Healing

The last couple of weeks have been a healing time for me physically. Fortunately the pain levels are back down to what they were before but the healing involves a lot of sleep, which means I'm not getting a lot done. I like to think the gods are very patient with me. I've had some dreams about esoteric things, most of which is just a whisper in my sleep. But soothing nonetheless. The gods have certainly been good to us the past few weeks by settling a lot of stressful things that we had no idea could be settled so quickly. Our washer died along with the car nearly following suit, lasting long enough to buy another one before it died as well.

I don't pray for "things" like I did as a christian. My relationship with the gods deals more with asking for the ability to handle things rather than things themselves. Not that it's right or wrong; it's just the difference in me as a pagan. As I heal I feel more motivated to see some progress in my spiritual practices as well. I'm also feeling more open in my search for the right path. 

In ancient times the lives of the people were affected by strangers who passed through or settled down in communities, bringing new gods into the picture or new understandings. For example, the Norse gods eventually became the Anglo Saxon gods. I don't see my path as narrow as I used to. Maybe I'm finally getting rid of my all-or-nothing perspective.

I'm feeling freer with a lighter weight on my shoulders. I don't feel like I have to choose between the Norse/Anglo Saxon gods and the Celtic gods. It opens up a bigger world as well.

Hopefully I can now stay awake long enough to get some studying now.

Looking forward to a less stressful time for a change..

Pondering

I've been doing a lot of reading, mostly in Scott Cunningham's and Christopher Penczak's books with all kinds of thinking about both. Scott's book is familiar while Chris's is brand new to me. As with any new direction I take, I find my path not as black and white as when I started. I knew Wicca would not be the end result. Instead it seems to be the template although not the foundation. I am a hard polytheist so the dual nature, the god and goddess, are definitely not the path I can comfortably take. To me the gods are the gods with their own mythologies and cultures. So as a religion Wicca just doesn't work for me. But the study of magic and the rituals that come from Wicca, the practices, are a starting point.

The Celtic world feels like home, the place I keep coming back to. My ancestors were Celtic although that isn't a pre-requisite to walking this path. It's just a connection. But one that has deep roots. My biggest problem is that I have to stop viewing the world, and all my decisions, as black and white, all or nothing. Which comes from being taught those concepts all my life. It's hard to change after all this time.

It's time to broaden my scope though. Bring my Celtic books back out and start allowing myself to veer from the straight and narrow from time to time. Let intuition have a bigger place in my life. And listen. Listen to myself, to the gods and goddesses and those in my life who have more life experience.

The biggest thing I have to learn right now is to give up the power I let others have over me. Learn to ignore those who I fear are laughing at me because of the choices I have made. I have heard the laughter and ridicule. And I have heard about the laughter and ridicule. I would rather not have any friends than have those people in my life. But I am blessed by the gods because I do have many true friends who love me for who I am, who laugh with me and not at me. Okay, sometimes they laugh at me, too, but in a kind, funny way.

And so the lessons continue, both in life and in my spirituality. Soon the practical will begin in both arenas. I try not to be impatient but I am anxious to begin the actual practical lessons. And learn to work around my limitations. And get over the self-pity.

Until next time.

Back to the Beginning

I started out with Wicca and Brighid, Danu and Cernunnos, along with the rest of the Celtic Pantheon. I'm back there again although my version of Wicca is that of a solitary practitioner as Scott Cunningham writes it. With my son practicing witchcraft alongside me. Although we are both open to other authors as well. It took me long enough to figure out why paganism alone wasn't working for me: lack of hands-on practices, rituals and focus. What I had been trying to do for the past several years might have worked out well for others but it wasn't working out for me.

I have a lot of learning to do but at last I have the focus to do that. And it's not as complicated as I thought it was. I have several books already available to me: several Scott Cunningham books, Mrs. B's book about household magic and a couple of books by Bree NicGarran. I also belong to an online group with an amazing administrator/witch from whom I have already learned a lot.

I have my Celtic Oracle deck for divination that I already have a connection with but my Rider/Waite tarot deck and I don't click at all. I am considering Anglo-Saxon runes since I already have Alaric Albertson's book on Wyrdworking.

Having physical limitations has made me feel like my choices with witchcraft were few to non-existent but after talking with my friend/mentor, I like how accommodating Wicca/witchcraft really is. I'm not sure what I will end up with will be but it will be pretty close to Wicca. I am drawn to BTW as well. I'm not sure what the difference really is.

I'm not sure how often I will be able to post. Typing with one finger is time consuming but I do hope to make a better effort this time.

Until then...

The long dark tunnel that is depression

I'm coming out of the long, dark tunnel I've been trying to get through these past few weeks.  Depression hits hard and fast and can debilitate a person to the degree they can no longer function.  I do manage to function but just barely.  I've learned to just ride it out and not push myself.  It eases up quicker that way.

I will be posting again...soon.  But not today.  Today I'm catching up on housework and cooking and errands.  And that mountain of laundry in the basement.

And trying to warm up.  It's unseasonably cold the past couple of weeks with no sign of warmer days in sight. 

Brrr.  I hate to see the utility bill this month.

Battling the crud that is going around

Battling a cold right now and feel like crap so I don't have much to post about.  We voted today, of course.  Abso-fragging-lutely we voted. 

Zach's no longer working but he's planning his return to college.  The pain in his feet and his short arms and little hands made it hard for him to keep up with everyone else.  Not to mention the huge blisters on his heels that made walking a living hell. He's still hobbling around but is planning on getting some things done for me tomorrow.

I finally slept last night after a few nights of all-night cough-fests.  I slept 14 yours but I seriously could fall back in bed right now.  I hate getting sick.

I have to fix supper first so I'd better get started on that so I can go to bed.

No knitting for the past week because I feel so cruddy.  Not much in the way of spirituality either. 

I'll get through this.  I will.

Pain isn't a switch you can turn off because it makes other people uncomfortable

I've been mentally writing a post for this blog for several days now and still don't have anything to put down in print.  The content has become incredibly painful and I find myself going further than I intend to so it's taking a lot longer to write.  It has to do with Samhain and my mother.  The more I delve into my relationship with her the more I find deep pain. Both with her and with my still-living father.

And the pain isn't just from my relationship with them but from peripheral relationships that have determined that my perspective on my pain is "wallowing" and that I should just let it all go.  I don't know why talking about pain has now equated wallowing.  In fact, I know it hasn't.  My mother's death is still raw to me.  It's been a year and half since she died but I still haven't process the grief.  I guess I didn't grieve at the appropriate speed.

In pondering all of this, I've also had to deal with my departure from Christianity and all its rules.  One being that one must forgive.  It's mandatory.  Some of the more liberal denominations say it's for the health of the forgiver but what if forgiving isn't healthy?  Why has no one admitted that blanket forgiveness isn't healthy for everyone?  Forgiveness that is forced is far from the panacea we're brainwashed into believing.  The notion that we must "get over" or "let go" of things doesn't always heal.  Sometimes we need to process those hurts until we understand them and can move on with our lives.  Even if that means we never let go of them.  People who tell you to let go of your pain aren't experiencing your pain.  They are not empathetic to your anguish.  They only know they got over theirs (or suppressed it successfully).  And quite frankly they don't really care about yours.

Also, I've noticed that people who want you to forgive do so because they're bored with your pain.  No one really is interested in your story.  While you're trying to explain your pain they're busy thinking about what they're going to say to you to "fix" you so they don't have to hear it anymore.  And maybe, just maybe, the person in pain is talking about it so much because no one ever listens to what they're saying.

Maybe I'll forgive someday.  But if I do it will be because I can.  Not because I'm pressured to.  Or because I'm shamed into doing it.  Or maybe I won't.  But either way, it will be for my health.  Not forgiving isn't wallowing.  Sometimes it's protecting.

Telling someone to get over their pain is the same as telling someone with depression to just get over it.  Come to think of it...I've had that said to me, too.

Pictures!

My altar.  Cernnunos and Ceridwen on the upper shelf, Dagda in the picture frame on the lower shelf and the statue is Danu.  My Animal Oracle cards, a box of my crystals and stones behind everything in the raven box.  Tunes to the side (Damh the Bard, of course.)  My incense in the cauldron. Sticks of incense in the eagle statue.  Chalice and bowl for offerings.

I need to work on my photography.  I don't hold still as well as I should so a lot of what I take is blurry.

The wall above my altar.  The Sun and Moon, my mother's picture, Gwyn ap Nudd and Airmid.  The plaque is Mannanan mac Lir.  Briganti is on another altar but I'll have to take that picture later. That altar needs cleaning.

Zach and I have started on The Book of Celtic Magic by Kristoffer Hughes.  Some authors I click with and others are a bit difficult to make that connection with.  Kristoffer Hughes is one I really do connect with.  Another one is Alaric Albertsson, but while I love his books, my path is firmly in another direction now.  Still, there is much to glean from his books as well, especially To Walk a Pagan Path, which is beyond excellent.  It's generic Pagan so any path can benefit from it.

I also have from the Cauldron Born by Kristoffer Hughes as well.  That one I'm doing by myself.  I really feel drawn to Ceridwen and this book is helping open up that connection.

Also...Damh the Bard just really rocks!  It took a while to find the missing part of my spirituality:  music.  But having done that I am discovering the electric connection between the music and the gods.  It's amazing how that is working for me.  I love that his songs are so demonstrative of what a bard really is.  I finally feel complete now on my path.

I do have a lot of organizing to do yet, clearing up the back yard so our Samhain ritual will be in a more peaceful environment.  The chaos off weeds and clutter back there is really distressful but I haven't had the energy to work on it.  Plus the chronic pain I have to deal with.  It has been a lot better now that I'm taking turmeric but I'm having another flare up of the sciatica which not even the tramadol will help so it will be next week before I can get out there and work on the yard.  Meantime I'm knitting some socks for my sister's husband and I think one of his young relatives.  Not sure who the boy belongs to, but he's getting orange socks.  As per request.  Actually, more like pumpkin.   I got the yarn for that today so as soon as I'm done with the bil's socks (tonight) I'll start on the boy's socks.

I love how I can incorporate my crafts, my creativity and the music into my spiritual path.  I love that about Druidry.  Mostly though, I just love the gods.  I finally fell in love with them.  It's another part that has been missing for me.