course, neither do my aunts and uncles.  My sisters and my nieces and nephews, my children and grandchildren know but not my parents.  And I don't intend to change that.  My dad isn't known for his tolerance about the subject and my mother hasn't accepted that he has Tourette's and OCD so I really don't think she'll be able to handle having a gay grandson.

So I've decided not to friend her.  She wouldn't like the stuff I post there anyway as I'm not shy about how I feel about the fundies and tea party people.  Not to mention all the Pagan stuff I post there.  This is also the aunt who decided I needed a lecture on not visiting my parents more often so I'm not feeling particularly generous.  I love her, but I'm not going to change who I am or how I do things.  And I'm not going to set myself up for lectures or "prayers" either.  I'm not going to advertise to people who won't understand it but I'm also not going to hide in the closet either.

I've been cleaning and organizing today and it's amazing how much more spiritual I feel when my house is clean.  Well, okay, cleaned up.  I haven't managed to achieve clean yet.  I'll try to get some pictures of my Yule altar and my kitchen altar tomorrow.  It's supposed to be sunny and above zero so I can open up the curtains and let some sunshine in.  Good thing I thrive in the dark of the year or I'd suffer from SAD during the winter months.

Actually I've been experiencing fewer depression symptoms of late.  I really must thrive in the dark.

I haven't decided on a new necklace yet so I'm going to knit myself a charm bag so I can wear my crystals when I need to.  I think that's what I want to wear now.  Maybe after the first of the year I'll decide if I want a pentacle or something else.

Off to finish up supper and curl up in bed to knit and watch some history documentaries.  I love this time of night.