Beware of Greeks bearing luggage

Remind me never to speak in absolutes

2012-02-15T20:49:00.001-06:00

Zach pointed out today that every time I make a definitive statement about my path, it changes.

Yep.

The Greeks have packed up and left.

I woke up yesterday morning and the house felt eerily empty. I lit my hearth candle and incense and...nothing. I lit Hermes's candle and...nothing. I didn't even try the family altar. It was so dark and cold I couldn't bear it. So, I just waited. I didn't really fret about it because they either come back or they don't. I spent my last tear and bit of angst on Christianity. I won't let any gods tear me apart ever again.

I suppose that makes me a cold-hearted bitch, but when they're here, I'm as passionate and devout as can be. When they leave, I move on. Feeling a bit foolish, perhaps, but I move on.

So...last night while I was debating whether to write about this or not, I heard the whisper from Asgard, which was a bit of a shocker since I've never really considered the Norse gods at all. Okay it wasn't a whisper. More like a battle cry.

I mulled it over and thought it was worth a shot, if they want to come and set up housekeeping for a while. Until....

Zach came in last night and expressed to me how unhappy he is with his agnosticism. He wants to believe in something and the Norse gods really appealed to him in many ways, especially as their culture includes dragons. Nothing surprises me anymore so I wasn't shocked, didn't shout and claim any kind of miracle. I just had one thought in my head: would you convert for someone you loved?

I will admit I have missed having someone to share a spiritual path with, someone to share ritual, prayer and such so we did some research today, found what we were looking for and invited them in. Sure, there are issues with the recons. I don't think any path is free from them. And since we plan on including the Vanir in our worship, we don't want to call ourselves Asatru so ours might be a bit of this and that. Norse Pagan comes close to what we intend.

I kind of wonder if they gods are all showing me what's out there on a rotating basis so I don't get stuck on the wrong path for another 50 years. Or maybe I'm the one to blame. I don't know but I'm not going to worry about it. I just know that one day I was devoted to the Greeks and the next day they were gone and my heart was empty of them. No remorse, no anguish. Just as if a friend had stayed long enough and moved on.

But I do know that yes, I would convert for someone I loved if it didn't mean betraying a principle I believed in. The bonus is, I don't feel like I'm giving anything up. I feel like I'm gaining.

BB

Proudly Pagan

2012-02-13T16:35:00.002-06:00

It's really discouraging to keep running into people that I left Christianity to get away from. Not the main reason I left but I hoped it would be a bonus. Except they are popping up in the Hellenic polytheist groups. And I'm not even talking about just the odd person.

I had left the recon forums because I got tired of reading about how everyone else was doing it wrong and how the gods were offended by dirty hands and unbrushed hair. And how evil Wicca was because they dared to call upon some of the Greek gods. And how offensive magic was to the gods.

So I chanced upon a Hellenic polytheist group that was supposed to be inclusive. Except the recons hang out there, too. In numbers.

So the latest flame war was Don't Call Me A Pagan because it's an insult and we can't trust Christian definitions because they are evil also. And there were the hyperbolic comments about how pagani meant illiterate and therefore it was an insult to Hellenic polytheists because they weren't illiterate. Then some jumped in to point out that Pagans were those tree and nature worshipers and the gods knew they didn't worship trees or nature. Totally wrong about Wicca and Druidry but what else is new.

Not to mention the recons tend to be a bit on the conservative side of things, which I can't for the life of me figure out, but there it is. I haven't gotten my courage up to post there after I had my ass handed to me for saying it was insulting to be called a coward because I didn't want my Hellenic poly posts to show up on my facebook page.

Bottom line is I don't want to be identified with them so I will no longer use the term Hellenic in my tags or in my own identification of my path. And you know what? The gods are okay with that because they have informed me that they existed beyond the boundaries of Greece and Rome and were worshiped in many different places. And some have said I might recognize them under different names in Druidry although they're fine with me worshiping them under their Greek names.

And history bears that out.

I'm just getting sick and tired of the ownership bullshit that goes on within any religion. I know who my gods are now. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I have a connection with them. But I haven't had a lot of luck finding the right way to honor them because I felt torn between two worlds. But if the Hellenic world wants to act like a bunch of assholes, then I throw my lot in with the Nature religions. Druidry it is.

This same kind of argument exists within Christianity by groups that feel the name was intended as an insult originally and don't want to be called by it. Then you have the ones who think they are the real followers of the Jewish Messiah and don't want to be called by that name because they are doing it right and everyone else is doing it wrong. There is absolutely nothing new going on here. It's all about people who want ownership of the religion and don't want to play nicely with others.

So I'm going to play in the Nature playground because it has fewer fundies in it. So from now on, I'll no longer include Hellenic in my tags or my labels.

I'm sure I heard Hermes laughing

2012-02-10T19:43:00.001-06:00

I worked at Hermes's and Zeus's altar today. I neglect it too often in terms of working there, but I often touch the eagle or rooster picture as I pass, letting them know I do think of them often. But today I needed to appeal to Hermes on matters of finances. I need to do better at making the money last. I didn't ask for miraculous intervention or for a crapmillion to drop into our laps. It's not how I work. I asked that I do better.

The incense was a bit moist and kept going out. I knew I shouldn't leave it out all the time. It absorbed the moisture in the air (which in winter seems a bit odd, but there you go) and wouldn't stay lit. But it was frankincense, which isn't great at staying lit anyway. Especially the cones although this was a stick. First off, I lit the candle, prayed and gave my intentions. Then I lit the incense and went to stick it into the ash burner only to discover there was no hole to put it in. They drilled the hole on the wrong side and it didn't go all the way through.

Now, I could hear Hermes laughing throughout all this but I wasn't amused at all. So I took the ash burner off my main altar and set the incense in there. Then I remembered that I had forgotten to wave the smoke around myself and the altar so I lifted it out only to discover it had gone out.

So...I lit it again, waved the smoke around, declared the space purified and then went to put it back in the ash burner. It had gone out again. Cursing this time, I re-lit it, stuck it in the ash burner, offered up my intentions through gritted teeth and then went to eat my breakfast.

It's a good thing Hermes has a sense of humor because he didn't seem the least bit upset with me and after breakfast and a libation of coffee to Hestia, I went back to the altar, offered up another, less gritty prayer asking for help and re-lit the incense because it had gone out again.

Finally, after several tries, I got the incense to stay lit...just as we were walking out the door to drive through wind-driven snow to the dr's office for Zach's labs. So the incense burned nicely while we were gone. I'd like to think that Hermes was busy helping us drive through the snow safely and finally stopped blowing the incense out.

However that happened, I really need to attend their altar more often. I pray to all of them on my main altar at least weekly but Hermes is on the piano because it's line of sight with the front door and I see it when I enter and when I leave. Same with Zeus, who I consider the god of the threshold. At least here he is. And I don't pay them specific attention like I should. Not beating myself up over it...just sayin'. 'Cause it's not about having to...it's about how much I enjoy it and how I should do it more often.

I read some interesting things about Persephone lately, although I'm not sure of the sources yet. But she is often identified with Hecate, which is really exciting because I often think of them as friends closer than sisters in the Underworld. And my raven pentacle would identify both of them. Am I nuts for not wanting Persephone to leave the Underworld? Not that I don't want Spring to arrive...I just think of her more as the Goddess of the Underworld and not a Spring maiden at all.

Although after that snow today I might jump on Demeter's side and start decorating Persephone's room.

I haven't done any studying in Druidry yet because I just haven't had the desire. There are aspects of Druidry that I really do like but I think more and more, Greek is all I want. It's what I read about, what I study and what I meditate on (when I don't fall asleep) so I think that's what my focus should be. Fortunately for me, the Greeks were more drawn to the lunar calendars than the seasonal ones. And the dark moon is one monthly ritual that the modern Hellenic polytheists celebrate most often.

And I am a dark moon kind of gal.

So I think I'm going to start on the book Hippy Jersey Devil recommended. It's on my headboard just waiting for my brain to clear enough to read it. And that might just be tonight.

BB

Shopping...the best medication for depression

2012-02-09T17:38:00.001-06:00

If only it would last.

Magic will have to wait a week or so until I get my brain and soul back in sync. Depression really sucks.

But shopping doesn't.

I went to the thrift store yesterday and came home with two little Grecian-type vases. Very small, but nice for my altars. The smaller one has a picture of two women facing an altar so that has replaced the spinning wheel tchotchke I used to represent the household goddess. It looks much better and feels much more like Hestia.

The bigger one is on my main altar. It has some Cupid like creatures and a Grecian woman on it. Since I don't have anything for Hera just yet on my altar, and since it really does make me think of her when I see it, I will finally have a representation of her. I'm using the Chrysanthemum stone for Persephone but I would love a statue or something. I did see a statue of a woman with flowing dark hair and a black dress on but the facial expression was a bit stupid looking. Plus it would have taken up significant space on the altar.

And it was in with all the angels and Christian stuff, too. How odd.

I like to find little things that I can use for worship and ritual practices. The hunt is as much fun as the kill. So to speak.

I'm calling early night tonight. When I wake up again...and I will wake up again...I'll do some ritual, consecrating my new vases and the fresh water I've put on there for purification. But until then, I'm taking a nap.

BB

Time to tackle magic

2012-02-07T20:30:00.000-06:00

There is a beautiful moon out tonight, full of energy and spirituality. I will take advantage of it in a bit, after I get my room organized. It's hard to do in a small space when you have more furniture than actually fits in there, but I'm giving it a go.

I was telling Zach tonight on the way home from errands that I've been experiencing that wave of energy I have only felt at the altar before, only now I experience it off and on throughout the day. In some ways it's a bit frightening; in other ways it feels great. Which is why it's a bit frightening. I have had this thought before that I ran the risk of getting addicted to the feeling rather than connecting closer to the deity. It's ever on my mind whenever I experience this rush of energy that sends chills throughout my body.

So I think it's time to learn how to harness that energy, to learn how to direct it where it needs to go instead of inhabiting my body at odd times throughout the day and night. The gods must be telling me I'm ready to do magic.

I also had some thoughts this week regarding the "love bomb" I got from people I didn't know. I really do appreciate what my niece did for me. She's one of the absolute best people I know, but coming from an evangelical/fundamentalist world, I'm a bit put off by declarations of love from complete strangers. See, there exists in that world something called "edifying the Body." The "Body" being the church (body of Christ) and all who dwell therein. It's something they do to build people up in their faith. The other thing they do is tear people down in their faith but that's a whole 'nother blog post.

In edifying the Body, they tell people things they think they want or need to hear. Like you compliment someone's singing even if it took the paint off your nails and caused your 'do to droop. You tell them how much you were uplifted by their singing. You also tell people you don't know how much you love them because you can see Jesus in them. A lot of those comments on my blog were of that nature. I love you because of Jesus. or I love you because Jesus does. Or I can see Jesus in you.

But lying for Jesus has some seriously bad side effects. People really do know you're lying. And now they can't believe anything you say. I was just as guilty of this as anyone else; I told people what thought would build them up even though I knew it was a sack of horse shit. A large, smelly sack of grade-A horse shit. People can tell when a compliment is over the top because it never sounds genuine.

I swear I would rather be insulted than endure an insincere compliment. At least the insult is genuine.

So what happens to people when they hear all this bullshit about how wonderful they are or how beautiful their voices are or what a godly wife they must be (because they don't know how you've struggled day and night with not only doubt but that feeling that because your husband doesn't go to church you're not really a part of it all because aside from the compliments they don't really invite you to stuff that "families" are invited to.) You get a bit jaded from all the gushing and lose sight of what really matters...you. It doesn't build you up at all. It tears you down because you know they're lying to you because they think you're so pathetic you need those lies in order to have a good day.

So...yeah, I'm one of the bitter ones. I heard all the compliments, endured all the lies about how wonderful I was as a Christian (they never build you up for being a person...just your identity as a Christian) when I knew they didn't mean it. Because it just wasn't true.

So, when I had over 80 comments telling me what a wonderful person I was and how upbeat and positive I was, from people who didn't know me, had never heard of me before and had only read one fucking blog post, it was incredibly depressing. Gods know my niece never intended that to be the result but it was. And this is one of the reasons I'm in this deep funk right now. Something I would never acknowledge on my other blog. In fact, I've resisted writing this for a while for the hits on that particular post to die off.

Now, this isn't to say that I don't like to hear from people who know me, who want to tell me something they like about me. Who doesn't? Comments on this blog feel genuine because they're based on who I really am. Not who I'm supposed to be. When you guys give me feedback, it feels honest, even if I don't think that highly of myself. It still feels genuine and not some kind of plastic bullshit that is supposed to miraculously make me feel better.

I'll get over this but every encounter I have had lately with Christianity has done nothing to make me feel anything but positive about my decision to leave it behind. I know that Paganism in all its manifestations is far from perfect, and I've seen, especially lately, some of the bitter in-fighting that happens, but Paganism doesn't dictate the division like Christianity does. But your mileage may vary.

BB

A newish altar for Hestia

2012-02-05T11:18:00.000-06:00

I didn't get any reading done this weekend aside from a few chapters in A Clockwork Orange. My mind isn't in a calm place right now for a variety of reasons. None of which are serious. I just can't concentrate very well right now.

I did some changing on Hestia's altar (or shrine, depending on who defines what it is.) I had a marble mortar and pestle there, a couple of small candles, a whisk broom, and my spinning wheel figurine. As I like to use incense in the morning, I've just been using the small, round metal thingy that comes with the cone incense, but when I tried to remove it, the ash would fall all over my cloth, making a mess. Plus, as I was setting it on top of my soy candle with the wooden lid, it scorched it. So when I was out and about yesterday I found a kit for "spirituality" with several items in it that I thought I could use. One item was a small white bowl that I thought would be perfect for incense. Another was a small wooden ash catcher and small incense sticks to go with it (where I'm supposed to find replacements for the short incense sticks is beyond me) along with some scented beads that Zach took and more cone incense.

So I set about changing things out today. Putting artificial flowers in a vase, taking the mortar and pestle down and putting my spinning wheel on top of the soy candle. I think it was a good decision as it seems more representative of both Hestia and me. I will most likely put down a new cloth as this one has spilled ash on it and I think I'll go with a red washcloth instead of the white one. It's a small shelf and a washcloth is about the right size. I'll buy a new one instead of using my worn ones though. It really needs painting there but once I start I'd have to do the whole kitchen. Which I would do if I had the energy. The pain in there is probably 30 years old. I'll try to get a picture of it after I get the cloth to put down. Just don't pay any attention to the wall behind it. It needs painting.

The quiet time I had intended turned out to be much quieter and much longer than I anticipated. I fell asleep immediately before I even lit the candles (which was a good thing). I had my battery-operated candle going and had turned the lights off to just sit and focus and decide just what I was going to do. Next thing I knew it was 3 a.m. and the dog wanted out. It was most likely a gift from the gods, to be honest.

I still haven't gotten the house cleaned but I think I'll wait until Monday since Tom will be home soon (I think) and it will just get messed up again. It's not filthy. Just cluttered. But I have found the kitchen so what more do I need?

I hope my brain settles down soon. I really have a lot to read.

BB

I will be reading this weekend...a lot

2012-02-03T21:59:00.000-06:00

Oh, frabjous day! I got Rituals of the Dark Moon today. I haven't read it yet, just skimmed a bit but I will sit me down with it this weekend and devour it! It really looks like something I would use a lot. And in conjunction with the monthly studies on the Full Moon from The Druid Network, this should round me out nicely. Thanks so much to Hippy Jersey Devil for recommending it. I've also got to make more progress on Triumph of the Moon and A Clockwork Orange.

I refilled the bird feeders today. They were completely empty, including the suet container. I know the bird have other feeders in the area...two doors down in fact, but I did kind of, sort of promise them food because I've kept it full the past couple of years. I should do better. As soon as I came in and sat down they were swarming the feeders. Made me feel a bit better.

The other day I started getting all kinds of hit on my mundane blog, over 450 to be exact. And the comments were in the 80s. I couldn't figure out what happened until I followed a link and discovered that my lovely niece had nominated me for a "love bombing." Unfortunately the post they chose to bomb was the one with the title "My husband left me." I think more than a few thought I was getting a divorce so it was extremely embarrassing. I was talking about Tom leaving for his ice-fishing trip but only looking at the title, it does seem a bit..um...dire.

At any rate, I was "bombed" with all kinds of messages of support, which on one level was good. On another it was embarrassing. I'm not good with compliments at all. There were more than a few "Jesus loves you" posts which I just took in stride. As long as no one tried to convert me, I was okay with it.

Because I'm much happier spiritually now than I ever was as a Christian. And I'm not going back.

But my spiritual bubble is a disaster right now because of all the chaos around me. The house desperately needs cleaning. Whenever Tom leaves on his trips, the house goes to crap on the day he leaves because I can't do anything until he's out of the way. Tiny house, right? And I was really tired both Wednesday and especially Thursday, after Zach's dr appointment. I was going to clean this morning and got a load of clothes in the wash but had absolutely no energy for follow through. But until it's clean, I can't feel good spiritually. For me, chaos breeds chaos.

So first thing tomorrow morning I'm going to tackle the house. I don't have to go anywhere and I've got the menu planned for the rest of the weekend so we're not going to run to a restaurant (even if it is on the Weight Watcher's plan) but I can't cook until I can find the kitchen. I will go sleuthing tomorrow morning. I even have an Indiana Jones hat I can wear while doing it.

But tonight, my bedroom is clean enough I can have some quiet time with the gods, try to focus my brain enough that I can do some divination since I haven't done that in a while, and some good candle time. I'm changing to stick incense on my main altar because it burns better and waving it around my altar to purify it is a lot easier than using a cone. I have been known to drop the cone and had to scramble to find it before I burned a hole in the carpet.

I bet that doesn't happen often in a church service. :)

I really love being a Pagan.

Happy Imbolc or Candlemas to the Northern Hemisphere; Happy Lughnasadh or Lammas Day to the Southern Hemisphere

2012-02-02T20:06:00.000-06:00

I got the book on Candlemas from the library tonight but as I hadn't planned on celebrating, it's not a big thing. I'm always glad to do some reading on the festivals anyway. I wish I had more opportunities to read about the Greek festivals and such. Without paying a lot of money for it. I appreciate the effort it takes to amass all that information and write it down, but I'm broke and have to rely on things I can find online or at the library. Aside from my every other month book allowance I give myself.

Now I have three books going: Triumph of the Moon, which is finally progressing in spite of the microscopic print, A Clockwork Orange, which is a slender volume with print I can read without a magnifying glass and Candlemas.

Today was a pretty busy day with the dr visit and shopping. We had planned to dine out tonight but in a higher class establishment than we usually patronize. Okay it was Appleby's. Still, that's fancy for us. Since we start on Weight Watcher's tomorrow (as a result of Zach's labs) we discovered that will not be a place we can visit in the future as there is nothing on the menu with the WW symbol or their apple symbol that Zach will eat. He cannot stomach potatoes unless they're hash browns or french fries. And he can't have the french fries anymore so...we don't plan on eating out much at all in the future. Which is really for the best anyway since we won't be able to afford it now that I have to buy all this whole grain and lean meat stuff.

But now that we're home, I'm winding down and plan on having some quiet time at my altar, calling upon Apollo for some spiritual counseling and divination and Aesclepius for some healing directed toward both of us. All the stress from today has initiated a flare up of my fibromyalgia. My shoulders, which normally don't give me grief, are using language that would get them kicked out of the library, for sure. And my hip are vying for attention as well. My knees, which usually do double duty since I have arthritis in them are most likely waiting for the dead of night to come out and play.

I think Pan is hiding from me after that advice to get out more. But just to be safe, I think I'll offer up some wine and barley to him this weekend during Anthestria...damned if I know how to spell it without looking it up. It's typically a Dionysian festival, but if I know Pan, he'll be there. Wine, ancestors and song, after all.

In spite of all the absolute crap going on in my material world, I feel really good about my spiritual life. And somehow that makes the crap bearable. Well, that and the obvious point that I have to endure it because the alternative sucks. It helps to know that I'm not alone and that I am loved, something I never really felt as a Christian. It also helps to know that I have friends out there who care as well. That's another thing I'm not used to...people being genuine.

So, I hope those who are celebrating the festival of their season are having a good time. Me, I'm going to light some candles, have some quiet time and probably fall asleep when my head hits the pillow. Don't worry, I'll blow out the candles first.

BB

Remnants of what would have been a good post if I could have remembered what I was going to say

2012-02-01T19:56:00.001-06:00

I had all kinds of things I was going to write about today until I pulled up this page. Now my mind is blank. Completely blank.

I'll just have to wing it.

I'm not going to celebrate Imbolc or Candlemas this year. I just can't get myself to want to. However, there are some Greek festivals coming up that do appeal to me. I need to study more about them but one is called Anthesteria. It celebrates flowers, spring and the dead. I'll write more about that when it comes up, which is this Saturday through Monday. I did study up on Imbolc and tried to come up with enthusiasm about it but it just didn't happen. Maybe I'm not as far from Hellenic practices as I thought. I'm still not reconstructionist though. At least I'm not now. I won't discount anything about the future.

I'm curious what will happen to my relationship with Persephone when she leaves the Underworld and spends time up here with the living. I'm not worried about it; just curious. I've been wanting something to wear that makes me feel my connection with her and have been thinking about maybe a black stone or something simple. I found a black pendant with a black key decorated with red jewels (fake, of course) and that really does make me think of Persephone so I bought it and hope to make the chain to go with it tomorrow.

I also bought some non-alcoholic wine for ritual. It's not that I'm adverse to the leaded stuff, but you can buy unleaded in the stores. And I didn't want to make a special trip to the liquor store. I might when this runs out though. Plus, because of my medication, I can't drink alcohol but I can drink this. In moderation because it has sugar in it, of course. A sip or two won't hurt me though. Neither will a sip or two of wine but it will probably go bad before it got all used up. Zach's not a fan of alcoholic drinks and Tom doesn't drink at all.

The past couple of nights I haven't done any ritual or prayer, nor did I feel bad about it. I was tired and the gods knew just how tired I was. There is a thing with reconstructionists about miasma, not approaching the gods when you're soiled or ill or not clean in some way. I don't subscribe to that but dealing with all that energy flow when mine is sapped didn't make a lot of sense to me so I abstained. And merely offered the gods a bit of love from a distance. My bed, that is.

Today, however, even though I'm still tired, I'm eager to get back to it. I miss it when I'm unable to attend the gods and my altar. And I miss my studies, which have gone by the wayside because of the fatigue. Hopefully with Tom gone ice fishing I'll have few distractions this weekend and will be able to restore, renew and revive.

Oh, and for anyone who read my mundane blog yesterday, you know that I had to walk across town to pick up the truck from the garage. It was an hour's walk which, with my dodgy hip and the hilly terrain, was extremely painful. Pan had been whispering in my ear to get outdoors more. I just want to say to him...I am not amused. :)

BB

Grieving ritual

2012-01-29T17:38:00.001-06:00

I found a few prayers for those passing from this realm into the next one in my Book of Pagan Prayers and started out my ritual last night with those, after lighting the candles for the gods above and below. And after lighting the incense and waving it around myself and the altar.

Then, without a lot of forethought, I picked up the chrysanthemum stone, which I use to represent Persephone on my altar, and held it to my cheek while I prayed, "Persephone, Goddess of the Underworld, whisper in Hades' ear that David was only 24 years old and never got the chance to have a wife and family. Whisper in Hades' ear that David was kind to my son, an Eagle Scout and cheery fellow." I think I asked her to whisper more things but those are the only ones I can remember. The response I received was nearly palpable. I felt a charge of energy that absolutely permeated my body, making it tingle and all the hairs on my arms stand on end.

But most of all, I felt so at peace afterward, so comforted. Hades gets a bad rep, mostly because we, as humans, tend to fear death and the deities responsible for the dead. But also a huge chunk of misrepresentation belongs to the Christian fathers and early writers who associated Hades with hell and Satan. Just as they did Pan. While I'm not eager to cross the river Styx anytime soon, I'm not afraid of Hades anymore. I think the mythologies deal most with the fears people had about themselves than real stories of the gods. I don't see Hades as a rapist, or an evil being who is in charge of sending souls to damnation. Not at all. Mostly I see him as a neutral figure, doing the job required of him in a dispassionate way. I think Persephone is his partner, the balance to his neutrality by offering up the earthy, animated aspects of human beings.

Wishful thinking? Imagination? Perhaps. But when I approach my altar to pray, I can only go by the response I feel, knowing that it's purely subjective. I could be wrong, of course. But what harm does it do to believe in the deities as they respond to me?

I also acknowledged Hermes, since he is the one who carries the souls to the Underworld. It must be a very hard thing to bring those freshly separated from their bodies, probably full of confusion and questions. Particularly those who had different ideas about the afterlife. Or perhaps he appears to each one as the deity they expect to see when they cross that river.

Not saying my view of this is either the right one or the only one. Not at all. But these are the gods I pray to and these are the ones who have comforted me when I grieved. So these are the ones I envision taking care of the tasks of ferrying and caring for the dead.

At any rate, it was a wonderful experience and helped me sort out a lot of my anger and grief over war and the deaths of too many young people over a war that we had no business starting. But then, those who start most of the wars never actually participate in them. Do they? No, they send other people's children to die for their oil or religion or revenge.

I will remember the ritual and write it down in my notebook for a future time. It was absolutely what I needed last night.

BB

Saturday night, nothing special

2012-01-28T17:55:00.000-06:00

I ordered the book Rituals of the Dark Moon on the recommendation of Hippy Jersey Devil and I'm really anxious to get it. It should be here in a week or so.

I really need to get busy studying all the books I've got set out and start defining the rituals I want to incorporate into my worship. I'm a lover of ritual, one of those people who are drawn to it magnetically. It's just finding the ones you can use as a solitary practitioner don't always line up with my spiritual mindset. I've got to learn to adapt them to my needs and I think I've grown enough to do that now.

I worked on my room yesterday, added my corn maiden to the altar but she's not sitting well. Seems wrong somehow. So she's going back into the armoir for now. Maybe I'll add her back at the first harvest. Still wondering what to do for Imbolc, if anything. Pan has been whispering in my ear again, telling me to spend more time outdoors. And not time between the car and the store. Time in Nature again. It may be that I should look at Imbolc as the promise of spring and appeal to Pan, since he's the one nudging me right now. It really falls into place for me with him as the focus. Not so much trying to fit Hestia in or invoking Brighid, whom I don't have a connection with anymore. If I ever did.

I've been pushing myself to speak up more in the facebook Pagan groups I'm a member of. I get nervous about it but I'm making some friends in the Madison group and since I might be able to meet up with them, it's a bit exciting. Especially since one of them is from Feral Druidry, a blog I've been reading off and on for a while. Not all are Wiccan, which is what I thought at first when we were an email group. There are many different spiritual disciplines and they have been so helpful to me on my journey to find out what my path is. One girl, from Witchy Rambles, is moving near Madison soon and she recommended a book called Candlemas that is in the library system. I have it on hold and might find some rituals that work for me for Imbolc. I can't explain how hard it is for me to jump into a group of unknown people and expose myself, no matter how kind they have seemed. I'm such a recluse. But...if Zach doesn't have D&D the next time there is a meetup, we're going.

But for now, I'm enjoying forging friendships online even if I'm doing a terrible job of it. I just lost the know-how after being a recluse for so many years.

Sad news...a young man from our former fundie church was killed in Afghanistan on Wednesday. He was one of the good guys, always nice to Zach, although they weren't friends really. We saw him in the school's production of Beauty and the Beast and although he had a minor role, he was brilliant in it. I'll be lighting a candle for him tonight and offering up the incense to Hermes, who carried his soul to the underworld and Hades, who judged him. And whisper to Persephone to speak on his behalf. Zach says he has no clear memories of him but he has blanked out a lot of what went on there. Still, I liked David and his parents although I'm sure they would be horrified if they knew that I invoked Pagan gods on behalf of their son. I guess I just won't tell them.

Early to bed tonight. I just need some down time to rest and restore myself.

BB

Time to clear, clean and cleanse

2012-01-26T17:30:00.001-06:00

Zeus moved to another altar last night. No, not on his own. But wouldn't that have been wild? No, I just had this feeling that he wasn't happy where he was so I moved him to my "threshold" altar where Hermes resides. Not literally, of course. But it's the first thing you see when you walk in the door so I can see why Zeus would be happier there. I'm knitting a new altar cloth for them because the original one was too small and the bandana I put down is too big. I'm just knitting a rectangle in a linen stitch, which reminds me so much of woven cloth, which fits in nicely with a Greek/druid altar.

I have read, though, that altars are places where you do "work" and everything else is a shrine. But as I work everywhere, they are altars to me.

Still wondering what to do about Imbolc. I've read that Hestia can be substituted for Brighid on Imbolc, but I can't say that I feel right about that. Hestia isn't a Greek version of Brighid. They are their own goddesses with different characteristics and responsibilities. I also read that Imbolc was also called Lupercus but I can't find anything to corroborate that. February 15 is Lupercalia, which remembers the founding of Rome, but can't find a festival called Lupercus anywhere. Still, neither of those things represent where I am and what I want to achieve. I'm pretty sure the ewes aren't birthing this time of year in our neck of the woods, but it's possible, I suppose.

It's a bit of a struggle for me, forging this path, trying to merge the worship of Greek gods with the philosophy of Druidry as most of the festivals in Druidry are geared toward the Celtic/Welsh/Irish/Scots/whatever gods. Not everything can cross over. Nor should it. I don't feel locked into the Wheel as much as I thought I would be. And there are some Greek observances that I do like. I love Hecate's Deipnon, which is the dark of the moon, a time of cleansing of the house and settling up of your bills (not like that's going to happen anytime soon, but what the heck). Cleaning out the fridge of old foods, getting rid of clutter and stuff you're not ever going to use so why not throw it out or recycle it, smudging, getting that flow of energy back the way it should be. Cleansing the house of negativity. I do love that even if I've only managed to accomplish it once.

There are other things, too, but I haven't managed to do anything with them yet. Family meals with the gods as guests of honor, hospitality, things of that nature. Not so much in ritual form, although you could. More of a labor of love.

But...baby steps. I get in all kinds of trouble when I try to throw myself into something with all my being. I burn out hot and quickly. I need that slow, steady flame. Hard to change half a century of bad habits though.

So tonight after laundry and supper, I'm going to clean my room because it's gotten cluttered. I missed Hecate's Deipnon but it's still not too late to do the cleaning, clearing and cleansing. Never too late for that. And I always do better when everything is tidy as opposed to chaotic.

And prayer. My prayers have been short and...short lately because of the fatigue, which I sometimes think is linked to the disorder in my house. If I can at least get the area around my main altar in order, maybe I can put that found energy toward the rest of the house and build on that.

One can hope, after all.

BB

Maybe if I re-read it enough I'll finally understand it

2012-01-25T19:39:00.000-06:00

I'm running low on my black candles and don't want to buy more because I'd either have to order them off the internet or wait until Halloween with the stores have orange and black candles available. Only thing is the black candles smell like licorice and I absolutely hate the smell and taste of licorice. So I went with a deep, deep, dark red that I found at StuffMart. I think that represents the chthonic gods as well as black does. I still have about a month's worth of black candles left though. Or more if I don't keep them lit as much, but I love those chthonic gods so I tend to let their candles burn a lot.

I'm re-reading Triumph of the Moon. Well, I say re-reading but I mean, re-reading the parts I already read last time I had it out from the library. The print is small and not terribly conversational and I have mush for brain cells, thanks to the fibromyalgia, so in a way it's like reading it for the first time. I only got two chapters in before I had to let it go back. I've just finished the first chapter again so I'm a bit ahead of the game since it took me 2 weeks to read it last time.

I still have an intellectual crush on Professor Hutton and could sit and listen to him lecture for hours on end. I've got a few of his lectures from the Druidcast on my mp3 player. I've only listened to two of them and have a couple more to listen to. I found it very interesting reading about how the Greek gods never really left the picture. I think later he talks about the regional gods of Britain but the evolution of "paganism" (small p) was interesting to read about.

I'm really exhausted today after two days of errands, including a trip up to Fond du Lac for my semi-annually appointment with the rheumatologist. A must if I want to keep taking my pain pills. But I am beat and plan on setting up my ottoman in front of the altar, lighting the candles and doing some praying and reading while I'm near the heart of my spiritual center. I find it rejuvenating.

Then, I'm crawling into bed and vegging out for the rest of the night with mindless watching of anything that doesn't require my complete attention. I need some "me" time once in a while, after all.

BB

With permission

2012-01-24T18:25:00.000-06:00

When my depression sinks to a certain level, there isn't even a smidgen of spirituality left in me. It's like it floats away, leaving me empty inside. Which is what depression feels like a lot...emptiness. So, I'm trying to ride it out and quit fighting the momentum. I skipped a day of prayer and attending my altar but last night I did light the candles and incense because they do help with my focus and sometimes that focus can help lift the depression, even if it's only a miniscule amount.

I had been reading too may Hellenic sites that were either recon or close to it. I am able to understand where they're coming from more now, but still disagree that this is the only way to honor and worship the Greek gods. A few of them made me so angry with their rigidity that I deleted them so I wouldn't be tempted to go back there and read more. One site didn't make me angry but I couldn't make heads or tails out of just what the hell they were talking about. I can be a deep thinker but they were digging toward the core of the earth. Way beyond what I want in my relationship with the gods.

I finally found the 2012 calendar from Hellenion giving all the various holy days and celebrations for the year but I just can't seem to get enthused about it. It's not that the ceremonies aren't beautiful. They are! But it's so not me. So I had a talk with the gods at the altar with my candles and incense lit and told them that I was sorry but I just couldn't worship them in that way. That my way was more the path of Nature, more eclectic with a lot of Druid overtones and that if they couldn't accept that, then I was sorry but I just couldn't do it the "Greek" way. I said I would understand if they decided to pack up their luggage and leave, but that my heart was with them, just not the way their followers worship them.

For quite a while I stood there feeling nothing at all, as if the gods were convening and taking it under advisement. Then, just when I was about to blow the candles out and go to bed, I felt that warm glow I always feel when I am connected with the gods. All is well. I'm not sure everyone is on board with this manner of worship but I know that the ones I honor the most are. So with permission I will follow the path I see laid out before me even if it seems a bit off to some out there.

Now that's not to say that I won't find myself performing a ritual derived from the groups that are recon or close to it. Or that I won't still pour a libation to Hestia every day. But I just can't be exclusively Hellenic. It just isn't where my path is taking me.

I'll figure out what to do with the various stops on the Wheel that are more Celtic in design and adapt them to the Greeks I worship. I don't think it will be a daunting task at all. I just have to keep in tune with what's going on with Nature and how the gods fit into that.

But now I need some sleep or I will fall over while lighting the candles tonight. Might be another night I skip ritual and sleep instead.

There are worse things to do, after all.

Mindless spirituality...or how to pray when your brain cells have left the building

2012-01-20T19:07:00.000-06:00

Sometimes you just don't need elaborate ritual to feel in that spiritual groove. Last night I was bone tired, brain dead and just eager to crawl into my bed. But I also wanted to acknowledge the gods because I enjoy it. So I just lit the candles and the incense and grabbed the chrysanthemum stone and held it to my forehead and just zoned out for a bit. I didn't pray or act out any kind of ritual but I still felt that connection between me and the gods. It's an instinctive thing, I think.

Normally I stand when I attend my altar but standing is painful for me so I would like to come up with an alternative. I like the idea of kneeling but as I would have to call for Zach in order to get up again, I don't think that's an option either. I'm thinking of just sliding the ottoman over to the altar and sitting on it while I pray or do ritual. I can reach everything at that height and getting up doesn't require a crane.

I haven't done much studying lately. Fatigue dulls my brain and lessens my concentration so it's futile to even try until my brain cells decide to join me while studying. They normally let me know when they're back from vacation but since I haven't heard from them yet, I'm guessing they're still at the beach. I do miss them when they're gone.

Hopefully I'll be back to normal soon. Zach and I are going to attempt some healthier options for eating and exercising and maybe that will lure those pesky brain cells back. It's worth a try anyway.

In the meantime, I'll just muddle through, reading the same sentences over and over again and letting the gods direct my worship for me.

BB

Getting to know them

2012-01-19T20:09:00.000-06:00

I downloaded some Druidcasts to my mp3 player today. I haven't listened in quite a while but as they help keep me motivated, I decided I should do that. I was also thinking about the nature of the gods lately although I really don't have any clear idea of who they are exactly. I can only go back to my experience with the Fertile Crescent god who demanded perfection from us while claiming he possessed it, yet seemed have a lot of do-overs himself.

But who are the gods? Are they the loving parent who nurtures us and always bestows lovingkindnesses upon us, sad when we don't always behave but never gives us time-outs? I don't have anything concrete to base my beliefs on except that feeling we are all entitled to.

I don't see the gods as all-good, perfect, or universally fair. I believe they grow up in much the same way we grow up. I don't see them as static deities who have always been perfect with no room to grow into anything better. I think they do make mistakes. I think they have favorites and that's one reason we don't all worship the same deities. I think they exist for themselves and not for us or our pleasure but our very existence fills them with either love, indifference or anger. I don't think all the gods like us.

I think there are gods of light and darkness or both. I don't think darkness means evil, though. I think it just means that there are elements that exist in that realm that aren't as happy, clappy as the other realm, but still contain as much satisfaction for those who thrive in the dark. Not all creatures live in the sunshine, after all.

I think we will never know the gods in this reality and can only go by intuition or even just plain guesswork. But I think the more we tune ourselves into the deities who have called us to them, the more likely we are to find a framework to build into knowledge.

I don't think of the gods as happy and fluffy toward us all the time. I think some do care very much and are willing to give a shoulder or even stand up for us against the crap we have to endure as humans. But I think they all have a side to them that you wouldn't want to encounter very often. I love that Hera knows and understand what I'm going through, but I also "know" that whining pisses her off. And I really wouldn't want to piss off Hera.

I'm still learning and probably always will and I'm sure I'll be fine-tuning these opinions or maybe even changing them altogether as I grow closer and closer to the deities who have called me to do their will. Or perhaps even find the gods coming and going in my life as my own spirituality changes and grows. Maybe in a year from now, I'll read this post and think it ridiculously naive. Who knows?

I may not know them very well, but I know myself enough to say with some certainty that should any deity ever tell me to worship him and him alone and if I didn't then he was going to punish me with pain for eternity, then I will kick that deity out of my life forever. Oh, wait...I already did that.

Stop me before I think again

2012-01-17T18:23:00.000-06:00

I got some reading in this morning before getting up and about with my chores. Mostly I just did a lot of organizing of all my journals and such. I tend to collect journals. Not really write in them. Just collect them. But I have a few I have written in and a few more I'd like to write in. So I sorted those out.

Then I looked at the notes I had taken over the years, trying to decide what to do with it all. I'm going to keep it because there is some useful information in there. And there's room to add more wise stuff whenever I find some. I have two three-ring binders. One has a year-long study of the moon from The Druid Network. The other contains notes about the Greek gods and various Greek festivals. Then, of course, I have all my books on Druidry and Greek mythology and such.

Which led me to do some contemplation, while watching the candles burn, about how we can know the gods. The Fertile Crescent religions all rely on scripture to tell them who their deities are, which in turn were written by people who supposedly got that knowledge from their god personally. Even in the Greek recon setup, they rely on writings that are thousands of years old to tell them how to worship their gods and who their gods really are.

Yet, my impressions about the Greek gods don't line up at all with the recons. How they desire to be honored or worshiped or who they are or whether hubris or miasma are barriers to worship or not. While I do appreciate those who have gone before, those who have known the gods longer than I have, I refuse to let them dictate to me who those gods are and what my relationship with them will be. I lived half a century being told who "God" was and how I had to behave in order for him to love me and take me to heaven with him when I died. By people who were interpreting texts that were ancient and in some cases, forgeries. So why should I rely on ancient writings to tell me how my relationship with the gods in modern times should work out? Or rather, why should I rely on someone in modern times telling me what ancient writings say about how I should be approaching the gods?

I don't want to be rebellious for the sake of being rebellious, but when I get an impression about the gods that comes from worship and ritual, then I'm going to believe that before I believe what someone else is telling me about them. When I feel a spark of energy so tangible that it takes my breath away, well...I'm going with that.

I've struggled for a while with what to do about mythology. My biggest obstacle in trying to remain Christian after losing my faith was the Bible. What to do with the mythologies in it. I had been raised to believe it was 100% true. That all the stories in there happened literally. Once that foundation fell away I couldn't transform those stories into mythologies that had symbolic value or that were allegorical. How could I know "God" without the Bible? If the stories weren't true, then how could I possibly know who "God" is? So I've had similar problems with Pagan mythologies. How do I know the god without their mythologies?

It's one of the reasons I had so many problems with Celtic mythologies as well. And a huge hurdle to me accepting the Celtic/Welsh/Irish/etc gods. Yet when I look at the Greek mythologies I tend to see them on two levels, co-existing quite harmoniously. On one level they are true stories to me. When I read them I can see Zeus, Hera, Hades, all the gods living on Olympus, having all the adventures they have. On another level, I know they're not true, but how the ancients found a way to explain and relate to the gods. I can't seem to do this with any other mythology so I'm pretty convinced that this is exactly the right path for me.

So when I deal with the gods, during prayer, during ritual, even invoking magic (which I haven't done much of yet) I don't see them as they are in their mythologies at all. I just see them as they exist in relation to me. I don't see Hera as the bitch-goddess who is always chasing down Zeus's paramours and turning them into animals or such. I see her as a wife, mother and woman who understands what it's like to be me. After yesterday, Hestia has ceased to be the aloof guardian of the hearth who keeps her distance. She's right there with me, struggling with normal household tasks that are turned into hurdles by my fibromyalgia. She sits beside me, knitting away with me, or spins while I spin. Whatever barrier that was there before has been torn down and she has become more real to me.

It's the same with other gods, too. Persephone has become one of my favorite goddesses. I don't see her as an unwilling resident of the Underworld, but as the consort of Hades, reaching out to those who appreciate that the dark isn't evil, but another aspect of the night. I've really come to love her.

I could go on but it's sappy enough as it is. Bottom line is, the gods are who they are. I can't imagine that they would welcome relationships yet leave their character a mystery to us. If they don't make that connection and leave us with impressions of who they are, then how is anyone to ever find out who they really are? Did they only reveal themselves to the ancients and then lock the rest of us out? I don't have answers. I only know that they don't reveal themselves to me as they exist in the myths. Nor do I get a sense from them that they only want worship as it existed thousands of years ago.

I think people who try to control religions want it to be the way they do it and they don't want anyone to do it differently because that implies they're doing it wrong. And that's very sad.

Trying to break out of that shell

2012-01-16T16:29:00.000-06:00

A different kind of Hestia answered today when I invoked the hearth goddess. Initially I thought it was Brighid, but now I think it's still Hestia, but as she really is and not as I have pictured her. I do tend to view her as pristine, virginal and aloof. The goddess who answered today was more down-to-earth and showed more tenderness and understanding about the difficulty in keeping house with limitations. It's the first time I've felt that kind of compassion from her. And it comes after a weekend when I had to work with extreme fatigue in preparing a house for company. Then, too, maybe my feeble attempts at hospitality spoke to her and we made a connection that way.

I know that the Greeks feel very strongly about hospitality. It's a big issue, making someone feel welcome and at home. This has been an internal struggle for me, a recluse and social misfit, trying to open up my home and my self to "invaders." It worked out very well, actually and while I could only do my best, and with Tom's schedule, do it mostly on my own, I do feel like I did a much better job than I have done in the past several years.

I even showed my altar to my sister-in-law, who while being an atheist, is very sympathetic to the spiritual journeys of people around her. Although I really was obnoxious about my journey through fundamentalist Christianity. We did talk about my reasons for leaving but not so much about where I was traveling now. She loved my crystals and stones and my Starry Night print. She has her own spiritual connection with Nature, even as an atheist, which I find very beautiful. We did some bridge-building this weekend and maybe in the future, if I can manage to leave home again, we'll do something together, as couples.

I was invited to an Imbolc festival at Circle Sanctuary with the Madison Area Pagans. It's an afternoon event so I might go. If Zach will go with me. I know nothing about group rituals but I am eager to learn. I haven't actually met with anyone from the group yet because I haven't made any meetups yet. Zach's D&D game was on Saturday night so we couldn't go. If I can get past the sheer terror of going someplace new I will definitely attend. Tom is encouraging me to go. He can't get off work or else he would take me there.

I am more comfortable with this dual path than I had thought I would be. Maybe it's not real Hellenic Polytheism, but I'm okay with that. I'm beginning to think of myself as more of a Hellenic Druid anyway. It's my path; I can call it what I want. :)

It's getting dark and I need to refill the bird feeders before I shut down for the night.

BB

Finally feeling winter's edge

2012-01-13T18:01:00.000-06:00

I crashed early last night so I didn't do any evening ritual or prayer but I don't feel bad about it. The gods know how tired I was and they know I think about them in the course of the day anyway. And if they were so dogmatic about rules and regulations concerning worship, then they wouldn't be the gods for me anyway. I had more than 50 years of that and that was 50 years too many.

But I did light a candle to Hermes today after getting home safe and sound. I hate driving the truck on snow but the roads were pretty clear by the time I got out and about. And I will have ritual tonight. Not to make up for anything. But because I enjoy honoring the gods and connecting with them.

Zach wanted some help in fixing up his inventory with things he wants to use to further his spiritual path. Which he is still fine-tuning so I won't say more about it. Except that his pull toward dragons is a huge part of it all. So we got him some stick incense since the cones seem to irritate his throat a lot but the sticks don't. I'm phasing out cones, too, because they don't burn completely. And my frankincense cones don't stay lit at all. I'm going to crush them all and burn them loosely and then never buy cone frankincense again. I gave him my potpourri pot to use for scented oils and things of that nature. It's bigger than my oil burner but lasts a lot longer. As long as 3 hours. My oil burner only lasts a couple of hours. With tea candles.

Now if he can just find a flat surface in his room. He's not the tidiest person I've ever known. But certainly not the messiest.

I need to spend more time outdoors in nature. Tomorrow I plan on refilling the bird feeders and maybe spending some time at my outdoor altar. Brief time. It's cold out there. I want to see if any animals have utilized the pomegranate.

StuffMart had seeds out already but it's too early to start seedlings. We can't really plant until late May so any seeds I would start now would be bearing fruit by the time I got them in the ground. Plus I don't have room on the rack I have in front of the only southern-exposure window in this house that is capable of utilizing a rack for seedlings.

But I do want to start getting the foliage cut back in preparation for Spring.

I'm also thinking of waiting to celebrate Imbolc until the weather is better suited for it. Normally February 2 is still very much winter here, with snow on the ground and below freezing temps. I'm actually thinking of celebrating the wheel by the seasons rather than the calendar. It really makes more sense to me.

But for now, I'm off for a hot shower, then laundry, supper and ritual before bedtime.

BB

She's back and she brought her luggage

2012-01-12T16:16:00.001-06:00

Ritual last night was interesting on many levels. For one thing, when I lit the candles and incense and invoked the gods, I discovered Artemis sitting sideways on her deer, acting as if nothing had happened. But she did let me know that the deer was hers and Pan could find another representation. Okay, not literally sitting on her deer, but that image was strong in my mind. So I prayed specifically to her and felt a connection we hadn't shared before. I have no idea why the flounce earlier but she is back and brought her luggage so I assume she's here to stay.

I don't feel right invoking Artemis without praying also to Apollo, and since I was going to be practicing divination, I offered up prayer to him prior to opening my tarot deck. The deck was behaving very strangely in my hands. Normally I don't have any trouble shuffling them in spite of their size (Rider-Waite) but the deck kept exploding in my hands, cards flying everywhere. Finally I put them away for a bit, focused on the candles and incense, and just concentrated on both Apollo and the cards themselves. Finally I was able to set out the three cards. My spread is just 3, representing past, present and future. The past card was the Knight of Swords, which I felt was talking about me conquering the indecision about which gods and which path. It really had been weighing on me even if I didn't articulate it.

The second card, the one of the present, was the Ace of Cups, which really did feel right because of the satisfaction and peace I have felt ever since accepting the dual path I'm taking. Future was the Knight of Pentacles, which I intuited to mean that I would be required to demonstrate responsibility on this path, focusing on spirituality, frugality and nature, things I have been neglecting of late.

This was actually my second spread. The first one was completely dark and felt wrong for some reason. Which is why I put the cards down and focused on hearing what Apollo or the gods had to tell me. Also, when I've been away from my cards for a while, they tend to throw tantrums when I pick them up again. So after the second spread, which felt right but also felt a bit incomplete. Then I found several tarot cards had fallen off my tray and were in the bed covers. So I'm not sure if the reading was accurate or not. I won't try again for a few days since I never get very good readings if I do them too soon after a reading.

I got out my Druid Animal Oracle cards, which really did seem to be right on. The first card represents the guiding idea, cause, impulse or motive behind a situation or event. The first card was the Eagle. According to the cards, the Eagle helps with decisions and allows me to detach from my worries and keep my focus on the spiritual. I'm to look to the Eagle whenever I feel stress encroaching on my spiritual life. On the Greek level, the Eagle represents Zeus, who I also kept running into last night. As Zeus is the king of the gods, this seems to confirm that my path lies with the Greeks.

The second card represents its effect on the emotional, social or relationship level. The second card was the Bull, which represents the Druid version of Jupiter (Zeus). The Bull helps guide me in matters of money and focus on financial responsibilities, which corresponds with the tarot card I pulled.

The third card represents its effect on the physical level of manifestation--in the body or in the concrete, tangible world. The Stag (Artemis?) brings strength when I am vulnerable. Asking for protection from the Stag will bring calmness, strength, dignity and represents beginnings. Perhaps the beginning of merging my Greek and Druid paths?

I'm not sure I'm reading these cards right but I'm trying. I've put the animal oracle cards on my altar to ponder and meditate on during evening ritual. Perhaps more intuition will come to me then.

But I couldn't sleep worth beans last night and it didn't occur to me until just now that I hadn't focused on releasing the energy I used reading the cards. This happens to me every time I do that. No sleep at all. As I said, I'm very new at this. I used to read them many years ago but I lost my confidence and intuition. Plus since I burned the cards because I was told they were evil, I suspect the tarot is holding me at arm's length until I have developed a better relationship with them.

Consistency is the key. In all of my spiritual choices, actually. But I'm getting there. I may stumble and get it wrong occasionally, but each time I do that I walk more confidently on my path.

BB

They're here to stay after all...minus one

2012-01-11T18:20:00.000-06:00

Another gorgeous, unseasonal day today with sunshine and temps at around 52F. But a winter storm watch goes into effect around midnight so the next few days will be spent at home, cozied up on my bed with a blanket on, reading and knitting.

During ritual last night, I called upon the gods and asked if they had a problem with combining Druidry and Greek polytheism and got an incredible warm glow for an answer. Seriously. Zach felt something in his room; that's how wild the energy was.

Well, Artemis was absent from the consensus, but Pan said he would take her place in my deer statuette.

And speaking of Zach...he's been going through a de-tox stage himself, trying to find his way and discovered that he misses the spirituality he had before. So he's back to studying and finding rituals that fulfill him. And dragons play a huge role in that as he has been in love with them since he was a toddler and feels that there is some kind of spiritual connection there. I told him to go for it.

It's good to know that the gods are content to stay. I would have missed them terribly if they left. Plus I do get tired of bouncing around all over the ethereal plain trying to find the gods who are interested in me enough to stay and put their feet up. I feel very much welcome with the Greeks.

I talked to my mother the other day on the phone and she spent over 20 minutes talking to me about her church. I know her well enough to know that this was her way of "evangelizing" because she's done it to my two older kids many a time. I don't know that someone has outed me to her, but she does know that we no longer attend church. A matter that I briefly mentioned and then never brought up again. So it could be just her way of trying to get me to go back to church. Although she wasn't happy with us in the Episcopal Church at all because they don't do it right, if you know what I mean. I tried very hard to sound interested in how their church is growing now that they got rid of their pastor (a frequent occasion at that church) or how my brother-in-law showed up for a friend's baptism and how she was so excited that maybe he'll start coming all the time now (I doubt it) and how much everyone loves my sister who is in charge of the music programs there.

But she's my mother and I love and respect her although I stay as far away from her as I can because in close proximity she takes it upon herself to criticize everything about me from my weight to the way I wear my hair and how I deal with Zach and what Tom should or should not be doing. Seriously...shoot me if I ever behave that way with my kids.

Distance makes the heart grow fonder, after all. Or is that absence. Nah...distance works better for me.

I don't have much of a relationship with my family much anymore. I rarely hear from my sisters and the obligatory phone calls are the only contact I have with my parents. And that suits me just fine. I don't know if there is something wrong with me or not, but if being myself is wrong, then I don't want to be right. :)

Off to bed, knitting, reading and ritual.

BB

Whispers, hawks and a flounce

2012-01-10T20:39:00.000-06:00

Today was a lovely day with sunshine and temps near 50F. I refilled the bird feeders and split the pomegranate and left it on my outdoor altar. With thanks to Persephone.

I tried to do a full moon ritual last night but I was pretty distracted and just couldn't really enjoy it. So I just lit the candles, took my spirit beads to bed with me and just watched the pretty fire. (I also watched Howl's Moving Castle and the witch keeps talking about the pretty fire in it so that's where my mind is right now.) I was unable to do any studying or anything because I lacked the ability to concentrate...part and parcel of the fibromyalgia, unfortunately. It's not all the time, but when I'm hurting or terribly fatigued, I just can't retain anything I read. Or watch.

I saw a hawk today while I was outside. Normally I have to go out of town to see them in the sky but we do live on the edge of town so it wasn't terribly unusual. Still, it felt like a sign that I am on the right path. I feel very good about returning to Druidry while keeping the Greek gods although if that changes, I'm okay with that, too. When invoking the hearth this morning, I thought I heard Brighid in the background. I hadn't called Hestia by name, but rather invoked the Goddess of Hearth and Home. I wonder if it's like dialing a number and whoever answers is the one you're speaking to.

Anyway, if the Celtic gods want to come for a visit, they're more than welcome. And if the Greeks decide to take a vacation, who's going to stop them, eh?

I wonder if maybe I should have taken a de-tox from all religion after leaving Christianity to give myself a cleansed palate, so to speak, before tasting what the other gods had to offer. Too late now to change that, but I'm not going to deal in absolutes anymore. Whatever happens, happens. But I'm keeping the blog title no matter what. LOL!

Pan has been whispering in my ear the past day or so. I think I'll change out my raven/pentacle for the Green Man pendant for a few days. He's the reason I really reconsidered and decided to give Druidry another chance. He's let me know that I'm no city girl and that Nature has my number and intends to call. Frequently. But for reasons that I can't fathom, Artemis has given me the cold shoulder and did a flounce after the full moon ritual last night. It was very unsettling but keeping her against her will isn't something I'd ever do so if she comes back, she does. If not, I wish her well but my journey continues with or without her. Maybe it was something I said or the ritual wasn't done well or maybe she's not crazy about me combining Druidry and Greek polytheism. Whatever the reason, I didn't lose any sleep over it. I'll be honest...I've never felt a strong connection with her anyway. I did try, thinking that she would be my connection to nature, but she was always a bit aloof. And I suppose she didn't like being invoked for a full moon ritual anyway. Next time, I'll call Selene.

My time of groveling before the gods is over. Doesn't mean I don't owe them respect and honor, but never again will I be a doormat for any deity. I don't set myself on the same level as the gods, but neither do I expect them to walk all over me.

Just sayin;'.

Pictures!

2012-01-09T17:31:00.001-06:00

As promised, some pictures of my altar. Just the main altar, not the hearth or Hermes's altar. I'm learning the camera so I'll try to get more pictures later.

I knitted the afghan I'm using for a cover. It's a Greek afghan pattern I found on Ravelry but I didn't have enough yarn to make a full size afghan so it fits perfectly on my yarn bin, which is under all that. The red thing on the left is the pomegranate I'm offering to Persephone. I have a close up of the altar coming up.

I have purified water in the back in a vase and my oil burner on the left, incense burner in the middle and my bell on the right. I am using the black candle for the cthonic gods, namely Hades, Persephone, Hecate. When that candle is gone, I'll probably just use another color as finding black candles is hard. I don't use a particular color for any of the other gods aside from Hestia. I use red for hers to symbolize the hearth-fire.

These figurines represent the gods: the eagle for Zeus...it's an old Avon container but the lid is missing so I'm using the jar part as a frankincense holder. The two owls represent Athena; the shell, Poseidon; the swan, Apollo; the deer, Artemis, and the snake, Asklepius. Hanging on the shelf is a set of spirit beads for meditating. I like to hold them when I pray or do any kind of ritual. They're made of jasper and hold some lovely energy. Behind the shelf is my print of van Gogh's Starry Night. I just feel a lot of energy coming from that beautiful work of art and it makes me think of the gods in the ethereal plain.

I had some other pictures above the altar, on the wall, but they didn't come out very well. It will take me a bit to learn how to do this camera thing better.

I don't really fit in with the other Hellenic polytheists, which doesn't bother me because it seems to me that choosing to fit in with them would be limiting myself. I will not willingly put myself in prison to any religious system again, especially one that insists on one way to do things, or one who believes they and they alone hold all truth. And to be honest, there are some on this particular path who behave just like the fundies I left behind. Plus, they seem to be on a very conservative political spectrum, one that I also left behind and will never return to. Not all, of course, but many. Enough that makes me wary of embracing that kind of spiritual path.

I have no doubts about which gods I should be following. I am quite content with the gods of my youth and am happily forging a connection with them. But I've discovered that I have limited myself too much by trying to label myself as a Hellenic polytheist and it's starting to feel too snug a fit. I do love the traditional aspects of the Greek gods but I'm not living in ancient Greece right now. Nor am I Greek. I'm not interested in the ancient philosophers or how the ancient Greeks thought about the gods. I'm interested in now.

I also don't believe anyone can know exactly what the gods thought about this or that based on the philosophers or the mythologies. Ancient writings are just like modern writings. They are all based on opinion. No one can know without a doubt that the Greek gods hated magick or that they were offended by miasma or that one had to perform a ritual in a particular way. It's all guess-work.

That's not to say that those writing don't have some merit. I happen to like reading other people's opinions about all kinds of things, and I'm glad to learn from them. But never again will I believe that any writings are without error or must be read literally. I've had enough of that, thankyouverymuch.

So I've pulled out my Druidry books and plan to incorporate that into my practices as well. I will yield to the pull toward magick also. It's a strong pull and I can't imagine not going in a direction I feel the gods are leading me toward. I really don't see any conflict with Druidry and the Greek gods anyway. My original problem with Druidry was that I couldn't connect with the Celtic gods. Other than that I really did like it.

So I figure it's my path, not anyone else's, and since they're not going to walk it for me, they shouldn't be able to tell me how to walk it either.

All in all, things have never been better for me spiritually.

Attending the altar

2012-01-05T19:08:00.000-06:00

For a long time, I've been thinking of a vigil candle or light of some kind on my altar. I have, from time to time, attempted it for special occasions. I really do like the idea of having one going all the time. The dynamics of doing that, though, aren't as easy as it seems. For one, I don't want a 7 day candle because I'm nervous about leaving a candle lit when I'm not home or when I'm asleep, no matter how "safe" it might be. Any other kind of real candle would be out of the question. I have a battery-run candle that I've used in the past and my oil burner runs on a tea candle that can last as long as 3 hours. So if I time it right, I can use the oil burner during the day, blow it out when I leave (which means I have to remember to do that) and then switch to the battery-operated candle then. Or I could just use the battery-run candle all the time unless I have my votive candles lit for ritual or prayer. It's something that would be more of a disciplinary action initially. Teaching myself to ensure my altar is attended at all times. I really do like the idea as long as my memory cooperates.

I bought some pomegranate oil for my oil burner today, in honor of Persephone. And I picked up a real pomegranate as well, to place as an offering on the altar before I share it out with the birds and rodents. I will have a taste as well, having never tried it before. I found a tiny snake figurine that is on my altar now, in honor of Asclepius. The Greek version isn't the caduceus, but a snake wrapped around a staff. Still, this is as close as I can come right now. I'm thankful for his help with Hannibal's infected chin and Tom's back pain.

I'm hoping to get some pictures taken later this week of my various altars. I've wanted to do that for a while but haven't gotten around to learning how to use the camera yet. I plan on getting Zach to tutor me on it this week. It may take a while to get some good pictures though.

I haven't done as much studying as I would like. Depression does that to you...leaves you in a limbo kind of world. Wanting isn't always enough when it comes to motivation or impetus. Still, I don't despair. This, too, shall pass. I can take baby steps again until I'm back to reading regularly and that is all I can hope for. And all that I need hope for.

Off to nightly prayer and ritual and then bed. I might just read tonight instead of knit. It's been that kind of a day.

Only the title has changed

2012-01-04T19:33:00.002-06:00

Changing the title and defining my path won't make any changes to this blog. I don't intend to blog in a teaching way or intend to explain a lot about hellenic polytheism. I'll be doing the same things I always have done. Just talking about my day to day dealings with my spirituality and how I interact with the world. Sometimes I'll rant; sometimes I'll offer opinions. But mostly it's just me talking about my daily spiritual path. I'll just be more open about what walking on that path entails.

How boring, huh?

I'm riding out another depression cycle, normal for me this time of year. I can't take meds but my dr does recommend diet, exercise and meditation. She said that meditation has been known to change the brain patterns in people with clinical depression. I also read that incense, or aromatherapy, helps change the brain patterns as well. In particular, I've read that frankincense helps. Unfortunately I don't care much for the scent although I use it in ritual because the gods seem to like it. But get the sticks. The cones won't stay lit. I have to grind them up and then they burn too fast.

I ran into a friend from my old fundie church at StuffMart again and discovered that their pastor had flat-out lied to me about the reason they didn't do their Christmas program this year. He told me it was because of some deaths they had and felt that it was a God-thing. D said it was because people didn't honor their commitments and just bailed out. They didn't have enough people to put the event on. Of course I didn't tell her what the pastor had told me. I don't play those games. It was good to see her and she didn't interrogate me as to my religious activities this time so it was pleasant. We talked a lot about our pets.

I've been writing down prayers I find online into my journal to use for daily rituals and such. Some of them are lovely; some not so much. I have copied a few Orphic hymns that I liked. Decided against some I didn't care for. I've been thinking that I should get back to writing again. Not blog writing, but journaling and even trying my hand at poetry and fiction again. I might start out with short stories first. I think my problems in the past were I attempted mountains before I could walk up hills.

I also have been looking longingly at my drawing pencils. I should get back to that, too. I'm not the most ambitious person in the world and follow-through is my worst fault, I think. Maybe more structure in my life would help.

The other night, while praying, I found a connection with a goddess I hadn't considered before but makes perfect sense for me. While praying to all the gods I invoked Persephone and immediately felt a warm rush of energy overwhelm me. I stopped for a moment to consider what it meant. I'm not sure. Not really. But I will attempt to connect with her again and see what happens. It was a good feeling, for sure. One that brough positive energy and thoughts to me.

I have a lot of studying to do to bring myself up to speed on the gods but as I love doing that studying, it's something I really look forward to. Although I don't intend to study to the degree that I've dissected hellenic polytheism into a bloody pulp. I like it whole. Chunky, not smooth.

Time to light the candles and have a little time with the gods. My rituals tend to be simple and wordless, although I do use prayer a lot. I love the time I spend with them.

Name change...again

2012-01-02T19:21:00.002-06:00

I've felt for a while that my blog name didn't represent me anymore but part of me didn't want to be this open about my Hellenic polytheistic path. I think my reluctance had more to do with fear of what people might think rather than feeling like my path has been settled. At least for now.

So I boldy announce that I am a Hellenic polytheist with a leaning toward the traditional, but not reconstructionist, practices. This fits me like a glove and I no longer feel like an outsider or a pretender.

The name, of course, relates to a post I wrote about when the Greek gods came to visit, bearing luggage. They came to stay. :)

Some endings and some beginnings

2011-12-30T16:10:00.000-06:00

Eldest son finally noticed I had unfriended him on facecrack and decided on Christmas Eve to challenge me on it. As I had deleted his inappropriate response, his reasoning was that I couldn't complain about it since I couldn't prove he said it. He also started handing out ultimatums and insisting that I'm the problem, not him. I know he's a very unhappy person who has deep-seated feelings of abandonment due to something I did in the past but he's an adult now and either needs to get professional help or something in order to deal with it all. I just know that I will continue to reach out to him but I won't be his doormat anymore. And I won't friend him on facecrack again. I won't end our relationship but there is definitely an ending of the nature of it. I am his mother, not his friend.

I've been doing some studying, reading and general spiritual stuff, lots of new and exciting things. But last night my fountain stopped working and I thought it needed water so I poured some in only to completely soak my entire altar cloth and Greek afghan underneath it. Needless to say I didn't do ritual on the altar last night although I did read some prayers from bed and felt perfectly comfortable doing so. I haven't done anything with the wet altar yet because I did soak it up with a towel last night and I'm hoping that will be enough. If not, I should have the dryer working by tonight and can dry it properly.

I've been reading a lot of blogs lately that talk about what constitutes a Pagan and who is or isn't one. It's beginning to remind me of the whole "not a real Christian" shit I encountered most of my life (and even now it continues.) On one level I can see that Pagan has come to mean the nature religions, particularly Wicca and Druidry. And that some other religions don't like to be called Pagan, like the Norse Heathens or the Hindus. And even my own discipline has started to distance itself based on the affiliations that seem to dominate the definition of the word. Frankly I just don't care. It seems to be just an exercise in semantics to me.

Another blog talked about how it was good that people were so sure they were in the right religion that they wouldn't accept that someone else might be in their own right religion. That one surprised me a bit as the blogger was talking about a Catholic insisting that her religion was the one true one and everyone else was worshiping false gods. In light of all the evil that has been done under that kind of philosophy, I can't find any good in it, even if the blogger thinks that it means that she's not wishy-washy about her faith as some Pagans seem to be. Because they think that other religions have merit for other people. And of course there are posts out there about people who have experienced many different religious paths until they found the one that was a good fit for them. As if this was a bad thing. Like you wouldn't try on clothes before you brought them home on the off-chance they might fit.

But mostly I've been reading good things that sometimes make my brain hurt, other times make me think, and most times make me smile because I can relate to what the blogger is saying. It's been interesting reading Hellenic blogs because I've found that most aren't reconstructionists at all, but tend to practice in a Hellenic manner without being dogmatic about it. Which is where I am. Although more and more I'm finding my path leading toward the ancient practices, I'm not being forced into it by intimidation or through arrogance. Nor am I finding that I need to do things by the book.

I haven't decided on any goals for the year, but I think I might set up some kind of plan where I can make some short-term goals to work toward. I believe that's the best way for me. By doing that I end up achieving the result I had intended all along. Baby steps. Still.

I briefly thought about going back to church but quickly decided against it when I realized I didn't miss the ritual anymore as my own rituals more than fulfill me. I thought maybe it was because of the social aspects but I also realized that I had nothing in common with anyone there anymore so that was sort of beside the point of it all. No, I need to move forward, find new avenues for social connections, like the library knit night or maybe some of the environmental/nature groups around here. And maybe the montly meetup in Madison with other Pagans.

But for now, I'm looking forward to New Year's Eve when I will light a candle to Janus and the other gods as they open the door into the New Year.

Can't wait for Solstice

2011-12-20T19:43:00.000-06:00

The Solstice falls on our anniversary this year so we'll celebrate that as well as Solstice. Well, I'll be celebrating Solstice. My intentions are to celebrate the astronomical festivals in addition to some of the Hellenic festivals as well. I love the dark moon celebrations and the various festivals to the gods each month. Not that I'm good at keeping them just yet, but I do love the idea of them. And I'm building up to being comfortable celebrating them.

I've decided that my focus on the Winter Solstice will be Apollo, since I think of him when I think of the Sun. I haven't decided on a ritual yet, and I might just wing it anyway, but I am excited about it, moreso than Christmas in fact. We'll exchange a gift on the 22nd but mostly because it's our anniversary. Still, I would do it anyway because I would rather the focus be on the Solstice than Christmas but that will take time. Zach is keen on it, but Tom still is a little kid and since he gets that day off and not the Solstice, that's the day we'll celebrate. But I won't celebrate Christmas on that day. For me it's just another day of Solstice celebrations.

I generally like the Hellenic calendar of events although I don't pay that much attention to most of the festivals because they just don't fit into my perspective. I love the dark moon celebrations to Hecate, the monthly observances to the daimons of the household, much like the household spirits who take care of things for you. And I do like the monthly observances toward the gods. It helps a bit to compartmentalize these things so you make sure they get their due rather than trying to wing it. Full moons aren't on the Hellenic calendar but I love them so I pay particular attention to Artemis on that day, rather than Selene.

I haven't done the studying I had intended but I still feel pretty good about what I have accomplished so far. I'm more and more confident that I am on the right path and that the celebrations, rituals and observances are becoming more a part of my daily, monthly and yearly life. In a way that didn't come naturally when I was focusing on Druidry. I haven't looked back with regret at all. In fact, I grow more excited each day when I wake up and see my altar. It is becoming more a part of my life to honor and worship the gods. I've started reading my book on Greek mythology on a daily basis. Mostly. I'm still not sure what to do with mythology, but I do love it. More than I ever loved reading the Bible. Seriously.

I really do intend to focus on divination, herb-lore and spellcasting. I feel drawn to folk magic more than any other kind of magic. I've been trying meditation again although not in a formal way. I just focus on the candles and the gods after my nightly ritual. It's calming at the least even if I don't accomplish anything else from it.

All in all, this has been the most productive year for me spiritually. I feel more confident and more balanced than I have in the past. And that's good.

Unexpected company

2011-12-15T18:55:00.000-06:00

As you all well know, I'm not very sociable and tend to be much of a recluse except when I go out to shop or something. My home is my haven, my sanctuary and besides that, it's very small. So today a woman from my old fundie church dropped by for a visit right around the time Tom was leaving for work. She didn't call first, just showed up. I suppose if we were close, it wouldn't be a big deal to just drop in on me, but I haven't seen her in over 4 years and then it was at the store.

She's a minister (her "degree" obtained through a correspondence course by Ken Copeland, I believe) involved in prison ministry and wanted me to be a part of her group. Much to my surprise I told her I no longer believed and that I couldn't be party to something I didn't believe in. She was far less judgmental than I assumed she would be although she did tell me how sorry she was. I told her not to be, that I was much happier and less stressed out now than I ever was as a Christian.

Then we got into the reasons we both left that church. She left because of the blatant lectures from the pulpit on who we should vote for and after confronting the pastor's wife about it, who told her it was the church's place to tell people how to vote, she left the church. We left for many reasons, but that was the straw that broke the camel's back. It was all over the Gay Marriage Amendment that I had no intentions of voting for, but apparently S did in spite of not liking them telling her to vote for it. I let her know how I felt about gays being allowed to marry and she let me know that her daughter is involved in that evil "lifestyle." Now, Zach was in his bedroom, able to hear this whole conversation. I firmly told her it wasn't a lifestyle, that people were born gay and there was scientific evidence to support that, that gays shouldn't be forbidden the very basic needs we all have: to love, have affection and family. She muttered something about science not trumping the Bible, but all in all it wasn't a bad conversation. No one was angry and no one got in anyone's face.

Although Zach was gritting his teeth and clenching his fists in his room.

I didn't tell her I was Pagan. I had closed off my "bedroom" with the curtains because I didn't want to explain it to her so I suppose she's going to assume I'm an atheist at this stage. I don't really care. I don't feel like I need to justify or explain anything about my life to anyone else. But at least she didn't preach to me. Although she kept making the assumption that I believed in the bible like she did. Old habits dying hard, I guess.

I'm just glad it's over and I hope I don't have to run into her again for a long time. It was pleasant but stressful. Especially on Zach's account.

Also I stopped counting after a while, the number of times she used "Lord" or "God" in her conversation. I lost count after 50.

BB

Solstice plans

2011-12-14T21:52:00.000-06:00

I still don't have the Christmas tree up. It's not that I'm not enthusiastic about Christmas, it's that I'm not enthusiastic about decorating for Christmas. I bought a $1 sign you stick in the ground that reads Happy Holidays and you can only see if you're standing a foot away from it. It's still on the bookcase. Hopefully tomorrow I'll get the tree up. Which is funny since all I every do after Christmas is wrap the already decorated tree in a black garbage bag and store it upstairs. All I have to do is take the bag off and plug it in. And I still can't be bothered to do that much.

I have other decorations, like my crocheted candles, my Frosty-the-snowman that my dad made. And the reindeer he made, too. And tons of garlands. And this year, Zach asked for a new tree-topper since he doesn't like the star we've got. It's for a full-size tree and ours is a table-topper so the tree tends to lean. So I made a new God's Eye for the top of the tree. He really liked it and since it is more in keeping with our perspective than a star, will make the tree a bit more meaningful. I got rid of all my religious Christmas ornaments over the past couple of years...with Tom's consent, of course. I wouldn't try to rob him of his perspective toward the holidays but since he's a fan of Christmas but not a fan of the religious aspects of Christmas, he didn't have any problems with it.

I'm still not sure what to do for Solstice but Zach and I decided that we'll exchange one gift each on the 22nd since that's mine and Tom's anniversary. Our 25th this year, actually. At one point I never would have given odds we'd last this long but I'm leaning toward the long haul now. Anyway, this way we can celebrate the season of the Solstice without feeling like we're going through the motions or just moving Christmas to another day. We'll open the rest of the presents on Christmas morning because Tom is the biggest kid of them all and wakes us up at ungodly hours so we can do that. We're also going to attend the family Christmas party for the first time in maybe 10 years. I lost interest in them during my chemo period and just stopped going. But now that I'm a Pagan, I'm feeling more like family since most of them aren't religious at all. And one sister-in-law is eager to sit me down and find out about my journey.

I expect Solstice will be a nice meal and some kind of ritual welcoming back the sun. I'm woefully behind on my reading so that might be a good day to set aside time for that. I'm still finding my way, picking up things that merit saving, discarding things that no longer fit. And not worrying about it; just going with my instincts. I'm quite content with the gods I worship and the way I worship them, although I could do better. But I'm not beating myself up about it. Just letting the path unfold before me.

Today was a really blah day for me. I had been productive lately, getting lots done at home, cooking better and being more frugal and attentive to my responsibilities. It's been years since I've had that much energy, in fact. But alas! Today I woke up drained and spent the day in bed. I should know those days will still be there and not feel bad about it. I did manage to fix supper and do up the supper dishes. I've never been able to accomplish that much before, not on a day like this. I didn't manage to do much more than light my hearth candle and give a wave off to Hestia before crawling back into bed. She seemed fine with it.

And I think a nice hot shower will make me feel more human, too. Especially since tomorrow is an errand day.

More and more I'm realizing that my Pagan path is simply walking through each day, honoring the gods however feels right to me and being myself. My true self.

I like it.

When the ones you love try to suck the life out of you, unfriend them

2011-12-08T18:38:00.000-06:00

Things finally came to a head again with firstborn on facebook where he once again insulted someone in response to something I had posted. That this person he insulted was his cousin didn't make any difference to me. His main purpose in life seems to be haunting my posts and ridiculing my beliefs and attacking the people who agree with me. So I've ended my facebook relationship with him. Period. There will be no fourth or fifth chances on this. We can take our relationship to another place or not at all. I really don't care at this stage. Since finding his birth father he's made it clear that they and they alone care for him and fuck the rest of us.

I can only take so much of this shit before I explode and do something irreversible. So, eliminating him from my facebook friends is the path of least resistance. Trust me.

I don't know why families have to be so dysfunctional. Sure, people make mistakes but why is it so hard to maintain relationships with people you love. And I do love him. I just don't particularly like him. My sister jumped in to tell me how much she appreciates the things I post but as it was her son he went after, I really didn't expect any less from her. I also discovered that two of his cousins have also unfriended him because of his antagonistic attitude toward them.

I've taken the blame for my contributions to his dysfunction but for fuck's sake, he's nearly 40 and needs to grow the fuck up now. Sure, I have problems with my extended family but I don't treat them like shit because of it. I limit my time spent with them to what is comfortable for me and treat them with the respect I think they deserve. And it's okay to bitch about what a rotten childhood he had but there is no advantage to wallowing in the past and using it as an excuse. I admit that many things from my past make the palette my world is colored with but I hold the paintbrush now. When I talk about things from my past I don't use them as an excuse, just as an explanation for the way I am. I don't hide behind the past. I hope I'm learning from it.

It's time to sever this relationship until he decides to let me live my own life, with my own ideas and opinions and stop trying to change me into who he wants me to be. I'm through with the emotional blackmail and the guilt trips. And the attacks on people who don't line up with his political and spiritual beliefs.

I'm finally moving forward emotionally and spiritually and I'll be damned if I'm going to let anyone interfere with that journey.

2011-12-06T18:14:00.000-06:00

I'm feeling better today. Ritual helps heal a lot. I think just doing something instead of passive prayer or worship makes me feel more connected to the gods. It's probably why I had longed for liturgical worship when I was a Christian. Something I resisted for so long because I had been taught that it was mindless worship and near-idolatry. And once I had it, I no longer believed in that deity so the next step was to take the ritual to a place where I did believe.

It's just been a journey finding ritual that completes me. I tried to force it for so long that I had despaired of having that feeling of completeness again. But finally I feel like I'm getting there. I doubt I will ever "arrive" but as the journey is what makes it all interesting, destination isn't critical. I don't have any real defined ritual aside from some candle-lighting and some pre-written prayers, which I really love as I tend to stumble around and worry more about what I'm saying than what I should be saying. I feel a connection that seems stable, yet powerful and fulfilling.

I'm looking forward to Winter Solstice. There is a modern Hellenic ritual that someone has designed that, while structured, is still very adaptable to one's own desires. I may take what I like out of it and discard what I don't. It's not overwhelming; it's just long...9 days long, if I remember correctly. An alternate 2 day festival has been designed based on the 9 day one, which is more in keeping with what my intentions are. It's not that I'm lazy or anything, but at this stage, I'm not ready for the commitment a 9 day festival entails. I do well to remember my daily rituals.

I'm also looking forward to Christmas as this year we're making more of an effort. Definitely a secular or Pagan Christmas though. I've gotten rid of all my religious ornaments and Zach has requested a new tree topper instead of the star we've got. I suggested a God's Eye and he loved the idea so I need to think about which colors to use. That will be my new ornament for the year. I always add a new one, usually something I find at the thrift store or one I make. Last year I made a new tree skirt instead of an ornament and it worked out well.

This is the first time in years I've looked forward to this season instead of dreading it. I must be healing. Asklepios really knows his stuff. :)

The past bites me again

2011-12-05T17:34:00.000-06:00

Unfortunately I ran into our old pastor at StuffMart the other day. Fortunately my pentacle was hidden inside my coat so I didn't have to feel awkward around him. We did the usual polite catching up and he told me that Walk through Bethlehem had been canceled because of a "God thing" that happened last week at church. I, of course, expressed polite curiosity. Then he let me know that a woman I knew from there had lost her husband to an industrial accident. I had seen it in the paper but didn't know it was her husband. And our former youth pastor and his wife had lost their year-old daughter to an apparent crib death.

A "God thing?"

Forgive me for not seeing how a "loving" god would rip a year old baby from the arms of her parents or a husband from the arms of a wife, especially right before the celebration of his "birth." I came away from this conversation feeling a great deal of anguish for D & M having lost their daughter and for R losing her husband, but also a huge amount of anger that a system would force people to look upon these situations as a "God thing," I hated, hated that we had to swallow any outward grief and put on a face that praised a deity who committed these heinous acts against his people as an act of love. Always we were told that God was in control and he never would give you more than you were able to bear.

Well, guess what! "He" does give you more than you're able to bear. Frequently. It's just that you're not allowed to admit it. You're not allowed to question why he would kill some people and let others have miracles. Or why there were abused children anywhere in the world. Oh, yeah...supposedly he was there with them, hurting right along with them, letting them know they weren't alone and that was supposed to be enough. Bull-fucking-shit! They hurt alone, feel abandoned by the world and have no concept of a "loving" God who is supposed to be there comforting them. In fact, some of them are being abused in Christian homes.

It boggled my mind how there was some kind of popularity contest when it came to prayer. We were supposed to pray for people. Often. And get more people to pray, too, because the more people praying, apparently the more likely God was to do something for the person being prayed for. So if you were alone and had no one, then it was only your prayer and apparently that wasn't enough since God needs numbers of people praying. And why does he require people to pray over and over again for the same thing. It's like he expects people to beg for his assistance. Some "father" he is. Some relationship that is.

So, yeah, I'm a bit angry again. I don't get how suffering makes people better or stronger or helps them to grow spiritually. I know of several people out there in blogland who treat suffering as something to be desired. If you're not suffering, you're not trying hard enough. If you're not suffering, God isn't testing you. And if you complain about suffering, you're committing a sin. I remember one Bible study lesson about how complaining was a sin as big as adultery.

So..."God" rips your life in two, makes your life a living hell but if you complain about it, you're not being grateful.

I am so glad I escaped that destructive and evil religion. And yeah, I'm aware that some Christians out there distance themselves from that kind of teaching and claim that those people aren't focusing on God's love, but they are fooling themselves into leaving out all the parts about massacres and killing of innocent children, the raping of women and such by that same "loving" God.

What real salvation is

2011-11-29T17:28:00.000-06:00

I discovered an old email account that had a lot of unread emails on it so I went into it to delete them, only to discover my old Christian ladies email loop from ten years ago. Wow! I was such a self-righteous bitch. But I have to say, not as bad as some on that loop. One comment was about how there were too many gay women posting on a message board we used to frequent and how awful it was that the other "Christian" women didn't have a problem with them flaunting their "sin." I do remember that conversation vividly and to my relief, I kept silent about it. But I know what my feelings were about it and I was one of those who looked down my nose at the sinfulness of homosexuality, patting myself on the back that I really, truly did love them. Just not their "sin."

That's one of the big lies of Christianity. Love the sinner, hate the sin. They do no such thing. They hate the sinner, too. They loathe them, look condescendingly at them, use them as examples of what evil looks like, discriminate against them and preach sermons against them. But that's what love looks like in fundie-ville. They really think that "tough love" is true love.

Looking back on that email loop, I'm so appalled by my thinking at that time. Maybe that's why I'm so bitter now and why I won't put up with that kind of talk from Christians today, even liberal ones. I despise the person I was as a Christian so why would I want to be around people who are just like I was? Not to mention the hateful way they treated my youngest. Yeah...love the sinner, hate the sin. They hate the ones who are different, poor, alone. The only reason they pay any attention to them is to get them "saved" and to score another brownie point with their score-keeper.

Another thing I noticed that disgusted me about my behavior was the way we talked about people who died. The first question out of our heads was "were they saved?" Seriously. As if that was the only thing that mattered. One woman said neither she nor her husband cried when his dad died because he wasn't "saved." I expressed so much anguish over loved ones who had died who weren't "saved" also. In my old fundie church whenever it was announced that someone's family member had died, the first question asked was about their "salvation." Because their lives, what kind of people they were, who loved them, never mattered as much as whether or not they had ticked the right box on the salvation question. And it wasn't enough that they were a Christian. They had to be the right kind of Christian. As in...Catholics and Episcopalians most likely weren't saved. Any liberal Christian, probably not. Definitely not if they were Jewish or Muslim. Or Pagan. No one even bothered to ask about a Pagan's salvation as it was known that they were worshiping false gods, therefore were worshiping Satan and we all know what happens to Satan-worshipers, don't we?

I'm deleting the whole nonsense without reading anymore but I am glad that I had the chance to go back and see what I left behind. And I am so glad I did. I shudder to think what would have happened if I hadn't written that Christmas play that led to my loss of faith and my exit from Christianity. To me, that is real salvation. I was saved from a system that destroys the heart and soul and spits out a living carcass devoid of life.

BB

Stop me before I dream again

2011-11-27T13:04:00.000-06:00

I had a weird dream this morning. I know it was morning because I had let Professor out for the fourth time and crawled back into bed determined to get some sleep. It started out with Zach and me going to McDonald's for lunch on Super Bowl Sunday. When we got there they had all the tables lined up as you would in a church basement fellowship dinner with a huge widescreen tv on the wall. When I asked if they were open they said whatever was already cooked was all that was available. Unfortunately there was nothing cooked. So the scene shifted to St. Mark's, our old Episcopal church. When we walked in the priest called my name in a surprised way and although I didn't do all the rituals like genuflecting and crossing myself, I was there for the Eucharist. Not because I believed or anything, just because I missed it. So the priest said we were waiting until things were set up so Zach and I went into the narthex (foyer) and waited. And waited. And waited. I peeked in to discover they had removed a bunch of pews and had set up long tables with McDonald's food on it and a plate with the communion wafers and a pitcher of wine. I was really pissed off.

Then I woke up.

I'm not sure what to make of the dream. I occasionally dream of things from my past, more in a nostalgic way rather than a feeling of missing something. Like the Navy. I used to have Navy dreams all the time and let me tell you I don't miss that at all. It occurs to me that there was no sense of feeling like I was being called back to St. Mark's. If anything, the whole scenario put me off of the church. (Although I will say that in real life, the parishioners would never in a million years have treated the Eucharist that way.) Not that I really needed reinforcement of that feeling.

I had read my Tarot and Animal Oracle cards a few days ago and got one of the clearest readings I've ever gotten from them, that I am really on a good path right now. I guess my Tarot cards are speaking to me, finally. This is the same brand of Tarot that I ceremonially threw away back in my fundie days, when I entered that dark cavern of religious superiority by burning or throwing away anything that had any semblance of Pagan origin. I guess I should have gotten rid of the Christmas tree, too, huh?

The Greeks and I are growing more and more comfortable with each other, setting up housekeeping and rituals together. They were my first love, after all. I'm trying to get the house cleaned as I find my spiritual direction more clearly defined if I am in the midst of order. Chaos is not my friend. Now that I'm feeling better and my back isn't hurting much at all, I'm making some progress and with each room finished I feel lighter and more at peace.

I watched a documentary about the Decorah eagles who I had watched all last spring. This was about the death of the first mate and the subsequent first clutch of eggs together. She was a crap mother initially which made me feel a bit better about my own initial attempts at motherhood. I am so drawn to eagles. As much as I am to crows. It's so odd how I never paid any attention to birds at all until I moved here and now they just won't leave me alone. Hawks, eagles, crows...I feel such a connection with them now.

BB

Rooster!

2011-11-23T20:01:00.000-06:00

I found a rooster today. Or rather Zach found it. I hadn't thought about looking for a picture to place on the wall above Hermes's altar so while in the aisle looking at lampshades, I saw some pictures. There in front was a hen, but not what I was looking for. So Zach dug behind that picture and found a strutting rooster, which is now resting on my dining table waiting for me to put it on the wall. I had invoked Hermes before leaving home, which is becoming a regular thing for me. I just light his candle, quietly ask for protection while traveling, blow the candle out and leave.

The picture is a lot bigger than I had intended, but I figure Hermes's ego demands a sizable icon. It will be the first thing you see when you walk in the door. Well, past the curtains covering the foyer.

I'm not celebrating Thanksgiving Day. Mostly because it's just Zach and me and the few attempts I made at trying to have a full-scale T-day event for a child just didn't do it for either of us, so now we just treat it like another day. In fact, I have a lot on the agenda in the way of cleaning. We must get the car ready to sell and I must get the kitchen ready for frugal and healthful cooking. Both of these tasks just can't wait.

But I hope those of you who do celebrate have a wonderful and happy time with family and friends. For my non-U.S. friends and readers, just have a happy Thursday.

BB

Shopping for the Gods

2011-11-21T18:59:00.001-06:00

Today was a pretty good, laid back day with me doing a lot of thinking, a bit of research and some intuitive shopping. I decided to move my spinning wheel figurine into the kitchen where I have the household goddess's altar, now known as Hestia's altar. The response from the Goddess was immediate and powerful. What a connection!

So that got me thinking about moving Zeus (eagle figurine) to the main altar and devoting the piano altar to Hermes since that's in line with the front door and generally in the area where we get ready to go anywhere, he being the God of travelers and all. So I went to the thrift store to see if I could find a rooster to put there. I found a few but they weren't exactly what I was looking for. Several were too badly chipped and paint worn off. Others were too ugly.

Then I was passing a section with a lot of figurines and one stood out screaming at me. A beautiful stag in a woodland location just about jumped into my hands. Which was silly because I wasn't looking for something to represent Artemis. I already had a bell with a buck on top of it for a handle. Apparently she wasn't crazy about that one, but loved the stag. So I picked it up, put it down and went looking some more.

I found a lovely swan to represent Apollo and decided that's all I would buy today. Halfway to the checkout, I turned around and went back to get the stag. Artemis was quite insistent. So I came home with two beautiful figurines that look amazing on the altar. I must get a picture of it very soon.

I really never figured on settling in so well since the Greeks moved in but things are feeling more and more like home. Well, like a home should feel anyway. I found a beautiful resin pendant of a peacock (Hera) the other day that I wear with a rawhide strip instead of a chain. I really, really break out with anything that's not gold, even the hypoallergenic stuff, so I've gone to wearing cloth or rawhide instead. I also found a resin nautilus pendant that reminds me of Poseidon and I already had an owl pendant (Athena.) Best thing is, I don't have to hide any of them down my shirt when I run into people I don't want to reveal my spiritual choices to. 'Cause it looks ordinary.

One thing that bothered me before when the Greeks came to visit was the belief that I had to be super-presentable (according to the recons) in order to appeal to the gods. And the whole concept of miasma, not appearing before them while sick and unclean and such. I am finding, though, that making sure I brush my hair and teeth, and dressing first thing in the morning is beneficial to my state of mind rather than feeling like I have to be all dressed up before prayers. Depression can keep me in my pajamas for weeks on end if I don't do anything about it. This gives me an impetus to take those steps to show respect to myself as well as the gods.

But no, I don't feel like I can't come before the gods unless my hair is brushed, etc. It's just that taking that step, even when I don't feel like it, puts emphasis on taking care of myself, giving myself importance in the order of events for the day. Initially I did it because I thought it would be a nice gesture to show the gods that I was trying. After just a couple of days, I realized how much different I felt about myself when I took those steps first thing.

I don't know how I feel about the other things the recons say are needed for orthopraxy. Not terribly worried about it at all. I feel like the gods have moved on from 3000 BCE. I can even imagine Poseidon in a Hawaiian shirt and khaki shorts instead of a tunic. In fact...I can't get that image out of my head now.

Oh, well. I'm sure that if they called me to them, they know enough about me to know that I would look terrible in a chiton, more like a beached whale, so they seem to be fine with me in sweatshirts and jeans.

BB

Chance meetings

2011-11-20T12:08:00.000-06:00

Last night I needed to run to the store and as I hadn't gotten the kitchen up to speed yet (nor most of the house) we just stopped at Arby's for a sandwich. Had a pleasant time mostly just watching the news station on their tv which, thankfully, wasn't Faux Noise, then sat and discussed some of the stories we saw. Before leaving Zach made a trip to the bathroom while I was gathering up the trash and such. There had been a large family sitting at a table near us but as they were well-behaved I didn't pay them much attention. Then the woman walked toward me and I thought she might need the time or directions or something.

Nope. It was someone from my old fundie church whom I hadn't seen in about 5 years. Unlike most other people, though, I genuinely liked her so I was pleased, albeit nervous, to see her. We caught up and while I didn't quite lie to her, I wasn't completely honest about why we no longer went to church. She asked about Zach and I asked about her daughter, who is a year older than Zach.

It was really hard to keep my face neutral when she told me that A was going to some International House of Prayer seminary type thing. They are the Dominionists that were behind the Rick Perry religious fest down in Texas. The link is from CARM, which I'm not endorsing but using to show that most Christian organizations are distancing themselves from it. Apparently A sleeps from 3 p.m. to 11 p.m. and then prays for the next 8 hours, then works the remaining 8 hours. Sounds like a cult to me.

But S didn't seem to indicate in her mannerism that she found anything wrong with this at all. Although she might have been hiding her true feelings as she had told me when A graduated high school that she was so disappointed that A wasn't going on to college but was going to attend some Assembly of God pseudo seminary type of school, which wouldn't have given her any tools to get a job anywhere, not even within the Assembly of God.

Thing is, this is the kind of thing that was pushed in the youth group in the church we belonged to (and one of the biggest reasons S and her husband left that particular fundie church). The youth pastor kept telling Zach he should become a minister and tried to push him into attending a very expensive Assembly of God college in which he couldn't use any federal grants or federal backed student loans. These were the people who nickeled and dimed us to death to pay for their sound equipment for the youth groups so it would look like a rock concert.

I'm so glad we escaped that cult-like atmosphere and while Zach is still very much damaged by them, I'm so glad he had the strength to resist their indoctrination. And mine for that matter. His escape enabled me to leave. My son rescued me, no doubt about it.

After a few pleasantries, we parted company. When we got to the car, I noticed Zach was shaking like a leaf. Even though S was one of the few really good people in that church, just that connection brought back all the old memories and pain he endured while there.

I know that as a Pagan I'm supposed to be more tolerant and allow others to have the right to choose their own spiritual paths, but it frightens me how close I came to ruining Zach's life by choosing his path for him. And how many years of my life were wasted by my parents not only choosing, but locking me into the spiritual path of their choice. I'm not saying parents shouldn't share their religious faith and beliefs with their children. But forcing them into it is, in my mind and based on my own experiences, as damaging as child abuse in some cases.

I admit that I will walk down a different aisle or change directions whenever I see anyone from the old fundie church mostly because I hate the third degree (which S didn't do at all, thankfully) and can't get past feeling like I have to justify why I left that life behind. I know that this is where I need to grow stronger, but it's still very annoying to be questioned as if I were a criminal.

Maybe this is the biggest reason I am such a recluse, a loner and have so many social anxieties. I just hope Zach escaped early enough he can heal soon and not continue to suffer the anxiety he's enduring now.

BB

Getting rid of those buttons people want to keep pushing

2011-11-19T15:06:00.000-06:00

So...the epilogue to the story of yesterday was that the person in question decided to use her husband's account to further berate me (and accuse me of being the antagonist, because of course they never are, being perpetual victims). I should have just let it go and unfriended her husband's account (which I only used for game playing) but I didn't. Eventually I deleted my last comment and just said that I didn't need to defend or explain my actions to anyone, then deleted her husband's account. Let her have the last word. I don't fucking care.

But it brought to mind how manipulative people can be over being "friended" on facecrack. How dare you unfriend me over ONE thing I said (not verbatim, but close). It wasn't just one thing, actually, since there was another occasion where she jumped in my shit because I said I wasn't comfortable hanging with people who thought my prayers had cooties, but even if it was, it's my fucking right to do so. I still have some fundie friends who don't bother me at all. I don't jump in the stuff they post and they don't jump in the things I post. Unless it's funny. Or something they're interested in. And I love to coo over their grandchildren. I call that respect. What was done to me yesterday was the real disrespect.

I am no longer a doormat. You don't have the right to try to fix me or tell me what my problems are unless I invite you to. And I can guarantee you that I'm not sending out invitations any time soon. The only exceptions are those people I do seek advice from, those of you who read and comment on this blog. It's fair game when I offer myself up in order to grow. Fundies excluded, of course.

So in the future, I need to just let it go and delete, unfriend or ignore. Whatever it takes to take care of myself.

So, I got off the computer and cleaned the living room which was so very cathartic in itself. Order just soothes my soul. Or is that rock and roll?

I also cleaned and sorted my altar out, making it more in keeping with the Greeks. And discovering that many of the pieces I have on my altar represent some of the Greek Gods in a very specific way. I guess I was heading in that direction after all. I guess when they want you, they direct you until you discover where you really are supposed to be.

I poured out a libation to Hermes the other night. I used milk as I don't keep wine here since no one drinks it. I can't because of medication I'm on. In the middle of the night I heard some slurping and saw Hannibal with his nose down in the cream pitcher, gulping down my libation. If Hermes doesn't mind, I don't either so I poured it into a bowl so he could get to it without getting his face stuck.

All in all it hasn't been a bad day. The old me would have fretted and worried and had to have the last word. I like the new me better. Isn't it odd how I'm a much better person as a Pagan than I ever was as a Christian. Even my husband says so. :)

Pushing my buttons

2011-11-18T15:50:00.002-06:00

I got a really snarky response to something I posted on Facecrack by someone I thought was a liberal to moderate Christian. This is the exchange:

God and Jesus. It’s like when your parents get on Facebook.
thebloggess.com
On the way home from our vacation/hospital-stay, Victor and I ended up traveling with a very well-meaning man who wouldn’t stop talking about how God put me in the hospital on purpose because apparently He hates me.

Name deleted: Disrespect of faith. When did that get to be okay with you?

Me: When is it okay for someone to browbeat a fellow passenger with information that God is punishing them? I'm fed up to here with the Christian privilege that says whatever Christians do is okay but it's not okay to criticize Christians. The author was mocking the person who deemed it necessary to "witness" to her

Name deleted: I'm pretty sure that you know I don't think browbeating anyone is okay. This blog went way beyond mocking the person who did the browbeating. Seriously, Kathy. What would you think if we substituted a few different names in there? You'd think the person who posted it was being disrespectful of your faith, right?

Me: No, I wouldn't because I have a sense of humor about these things. And no, they were making fun of his platitudes about God opening up a window, not about Christianity.

Me: So I asked another Christian friend if this crossed a line and the person said that no, they were making fun of the guy and his platitudes, besides which...God closing a door and opening a window isn't even in the Bible so it's not even scripture. They were making fun of the guy for being arrogant enough to think that he was "helping."
End exchange

I still think it's hilarious and am a bit pissed off that the responder chose to immediately chastise me instead of just saying, "hey, I find that offensive." In which case I would have extended my apologies that she was offended but I wouldn't have changed a thing because as my Christian friend (who has asked to remain anonymous in order to stay out of it) says, it's making fun of a guy and his platitudes because he thinks he's helping the Bloggess into the kingdom of his god.

Of late, I've noticed that friends who I often thought of as liberal/moderate are coming across nearly as fundie as the fundie friends I've had to push out of my life. And that includes some relatives of mine as well.

This particular friend has let me know that this blog makes her feel uncomfortable. I'm guessing it's because I criticize Christianity and Christians. I don't ridicule it/them and I don't make shit up about it/them. I'm talking about my experiences and the way I view it now that I'm free from it. Personal experience. It's not like what some of the Christians out there do, by making shit up and passing it off as truth. Which, when I was a Christian, I totally bought because of course, they wouldn't be lying because that would be a sin. Except they do. All the time.

And that particular commandment about not bearing false witness. Which really isn't about telling lies so much as it's about falsely damaging someone's reputation. Deliberately damaging someone's reputation. Which a lot of these fundie types do all the time. Because the minions believe everything they say.

So, yeah...a bit pissed off today. The whole Christian privilege thing that goes on includes not criticizing their brand of mythology because that's sacrilege. But it's okay to make up shit about what Pagans really believe, how they practice and what their history/mythology really is.

But it's outrageous to make a silly little joke about a silly little man who thinks platitudes really help people.

ETA: The rest of the exchange:

Name deleted: Kathy, I didn't miss what you think was the point of the blog. Really, I got that part, okay? Ridiculing Jesus being born "in a barn" and some imaginary conversation where He & God are sniping at each other in a demeaning fashion--none of that had ANYTHING to do with the guy. As for a sense of humor--that surprised me. If you had no sacred cows of your own, I wouldn't expect you to get it. But since you do, and since we know how you feel about people being disrespectful about them, I'm pretty surprised that you'd think this is funny. We'lll have to agree to disagree.

ME: We used to make cracks about Jesus being born in a barn years ago when I was a very devout Christian. And exchanges like the one above, imagining conversations between God and Jesus. In my old fundamenalist church. So you're offended, I get that. But obviously other Christians find this funny so it's not me being disrespectful at all.
Me: And my sacred cows consist of being called a Satan worshiper. Not quite the same as having a sense of humor about God.

Beware of Greeks bearing luggage

2011-11-15T23:05:00.001-06:00

I'd write more here if I had something worth saying, but mostly I'm just a fly-by-the-seat-of-my-pants Pagan and winging it as I go. But I have been paying a bit more attention to my surroundings of late, wondering, pondering and putting the pieces of the puzzles together. There always seems to be pieces missing though.

The Greeks have come for a visit since I last invoked Hermes during the stranded-in-the-next-town-late-at-night debacle. And they brought luggage this time. Which of course made me question why it is whenever I feel a need to call on a diety out of despair or need, I always call on the Greeks, never the Celts. Well, actually they brought it up when I asked about the luggage. They also pointed out that I still have an altar to Zeus on my piano and have accidentally prayed to Hestia instead of Brighid on a regular basis. Then there are the eagles and crows they've been sending to me, trying to get my attention.

Apparently they have a point as I instinctively called upon Hermes again tonight when Tom's truck died on his way to work, just two days before he's supposed to leave for his hunting trip. Artemis showed up as well, being interested in Tom's intentions in hunting, which I hope I explained to her satisfaction.

They also pointed out that my problem isn't with them, it's with their adherents, which they claim they're not responsible for. So after promising not to frequent those sites anymore, I invited them to stay. I'm not saying they're on probation but if they start insisting on heels and hose for prayers, I'll pack their bags for them myself. But I suspect they're really a lot more laid back about things than some people want them to be.

I'm not feeling particularly giddy that this seems to be the right path for me. In fact, I feel a bit casual about it all, accepting that this is probably the right thing for me, although I'm not ruling anything out. If this is just a lengthy visit then I'll take that all in stride and deal with it, but if they're moving in permanently, then I'll make this as comfortable a home for them as I can.

But they have a point that I only call upon them in times of need. It's like sending out invitations. If you don't want people to visit, don't ask them to.

BB

Still trying to find my way

2011-11-08T18:45:00.000-06:00

My back problem has been interfering with my progress although you would think it gave me time to sit down and do a lot of reading. In reality what it gave me was time to play video games because they take my mind off the pain. Reading only gives me more time to whine about it.

But while I was online yesterday I came across a blog title (although I didn't read the article) about how you treat the gods. I can't remember exactly how it went but it was along the lines of either worshiping the gods or using them for when you need something. It's a problem I've struggled with for years, including the time I was a Christian. I don't get the need to beg for favors and keep begging in order for the deity to deign to look down from on high and reach out to help us. On the other hand, in any relationship there must be some give and take. But in my dealings with my gods, I tend not to ask for anything because I am uncomfortable doing that. I know that some gods require a sacrifice for the favors they bestow. Others seem to expect you to do all you can before they will intervene. Still others will send their strength or energy to enable you to take care of the problem yourself. I just know what I'm comfortable with and that's not with asking for help in every little thing.

Sure, I called upon Hermes when I was stranded out of town. It was an instinctive thing and I offered a libation to him the next day in return for the help he gave. But as a rule, I don't ask for favors much. I had problems as a Christian in feeling like I was bossing Yahweh around with all my requests, as if I was entitled to the solutions I expected of him. So now all I do is offer up, in my daily rituals, resolutions for what I hope to accomplish or who I hope to be. As in...May I be productive and centered today as I go about my work. Instead of ...Help me to be productive and centered today as I go about my work. For one thing, I believe the gods expect us to grow without their holding our hands and dragging us through our rough spots. I could be wrong, but the whole notion of not being able to do anything without a god's help makes me feel weak and helpless.

But maybe, again, that's just me and I could be wrong. I just know that while I'm not there yet, I'm in much better shape emotionally and stronger spiritually than I was when I was required to lean on a god's strength, not trusting my own.

This morning, I lit my hearth candle (a shelf next to my sink) invoking Brighid, who I must admit I've had a hard time connecting to. After my morning prayer, I told her that I wasn't comfortable asking for healing help as I've had such a hard time feeling a connection with her and felt like it was too much like "using" her to do that. For the first time, I felt that inner glow. I feel it frequently with Danu, but never have with Brighid. I came away from the experience feeling much loved and connected with her, but not healed. Although the pain is much less than it was before and I'm glad to give her credit for it because the pain has been very distracting. If she has chosen to lighten my load a bit, I am truly grateful. Even moreso for not having begged for help. And I'll be glad to give her credit.

For me it's like when my husband does something for me without being asked. It always feels more sincere and loving than when I have to ask or plead with him to do something for me. Then again...if you don't ask, you don't usually get. Still, doesn't it feel better to help someone out of love rather than out of obligation?

But then again, I might be totally full of shit. LOL I'm still learning who the gods are, after all.

BB

Easing in and easing up

2011-11-05T12:16:00.000-05:00

My year and a day aren't progressing at warp speed but I'm okay with that. In fact, I feel better about easing into it instead of jumping in with both feet. I've watched some travelogues and documentaries and researched some things online but I haven't really sat down to do any reading, which I should do before the books are due back at the library.

I'm having a horrendous flair of my fibromyalgia right now in which my pain pills aren't dulling the pain much, but oddly my mood is better than it's been in months. I think it's because I genuinely like doing frugal things and trying to be environmentally responsible. I feel like I accomplish something when I don't spend money or when I don't waste something. And that makes me feel more connected to the spiritual side of things better than studying 10 books.

My winterizing will be done this weekend and I can cozy up under a blanket and knit or spin or read in the afternoons after my chores are done. And I will be so glad when I'm done with it. I only have the plastic to put on 5 windows and lay down some carpet on the back hallway to insulate the floor and I'm done.

And just as winter sets in, my dryer quits on me, but oddly that makes me feel good, too, knowing that I can use the clothesline or the indoor racks and do just fine. It's good not to fall apart when technology fails you.

So in the scheme of things, I feel like this is all part of my year and a day and while I will get to the more indepth things I want to study, I like just growing into it. It feels much more natural. And that gives me more of a certainty that I will succeed in this rather than creating an artificial structure that I'm constantly battling against.

It feels good to feel good about it all.

BB

Truly a blessed Samhain

2011-11-01T18:14:00.000-05:00

Yesterday was magnificent in spite of not using a formal ritual or a lot of preparation. My small, yet personal ritual seemed to draw the gods in as well as the ancestors and a good time was had by all. I got my cards out and while I'm still not getting a whole lot of sense from Tarot, the Animal Druid Oracles are smacking me in the face with their observations and suggestions.

Once again I drew the cards dealing with initiation, commitment and divination with a new card that warns about not letting it all go to your head. So I decided that my "year and a day" started last night. After a remarkable time with the gods and ancestors, I sat on the couch in front of my brightly lit candles to meditate upon what I had learned from the ritual, only to fall immediately asleep for about 20 minutes. In that time I had a vivid dream but the shock of waking up drove it completely from my memory.

But I still feel pretty good about it all. Not that my "year and a day" initiation will be anything formal or driven by any particular flavor of Pagan. I have books I can selectively draw from but my main source will be Nature herself. As divination was one of the suggestions from the cards, I plan on learning more about that as well, in a more structured manner than I have been using, but learning to use my intuition as well. And the Spellcasting book I got will be part of my "curriculum" too. All in all, it will be a year and a day of learning to structure my time in such a way that I am productive, but not rigid enough to stifle my creativity. Following through isn't my strong point at all so this should be an interesting year.

Happy New Year!

Nature is outside, stupid!

2011-10-29T20:08:00.001-05:00

My encounters with Nature are too few and too infrequent because you have to actually get out of the house for the most part. But today as I was driving back from picking up my prescriptions I saw a doe racing across a cleared corn field toward the highway. I tapped my brakes, hoping the cars in front of me would see her and do the same. They did, fortunately. She got to the side of the road, freaked out for a second, then shot across the road and tried to enter the uncleared corn field. After a few failed attempts she found a path into safety. I wondered what had her racing for her life, as it seemed. Tom informed me it's rutting season but there was no buck following her. I think she didn't like being out in an open field.

I love those moments but I don't seek them out as often as I should. I don't even need to leave my yard because I have my lovely crows, the chittering squirrels, the rat-bastard chipmunks who torment the daylights out of Professor and have had a pheasant dine at the spillage from my bird feeders before. And there have been coyotes within a block or two. Not to mention the doe I saw in the across-the-street neighbor's yard last winter. And the hawk that was sitting in the tree out front. And of course, my wonderful birds, including the cardinal family who live in the thicket between the yard and the highway.

So why don't I take advantage of it more often? I must try harder, especially as the yard needs so much attention. With the weather cooling off the neighbors won't be outside in the evenings so much and even when they are, it shouldn't force me into the house. I mean...I should be able to enjoy my yard no matter if they are outside or not.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do for Samhain this year but I am doing something. I can feel the veil thinning as I stand in front of the ancestors' altar, every time I drive by a cemetery. In fact, I think I might take a walk through one next week. Monday will be busy with picking up the new car and doing something with the old one so I won't have a lot of time to do anything. And I want to visit the Mounds so Zach and I might do that tomorrow. I guess we could swing by the cemetery in town tomorrow as well. It's a beautiful forested cemetery with walking lanes.

But no matter what I do, it will be the right thing for me. I'm not as concerned with following rituals as I used to be, and I am comfortable with winging it if I need to. I'm also thinking of starting a period of study starting on Samhain, keeping a journal of my activities, my studies and my thoughts along the way. The animal oracles were clear that I needed to formalize an "initiation" period of sorts. It didn't specify training for anything specifically, just that I needed to do that much. I like the idea. I think it will be a growing experience to study and document my progress, not to mention I could use the discipline, another thing the cards were quite firm about. It's certainly one of my weak points that I would love to make stronger.

Well, for now I'm going to bed to knit and commune with my newly re-found Goddess Brighid. I've had a really hard time connecting with her but today it all just seemed to come together, with all the other gods, too. I just had to stop overthinking it all.

ETA: I forgot about the goat I saw on the side of the road on my way home from taking Tom to work. It normally is in the enclosure with the horses but it was on the side of the road munching that "greener grass" we all hear about. I almost stopped at the house to tell them he was out, but I'm a huge chicken. He was back in the enclosure when I went to pick Tom up. But he was a handsome black goat with gorgeous horns.

BB

Just a brief note

2011-10-27T13:47:00.000-05:00

Nellie had an excellent response to my last post...as usual. More of her wonderful wisdom is available on her blog. I highly recommend reading it.

Last night was a real pain in the ass but I won't go over it again. It's on my other blog so if you're a glutton for punishment, you can read about it there.

But...we did have an amazing happening. The person who helped us find a universal charger at StuffMart was wearing a beautiful pentacle pendant that was very similar to my Green Man pendant. I'm guessing she's Pagan as well, but I didn't say anything to her although it was like meeting a fellow traveler when you're in a foreign country.

Today will be spent on the couch knitting, reading and napping. And thanking Hermes, who was the only one I could think of to call on while trekking miserably across town in the cold and dark.

BB

Doing it my way

2011-10-25T17:54:00.000-05:00

I think I'm going to stop reading about the Celtic pantheon and just worship them the way I see them. I found a really nice book about Celtic spirituality and the mythology of various gods that I really do enjoy reading. But I found out that my pronunciations are way off so the gods I've been praying to don't necessarily have the same names as the ones other people pray to. I've been pronouncing Danu, dan-oo, instead of dona, which I can't say I like at all. I prefer dan-oo. It was really discouraging. Plus I found out that Cernnunos isn't Celtic at all, but Gaulish.

I guess this is a problem with not speaking the language of the various gods, but I would have to learn about 5 different languages to get it all right. I'm guessing they know who they are and don't give a ripe shit about my lousy pronunciation as long as I give them love and devotion.

I was so discouraged last night that I just threw my hands up and prayed, before bed, that whoever out there in the ether wanted me to worship them should let me know while I slept. And I dreamed about Cernnunos. Not an ambiguous dream at all. So I guess they'll put up with my mispronunciations, my ignorance about their mythologies and histories and just accept me as I am. I mean...they called me, after all. It it were important, I'm sure they would have let me know from the beginning how to pronounce their names.

Besides, I don't think I'm the only one who gets it wrong as I've heard The Morrigan pronounced as spelled instead of The Morrian, as the books says it's pronounced.

I don't think I got any of them right. Even Lugh was apparently pronounced more like Louie than Loo. I'm going with my pronunciations

Leaving a cult

2011-10-24T20:01:00.000-05:00

It's been a week since I last posted, although I have a running commentary going on in my mind at all times. I just rarely ever get it down on paper. Or computer.

A couple of days ago I ran into a former friend from my old fundie church at StuffMart, which is my most likely place of socialization these days. She ran up to me acting like I was her best friend. I was friendly but reserved. I kept the cart between us because I didn't want a hug. Not because I don't like her, but because with my fibromyalgia, I can't handle the squeezing hugs that fundies normally do. Painful.

She made it sound like "God" had arranged our meeting because she had been working on Walk thru Bethlehem that morning. I was very closely associated with that play while there...I wrote one of the best plays they had ever had there. Not bragging...just what I was told. (Yet I wasn't allowed to get any credit for it publicly because that was seeking glory for myself although the pastor and the director got their names and pictures in the paper.) Then she was gushing about the sunset, which was magnificent I will say. But she had to go off on scientists for "trying to prove evolution was true" when it was obvious that "God" had created that sunset.

I was noncommital, but friendly. I just couldn't fake enthusiasm. Yes, I enjoyed the sunset and could do so even while believing in evolution. I happen to think the gods created evolution, but there you are.

Today while perusing the internet (sans Sims Social which I had to delete because it was messing up my computer and turning me into an addict) I ran into a video about creating new socializations after leaving a cult. Now the cult she was talking about was fundie-ville in Christianland. And yes it is a cult. I didn't listen to the video because my computer isn't a fan of long videos and creates a huge lag but the title alone gave me a lot of room for thought. So, even acknowledging that I probably have social anxiety, it's conceivable that I developed it because I was in a cult. I had no friends outside fundie-ville, didn't seek friends outside that locale, and was afraid to hear what anyone outside my compound might have to say. I avoided any documentaries that questioned Christianity, wouldn't read any books that disagreed with my brand of it and avoided any conversations that required me to think out exactly what it is I believed.

And that, my friends, is what a cult is all about. I heard from the pulpit, from the teachers in bible study, from casual conversations, from the internet to avoid anyone who would tell me things that didn't line up with what I was taught in church. I knew what books to avoid and relied on the teachers to tell me what the bible meant and what I was to believe.

Until it came to Harry Potter. Oh, I bought into it for a long time, believing all they said it was about until I actually read the books for myself. I got to wondering just what it was they read because it was nothing like what they said Harry Potter was. Then I tended to view other things they said with a more skeptical eye. Still staying within the cult mentality though.

But since leaving, I don't know how to make friends. I've got a few internet friends but they tend to come and go as interests change and people grow. But in real life friends are impossible for me to make. And I think it's because of the damage of living within a cult for 22 years or so. That kind of stuff scars you...badly.

That being said, there may be a Pagan meetup in Madison in November that I'd like to go to as it's on the east side, which is all I know of Madison. Pending reliable transportation, that is. Zach has agreed to go with me so I'm not walking into the restaurant alone.

It's time to stop letting fundamentalism keep me from having a life. It's time I stopped letting my fears rule me. And I've got a few weeks to gain the courage to get in the truck and go.

I'll admit that I despise Christianity. Not Christians per se, as not all of them are arrogant, whiney, assholes. But the whole system itself is damaging, even within the liberal perspective. You can't add sugar and chocolate to shit in order to make it more palatable. It's still going to make you ill. Or worse.

But then again, I am a bitter old crone.

BB

Beginning the preparations

2011-10-17T17:36:00.001-05:00

I'm behind on setting up my Samhain altar but I did manage to dig out the ancestors' pictures for the wall above it. As I spent the day running errands, I won't get much done today but hopefully tomorrow at the latest I'll have it ready. I really like this time of year, this kind of festival. You can feel the veil thinning, the energy escaping from beyond. This weekend Zach and I plan to go to the Mounds to offer up a sacrifice to the ancestors there. They aren't my Native American ancestors but they are ancestors that deserve honoring. Mine are too far away, being from the southwest but I feel certain that these will adopt me as their own, no matter how miniscule the Native American contribution to my DNA.

I also hope to have some pictures up some time this week, of my altars and my Halloween decorations. And hopefully will take pictures of our journey through the Mounds. I don't plan on going there on Samhain. At least not this year. I want to focus more on settling in with the Celtic gods who have called me and been so patient waiting for me to accept their offer. I think I finally have.

I was reading on a Greek reconstructionist place on the internet and was astonished to read them talking about inactive proselytizing as a way to increase the members of their group. They even called it an outreach and used Christian paradigms as a way to do this proselytizing. One member was outraged but the others seemed okay with it. They want to increase their numbers to be competitive with Christianity, it seems. I think this is a large part of why I can't seem to connect with the Greek gods longer than a day or two. There is too much going on of late that reminds me of Christianity, including their disdain for Pagans out there. One of the statements was that since the Greek gods were perfect, there was no need for any other gods. I know they meant that those who worshiped the Greek gods, but it smacked ever so strongly of fundamentalism. And it nauseated me. Maybe not all Greek recons are like that but this was enough to make me back far away.

I know the gods are not the same as their followers but I am a bit gun shy about being associated with any group that is that dogmatic. Not to mention I really hate all the deconstruction of what the gods believe, who they are, what is the proper way to worship, etc. Why make it that hard? I don't mind good conversations, but why make it so hard to be a worshiper?

So I think my visits with the Greeks might be few and far between from now on. Besides, there are many more gods to visit from time to time. Debra suggested the Hindu gods. And I've been fascinated by the Norse gods most of my life, too. Plus I've been intrigued by the South American Native gods, too. Not to mention the Native American gods here.

Speaking of which...I watched Navajo Cops on National Geographic this weekend and loved it. Mostly for the acceptance they had of their spiritual beliefs and how they had to manage them when faced with obstacles in their jobs. What was intriguing was the skinwalkers and how they take them seriously. One cop demonstrated what he did for protection before going on his job. I'll watch this show in the future.

Well, I should get some work done, including fixing supper so maybe I'll be able to sit down and read a bit before I turn on the tv for knitting. I've decided I have to give up my Sims game on facebook because it's sucking the life out of me and taking up too much time. There is so much more I want to do out there besides making an imaginary home.

BB

Nostalgia

2011-10-11T15:25:00.000-05:00

I'm getting genuinely excited about Samhain, one of my favorite festivals of the year. It's also drawing me in a distinctly Celtic direction and creating an interest in learning more about the Celtic myths and history. Letting the path guide me instead of me directing the path has been a very interesting experience.

But one thing keeps popping up for me is that my pull toward the Greeks never seems to last long. It's like I stop in for a visit, as you would relatives who live far away. Thinking about my last post, about re-reading books from my past, gave me much to ponder about the past. And it occurred to me that the Greeks were the gods of my youth even though I never worshiped them as such. But they were my passion and I spent many a daydream-filled afternoon wishing I lived in the times when they were worshiped. Of course, as a Christian and a child, I never really believed they existed...or did I? Perhaps in the depths of my mind, I did believe in them.

But I came to a realization that the pull I feel toward them is more nostalgic in nature. When I heed that call, I enjoy the first few days until the novelty wears off and I long for the Celtic gods and the culture that goes with them. It's like a visit that has lasted too long. Guests, like fish, lose their freshness after a few days after all.

Still, it's nice to visit now and then, but my heart does truly lie with the Celtic/druid/eclectic path. When I left Christianity, I told myself that any spiritual path I took must feel as natural as breathing and only this path provides that for me.

I do hope that I'm done with wavering and meandering all over the path. It's good for a while, but sometimes you want to make progress toward your destination. And right now, I'm tired of wandering. But if I get wanderlust again, I will not hesitate to visit the Greeks, or maybe even the Norse gods, or whoever invites me for a vacation.

BB

Re-reading from the past

2011-10-07T14:19:00.000-05:00

When I was in grade school, I was reading from the adult section of the library more than the children's section. I was always fascinated with Roman and Greek history and mythology so Edith Hamilton's Greek Mythology was a frequent companion. I also read a book called A Pillar of Iron by Taylor Caldwell about Cicero, a book which created an image of him that I admired. I thought I would re-read the book from a Pagan perspective, and a liberal one.

What tripe! She has created a fictional figure who was a Christian before Christ, a near-mythological figure whose meteoric rise in politics was ordained by God and whose politics are reminiscent of the John Birch Society...an organization the author was a member of. A largely famous quotation is attributed to Cicero by the Tea Party that is in fact something Caldwell made up for her character. It's pretty much a party-line meme about how the poor won't work and want to live off the government.

So...while I'm not a book-burner or want to ban any books, this one is going in the trash. It's old, the pages are so thin they tear when I turn the page and the pages are yellowed so badly the print is barely discernable. But the bottom line is I wouldn't want anyone else to grab hold of this book and think it was a good book.

I have plenty to read from the library and since this is a personal book, (I would never throw away a library book!) it's my prerogative to throw it away. She also has some facts wrong about the religion of the Romans but I'm not going to go into that as that would take a lot more reading and notations and I just couldn't be bothered to do all that.

I have two more books I read in the past that are in my book bag. One is The Grass Crown and the other is I, Claudius. I'm just curious to see how these books read as a Pagan. Last time I read them I was a Christian.

I'm enjoying the weather lately. We've had temps in the 70s and low 80s with a nice breeze. If I wasn't going through a horrendous fatigue cycle right now I would be outside enjoying it more. As it is, I'm not doing much of anything. Except reading. My knitting has been put aside for a couple of days due to the fatigue because I've determined not to fight it anymore, but to ride it out. I'm experimenting to see if the cycle will be shorter if I don't try to fight my way through it. We'll see how that works.

This is the first year we've decorated for Halloween. I haven't done a lot...just a table with an orange throw on it that I crocheted last year with a lantern a jack o lantern candle holder, a black LED candle and a black rose. I'll try to get pictures soon. It's one of many things I would like to start doing more of, including pencil sketching and hopefully, painting. Not to mention dyeing my hand spun Welsh top and preparing my Shetland fleece for spinning. I actually get excited about doing things, but having the energy to do them is preventing me from getting started. Again...maybe I use up most of what I have in fighting it. We'll see.

In the meantime, I'm spending more time in ritual than I have done in the past, enjoying the time spent at my altar more and more. Not sure what I'm going to do for Samhain just yet. I'm not overly concerned about it; something will happen. I've been looking at the Greek celebrations and really do like some of them. There is a Libation to Poseidon on Saturday and although I don't have wine I'll figure something out. Or maybe I'll just go pick up a small bottle of wine. I can't drink because of medication but it would be nice to have wine for rituals. And a sip of wine now and then is okay with the dr. I'll just go with what my instincts are telling me.

But for now, my body is telling me to take a nap. I only got 3 hours of sleep last night and I won't be able to function without one.

BB

Unfolding

2011-10-05T17:18:00.000-05:00

I can't say that I've worked much on the social anxiety thing because I've been pretty busy with the pain and fatigue that always comes with changing seasons. Damned fibromyalgia. But it's an issue that is on my mind and I will work on it. Last week I didn't have my usual companion because Zach didn't want to go anywhere so I had to go by myself. I did stick to my safe places, though. But at least I went out alone.

Lately I've been just dealing with the debilitating fatigue that is much worse for me than the pain. Except in the middle of the night when I can't sleep because of it. Which leads, of course, to the fatigue. But today Zach and I were talking about awareness and it occurred to me that I am just sleepwalking through life. I don't pay attention to Nature or people around me. I'm just barely making it through the day. I'd really like to be more in tune with Nature...spending time observing Her in all Her glory, paying attention to the lessons She has for me. I'd settle for just making it through the day, though.

One area in which I am succeeding is letting the Path unfold before me. It's taking odd turns now and then and instead of fighting the wheel, I'm letting the vehicle take the turns on its own. More and more I find the Greeks calling me. I got some books from the library on Celtic mythology but they sat on my table unopened until it was time to take them back. I did, however, read my Greek mythology books and historical fiction. Actually it was Roman historical fiction. I've discovered that historical fiction about the Celts or Druids doesn't interest me at all, but I haven't found a book on the Greeks or Romans that I can walk away from.

What I have had to do, though, is avoid anything to do with Greek Reconstruction, as that totally spoils it for me. It becomes an entirely different religion or spiritual path if the rules are set in stone. Or if I have to follow a rigid path because that's the way the ancients did it. I'm inclined to think the gods didn't stagnate so we shouldn't either. Any form of reconstructionism just reminds me too much of the life I left behind. And I'm trying very hard to avoid anything that smacks of "my way or the highway" theology. Had that, thankyouverymuch, and never want to have it again.

For now, I'm still not committing to anything, letting the carpet unfold beneath me (red, of course) and enjoying the journey. If I end up with a mish-mash of Celtic-Greek spirituality, it's all good. Or if I end up one or the other, I will have had a journey of discovery and enlightenment. It's still all good.

Paralyzed by fear

2011-09-24T16:21:00.000-05:00

Dark Mother brought up something in the comments about putting things off instead of just doing them so instead of writing a book in the comment section, I thought I would address it here.

I have had a fear of failure all my life. Not a normal fear that I might fail. A debilitating fear that has left me paralyzed at times and unable to move forward. I did manage to overcome it at times, like when I joined the Navy or when I moved across country to live with a boyfriend who turned out to be a real jerk. Or several years ago when I sang solos in church or was part of the drama team...mostly behind the scenes though.

But I have had intervals when I just couldn't move forward. Like now. I was in therapy for a while for a variety of reasons and we touched on this but nothing much came of any kind of treatment. Now I seem to be in paralysis again, unable to leave the house except for my safe places and safe people. For some reason, the people at Wendy's make me comfortable and I'll drop in there frequently for a soda or a salad or a cup of chili, just to have someone to talk to or a safe place to read a book.

I can shop, go to the doctor, library and several other places, but the thought of going to the Pagan Pride Day picnic fills me with abject terror at the notion of driving there and walking into a group of people I don't know. Several years ago I went to a knitting night at a nearby town's yarn store and ended up leaving sick to my stomach because no one spoke to me. It's been one of the problems I've had ever since I left the Navy and became a stay at home mom. Finding friends has been a horrendous experience. Moreso now that I no longer have a church to attend.

Not that I found friends there. I was talking to Zach last night and told him that I knew I had to leave our fundie church when I stopped "greeting" people and discovered that no one came to "greet" me. In 5+ years at that church, I walked away without a single phone call from anyone. I would run into some people from time to time and they would be friendly, but no one called to find out what was wrong or why we left. It was as if we had never existed.

This adds to my difficulties in finding friends because I expect that kind of treatment from everyone. When I talk of not being able to make friends, I don't mean that I'm just shy. I mean that I become physically ill at the thought of opening my mouth and introducing myself or beginning a conversation. Abject terror. Irrational fears.

I don't know why it's gotten worse as I've gotten older but I'm nearly a recluse now. Even maintaining relationships online is a struggle for me, as Tana will attest. I disappear from time to time, withdrawing from everyone because I just can't cope with the intensity of being in a friendship.

So it's not just that I can't move forward and get things done. I am paralyzed at times and can't even live life. I thought last night what a shame it's been that I lost the last 10 years of my life hiding inside myself. I wish I knew the answer to solving this problem.

The bright light in this dark period of my life has been the path my spirituality has taken. I have found refuge in the arms of Danu and the strength of Cernnunos and the creativity of Lugh. Now it is up to me to lean on that strength and not just allow myself to move forward but to push myself outside my comfort zone. I still have that abject terror but it's easier knowing I'm not alone.

BB

Happy Mabon, Autumn Equinox, Alban Elfed, etc...

2011-09-23T19:44:00.000-05:00

I really just call it the Autumn Equinox, because I'm not comfortable calling it Mabon for a variety of reasons. I'm far from following a reconstructionist path, but I do like to base my way of doing things on how they might have been done in times past. Not having that information, I try to be intuitive instead of trying to decide it was done this way or that way. I like to think that the ancestors would have expected us to make our celebrations and rituals our own instead of doing things the way they had always been done. I got enough of that attitude as a Baptist. It was the Baptist mantra, in fact.

I probably won't do anything elaborate tonight. I'm tired, achy from the change in weather that is affecting both my arthritis and my fibromyalgia. And there are some allergy issues with my nose going on as well. Still, I plan on lots of candles, lots of silence and plenty of prayer and talking to the gods. I tend to babble if I'm just left on my own so I like that I have prayers and rituals I can follow and adapt to my purpose. I love, love, love being eclectic and going where I'm led to go. Very liberating.

I hope to get some pictures of various altars and outside areas and such in the future. Zach and I are addressing our eating habits and trying to feed ourselves spiritually as well, thinking that we can't address one area where we're overindulging and the other where we're starving. Zach doesn't follow any deities but has a great reverence for Nature herself. I would like to take Nature walks at least once a week. We tend to hide away indoors, both of us being introverts, and the world goes on without us.

Not far from here are Indian Mounds and I would like to use that place as a spiritual retreat of sorts. There is a path, information about the Mounds and the marsh not far from there. It's beautiful and really gives off a spiritual essence. I would like to connect with the ancestors, having some Native American ancestors myself, although they are from the Southwest, being Chiricahua Apache, but ancestors are ancestors.

Plus I've been noticing that I'm developing a connection with the land spirits on our property and I'd like to get to know the land spirits on sacred land as well. I think the marsh has a great deal of spiritual energy that I would also like to explore. Living less than a half mile from the marsh has its advantages. Mosquitoes not being one of them.

I just have to actually stop thinking about doing things and do them. My biggest failing in life is being a dreamer and not a doer. I live with possibilities and never try to realize them. The cards told me about this a couple of weeks ago and I have yet to heed their advice. But I am getting closer. I look at the Equinox as a beginning place. In fact I look at all the Sabbats as beginning places for me. It's so nice to have so many do-overs in a year.

Well, time to finish up supper and go light the candles.

BB

Autumn is coming!

2011-09-16T18:20:00.000-05:00

Now that the prayer cootie drama is behind me, I'm looking forward to the Autumnal Equinox for more reasons than it's the evening of my birthday. Although I will admit that adds to the excitement. I haven't heeded the message the cards gave me a couple of weeks ago but it's ever on my mind. This weekend will go toward cleaning house in preparation, setting up my Autumn altar and lots of study and knitting. This is how I plan on getting through this cold I'm doing my best to catch. Once the house is clean, I'll park myself on the couch and do nothing more...aside from some healthy cooking. Zach and I have both reached that moment when you're ready to start something new. We've never reached it at the same time before so we decided we'd better strike while the iron is hot.

He's going to help me set up the altar outdoors since there will most likely be no more mowing for the season. Or at least only one more at the most. And he's going to do hard labor getting the second garden turned and cultivated before winter sets in. And next weekend we'll harvest the tobacco for Tom. I'm saving some of the leaves...the best ones...as an offering both for the land spirits and for the Indian Mounds outside of town when we celebrate Samhain.

I'm also determined to spend more time in crafts. The cards have long been telling me to do that and I really must heed their advice. Photography should be something I include in that group of crafting. I got a new camera for Beltane and haven't used it yet. Zach has but I haven't.

I've also been picking up a few Halloween decorations. We never celebrated it while Zach was growing up because I had been taught that it was an "evil" occasion but I'm more excited about it than Christmas. I can't afford everything but I picked up a lantern, a spider for Zach's room and a battery-operated candle for the window sill. I plan on using that for my Samhain vigil as well. I keep a candle lit in the window sill from Samhain until Yule. Just something that came to me...nothing I read or heard that was something that was done. I think of it as a vigil for the ancestors. It also is good discipline for me and helps me set up good habits for ritual. The candle I used last year was vanilla scented and I had headaches the whole time.

ANd so it's time for me to go lie down while supper is cooking and the laundry is finishing. I'll call it a night pretty soon so my body can heal from this cold. I need to learn to stop pushing myself and let myself rest when I need to. It's prejudices from long ago that if I give in to this fatigue, I'm being weak and I need to re-set my thinking and be more aware of what my body is telling me.

So much to learn.

BB

Out of the comfort zone is a good place to be

2011-09-15T12:52:00.000-05:00

As I mentioned in the comment section previously, I have left the group I was in, but oddly not over religion. The bottom line for me was that I had changed too much and time was too short to sit in a room with people I didn't like. The ones I liked, I was already "friends" with on facebook so it wasn't like I wasn't going to be seeing them again. Some I just didn't have an opinion on...good to see them, not sure I had enough in common with them to develop a relationship but if they friend me, we'll have a go at it. The rest are still the hard-ass fundamentalist bitches they always were. Bowing to the altar of Ayn Rand and J.C. as if they were compatible. Besides they were afraid of catching prayer cooties from me so fuck 'em. Not spending one more moment in their company.

I do still have some fundamentalist friends who are dear to me but they love me for who I am, not in spite of who I am. I love that about them. And they don't stick their noses in the air and ask me not to pray for them, even though I know their beliefs are just as strong as the fundies who like to remind everyone how holy they are. And we just don't talk about politics because...what's the point?

One thing did happen that I had to think about before posting again. A really good friend, pretty liberal, and to be honest, the driving force in me seeing what a terrible person I was regarding the poor and non-Christians and without an unkind word said to me about it, said that this blog made her uncomfortable. One thing I decided when I started this blog that it would be painfully honest. Honest about my faults, problems and honest about how I felt about things. One of those things happens to be Christianity, and I do try to be honest and not just vent in bitterness and anger. So I felt a bit uncomfortable knowing that people I did care about were upset that I was attacking their belief system.

And yet, there are parts of that system that damaged me, my son and others I know beyond repair. It's fortunate that the parts my son and I have that are damaged aren't debilitating, but others I know have lost everything, including their lives due to the thing Christianity has become. So as much as I love them, I won't stop. That would be dishonest. Yet I don't intend this to be nothing but a Christian-bashing blog either. I have had my share of concerns about aspects of Paganism as well, and I've tried to be honest about that, too.

Bottom line is, I have to learn that I can't live my life trying to please everyone, nor can I realistically let friendships overshadow honesty, because that's not honest. Poor Tana, has had to listen to my rants against her belief system for quite a while now and while I really, really ache that I do this to her, she understands that I'm not criticizing her in all of this, but merely trying to find some healing.

I also decided when I started this blog not to worry about readership. I would like to have more readers because I would love to have more input and develop relationships with others who either are like-minded or respectful about our differences. But I have learned that writing this blog for me is more important than writing this blog so I'll get people to read it. For me, that's a huge leap toward maturity and peace of mind.

So...I love that people read, sorry if anyone is uncomfortable reading but then, I am probably more uncomfortable writing this than you are reading it, and hope that those of you who do drop in from time to time will just share the journey with me in any fashion you choose.

BB

Do I stay or do I go

2011-09-13T15:22:00.001-05:00

Another fundie jumped in and said, very sweetly, that she wouldn't pray with us either because according to her bible (so as not to actually say according to her own beliefs), we were praying to Satan and so, of course, she couldn't pray to him. Then she went on to betray her lack of confidence in her own religion by saying she would always be wondering whose prayers got through. But she said it in love, so what can I say?

Well, a lot actually, but I won't. Because it's not my intention to dissuade her from her own beliefs or proselytize her to my way of thinking. Nor is it my place to do either. The gods call whom they will; they don't tell me to make the phone calls for them.

But it does get old, the old Satan thing. Unfortunately I did that when I was a fundie which is another reason I'm not going ape-shit on them. I was just as obnoxious as they are being. Even if they smile sweetly and tell me how much they love me because I do remember how we were taught to "tell the truth in love." Which was christianese for telling people they were sinning big time and to stop the hell doing it. With a smile.

So...for now they're talking about other stuff. One woman is struggling with a son who probably has Tourette Syndrome and already knows he has ADHD and OCD, which become the triple run with TS. It's a package deal. A...trinity...if you will. I told her the ADHD drugs will exacerbate the tics of people with TS which is part of her problem because her son's tics are so much worse on the meds. So that was a good conversation.

I do like most of the women in the group and it's been great being back in touch with them so I probably will stay for now. But I can't help feeling like I have to participate from the closet because my beliefs are offensive to some of them. It's not that they're saying I shouldn't share my beliefs, but insinuating that I'm a Satan-worshiper really puts a damper on the conversation.

Being a recluse has kept me from dealing with these issue up until now and while part of me wants to bully through and tell them to shove it, I've got as much right to talk about my spiritual path, the better part of me tells me to just wear my beliefs closer to the vest and maintain a low spiritual path until the time is right. So I will continue to sit on my hands until I feel welcome. But if I never feel welcome, then maybe that isn't the group for me.

BB

Wait for it

2011-09-12T19:15:00.000-05:00

It didn't take long for the fundies to rear their head in the new group I'm in. Well...fund-y. So far only one person has jumped in and it wasn't in response to me. Another woman had mentioned that she no longer believed in Jesus, didn't believe he existed, let alone died for our sins, and followed the Torah exclusively. This was in response to someone asking her specifically what she believed...namely the fundy. So the fundy is "sad" but not pitying that the woman is no longer a Christian but won't pray with those of us who aren't because she believes in the TRINITY and therefore can't pray with anyone who isn't praying to him/them.

Personally I came to the conclusion before I left my fundie church that Christians were polytheists because the whole three in one thing isn't in the Bible at all, not even in concept. It's another one of those things that we've been taught is in there, but isn't.

So I sat on my hands and didn't respond to her. I had had problems with her in the past with her holier-than-thou attitudes. Fortunately some of the others are gently calling her out on it. I expect a flounce soon if she's like she used to be.

Personally I'm pretty darned happy with my spiritual path...excited, even. But I'm not going to go out there and insist everyone does it my way or I'm going to throw a hissy and not pray with them. One other person attempted to tell her that her path was wrong, but she's the one I unfriended before so I just shrugged that off. I've been chatting online with another friend from there who is super-cool and even stuck with me back when I was an obnoxious fundie. That's friendship.

I'm not getting ready for Mabon as well as I had hoped. But wherever I end up in my preparations will be enough because I don't need to raise the bar so high I can't hop over it.

In the meantime, until my brain comes back for a visit, I'm still praying, lighting candles and meditating for seconds on end.

BB

A surprise visit from the past

2011-09-10T15:35:00.001-05:00

I've had an interesting turn of events in my life in the past 24 hours. Years ago I was in an email loop with some friends I knew from a Christian forum on AOL. We were probably in the loop for at least 7 years or so before things started falling apart. People got busy, lost interest, etc. Well, one of the women on that group, besides being one of the best people in the world, is a friend on facebook and has set up a revival of the group on facebook. I was added to the group last night. I had misgivings, especially since I'm no longer Christian but so far things are going very well. Not everyone is in the same place they were 5 years ago when I left the group so it's a pleasure to see some of their "faces" again.

I do still have misgivings, especially in light of having to unfriend one of them a while back because of her nasty comments about gays in regards to my son. But for the most part, I did love these women like sisters even though we are no longer "Sisters in Christ" (the name of our email loop.)

Times have changed all of us, I hope. I know not all of them are still Christians, some have stayed within Christianity but have opted for a more liberal version of it and some are still very much fundamentalists. I'm going to give it a go and try my best. Maybe this is the way for me to overcome the bitterness I have toward Christianity. I admit it's been softening up for the most part, only to flare up when something from my past association enters the picture. I do still have a great deal of fondness for St. Mark's and still think from time to time of visiting there again. Until I remember how early in the morning their services are. LOL!

But it's time I moved on and left the pains of the past behind me and allow myself to enjoy the path I'm on now. As long as I'm captive to the past, I'm not as free as I need to be to enjoy the present.

I did find out that one of them, another friend on fb, has been reading this blog as well as my mundane one. She's always been one of the special ones who has never been obnoxious about her own beliefs so I wondered if she was bothered by the things I've said here about Christianity. I'm not going to ask her because everything I said here was from my heart and as honest as I could be for myself, but I would still regret if I caused any one of my Christian friends pain.

Still, I'm not going to go back and change a word of anything I've said. Because I did mean it and probably still mean most of it. It's hard sometimes to distinguish between the various kinds of Christians out there and while I still do have issues with any religious system (and we're talking more than just Christianity here) which insists they and they alone have all truth, I have to acknowledge that not everyone who believes that is obnoxious or arrogant. And we certainly have our share of those elements within Paganism. Just sayin'.

So I will participate with these women, ignore those who want to preach and enjoy those who love me for who I am, and not love me in spite of who I am. Which is an issue I wish I could resolve on the family level as well, but that's another story. Because those who love you in spite of who you are have a tendency to want to fix you so you are more in line with who they want you to be. Again...just sayin'.

BB

Learning about prayer

2011-09-07T17:49:00.000-05:00

I'm having a hard time making progress with my studies. Once again I wish for a door that locked. And maybe soundproofing. Today I was studying prayer and was interrupted at least 13 times in the space of an hour. It's a toss up between the dog and the husband which one did it more. I know I could study when he's gone but since I can't work on the house while he's home, I use that time to get things done. I might have to change that around though. Maybe I should just stop cleaning the house. That would free up some time.

I have learned a lot about prayer in spite of the frequent interruptions. Very useful things, in fact. I admit that I never "got" prayer as a fundamentalist/evangelical, mostly because the whole notion of "praying without ceasing" and "asking in faith" never made any sense to me. I could never pray for hours at a time like the really holy people did. In fact, I never really knew what to say to "God" at all. I mean, if he was omnipotent, omniscient, and omnipresent, why did he need me to tell him anything anyway? And as for asking...just how many times was I supposed to ask? It seemed to me that the incessant intercessory prayer thing was merely piling on God until he cried "uncle!"

I never ever felt connected to God through prayer at all. Ever. And of course, I thought it was all my fault, that I was deficient somehow. So it's odd how, even though I didn't really have any sense of how or what to pray about to the deities who have called me to them, I felt a connection anyway. And that connection seems even stronger and clearer as I learn more about how to do it. I love that I can use pre-written prayers instead of mumbling and bumbling, trying to think of something wise and witty to say. I love that I can pre-write those prayers, too. That was one thing I did love about the Episcopal Church. The prayers already written down for me. Sadly they didn't form the connection I desired though.

I love forming this relationship with my gods in a steadily growing way. I finally feel like I'm taking the right steps on my path. And while I still pray occasionally to the Greeks, I find that connection is strongest with the Celtic gods, even though I don't know them as well. I got a book in from the library today about Celtic mythology and plan on delving into it tonight. I'm hoping to set aside time each night for study as well as morning. I do have the time if I will just schedule it better.

As Mabon races toward us (and with it my birthday) I'm hoping to actually celebrate a festival on the wheel instead of just planning it. My cards today, which were asked of the gods what they want to tell me, were a bit tough but necessary, about how I do a lot of planning and dreaming but very little action to go along with it. How I need to use my intuition more and rely on my talents instead of letting myself lapse into a coma instead. Even my animal oracle cards confirmed it. Harsh, but necessary.

Off to try to get some things done before bedtime.

BB

Weekend ponderings

2011-08-29T15:31:00.000-05:00

I did take the weekend off as far as cleaning and cooking went but I spent a great deal of energy on stress-related things and pondering my spiritual path. No matter how hard I try, the stress-related stuff just gets to me and I can't meditate it away. One thing being Tom has gone back to using my altar as a table for his food and drink while he comes into the living room to watch tv. Instead of sitting on the couch, he sits on the ottoman and puts his food and drink on the altar. I have tried in the past to impress on him the sacredness of the altar but I think this is his way of establishing his territory. He doesn't really recognize that there is any place in the house that isn't his. Since mentioning it to him again will be an exercise in futility, not to mention it pisses him off to be criticized, I just will keep my mouth shut and pick up after him. He left his dirty glass and crumbs all over it last night so as soon as he went upstairs, I cleaned it up and offered up a prayer to the gods hoping they wouldn't be offended.

One of my struggles on this journey has been leaving behind habits and thought-patterns that are burdening my spirit. Such as this nearly obsessive need to follow the "rules" of a particular religion. It's hard to be eclectic and forge your own path when you keep wandering back to the well-established path. I keep finding my heart drawn to the Greek/Roman deities and yet the only "community" I can find is reconstructionist, which is too claustrophobic for me. My heart is also still with things of Nature and the Celtic traditions I've come to know and love. So this weekend I've been thinking, studying, meditating upon those things that I love in both areas and trying to figure out what my path is regarding them.

I'm still a bit in flux but my time spent with the Greek/Roman deities this weekend has been marvelous. Without defining them as the reconstructionists do, I spoke to them as the gods I remembered from my childhood and from the wonderful stories I grew up on. Within those parameters, I found them accessible, awe-inspiring and even a bit intimdating. But definitely not rigid and demanding. I never got the sense that things had to be done just so.

And I do point out that my problem isn't with reconstructionists because they can only worship their gods as they feel they must. My problem is my incessant need to belong to a group that has rules that create boundaries that I take to the extreme, using them not as guidelines but as prison walls.

I'm spending time studying divination right now. Spells or magic will come later as I feel the need. I know that in some circles magic is hubris to the Greek gods I'm not feeling those boundaries. Nor do I feel a need to limit the gods to a specific time frame and insist that they never grew beyond that era. I'm pretty neo in my orthopraxy to be honest. Every religion evolves over time to stay relevant with the people who observe it. At least that's my thinking.

Now off to more studies and getting some cleaning done. Today is Hekate's deipnon, a time in which the house is cleansed and purified from the old, stale, gone-bad stuff. It's actually a refreshing feeling to get rid of stuff that needs to be thrown out.

I found a necklace this weekend that I loved. It's a peacock, which is one of the animals Hera is associated with. And so far the chain hasn't broken me out.

BB

Taking the weekend off

2011-08-26T12:34:00.001-05:00

I only got about 45 minutes of sleep last night due to an anxiety attack over the cancer meds the surgeon doesn't want to refill for me. He said it would be a couple of days and he would get back to me but this is the third day and still no phone call. In light of my oncologist saying to him that my cancer is in danger of coming back I don't know why he doesn't want to refill the meds. Sure, no one knows whether or not they still are doing anything since it's been 7 years since I started taking them but since there is no evidence it doesn't work and since I am still cancer-free and since I have had zero side effects, I don't see what the problem is. Fretting about this kept me from sleeping although I'm pretty sure I'll get a nap in this afternoon.

I bought a dehydrator for Tom's tobacco last night. I couldn't go to the store during the day because I was waiting on the phone call that never came and couldn't go this morning for the same reason so I went last night. Zach went with me and held the trunk lid up so I could air up the "spare" tire. It registered 0 before I put any air in it. I'll check again in a few days to see if it's holding air or if there is a leak somewhere.

Anyway...dehydrator. I'm thinking I can use it to dry my herbs once I grow them. Or if I can grow them. I've had rosemary growing for about 5 months now and I have one tiny little plant that doesn't even come close to resembling rosemary except for the scent. I need to get my Encylopedia of Country Living out and read up on it. And other herbs.

I've got several tomato plants that fell over during the last rain, which wasn't hard at all but for some reason created enough weight on the plants that they broke off and fell over. I'm not having a good gardening year. The tobacco is pasty green instead of lush green, almost like they've gotten too much water but I haven't watered them but once in two months. We've had lots of rain but the garden drains well so I don't know if it's just that brand of tobacco or what the problem is. Tom is going to cultivate it this weekend. He has today off for his sister's wedding which means he has tomorrow off as well.

I managed to work a bit on the bathroom curtain but I suspect it will be just as heavy and a blanket. Still, I'm not starting over anymore. It will just have to do. I won't be getting much cleaning done this weekend with Tom home but maybe I'll just take this opportunity to rest on the couch with my knitting and some dvds. I'm watching Goblet of Fire with all the extras. I turned it off last night because I was trying to stay awake until it occurred to me that I should...duh...just go to sleep. I slept for all of 10 minutes before I woke up again.

So this weekend will be largely spent on the couch because I haven't done that in ages and since I can...

ETA: Sigh...I did it again...posted the wrong entry to the wrong blog. I really do need the weekend off.

BB

Birthing pains

2011-08-22T14:01:00.000-05:00

It was a very difficult and emotionally upsetting weekend so I just decided to wait it out and start fresh today. I've always looked at Monday as the first day of the week rather than Sunday which was always a crummy day anyway because I had to get up early for church, struggle to stay awake during a boring sermon and then do preparations for the coming week. Monday is when it starts for me.

So this morning I lit my candles, said some prayers, meditated for a brief time and then read my cards. Normally I just pull one card out of the Tarot deck and one out of my Druid Animal Oracle deck and see how they mesh. Normally they don't as my cards were still very much not speaking to me aside from getting the 10 of swords with amazing regularity. Nor surprising as firstborn had betrayed me fairly recently and probably continues to do so.

(A little history of my relationship with Tarot: when I was in the Navy I learned to read them, mostly intuitively, but I did pretty well with it and had a good report of accuracy. But after leaving the Navy I met and became close friends with some very fundamentalist Christians and so "recommitted" my life to Christ. I think that was about the 10th time I had done that in my life. It's something Christians do when they feel like there's been a distance between them and their god. They also have been known to get rebaptized. I did that as well. Twice. So my friends convinced me that Tarot was evil, inviting demons into my life and that I should dispose of them in an elaborate ritual that they helped me with. Because of that, I've been having trouble with Tarot responding to me at present.)

So this morning as I sat down to shuffle my cards, with the scented oil in the air, I felt much different while shuffling and decided to do a 3 card spread instead. The results were pretty much spot on, especially as they connected to each other. I'll just post what I wrote in my divination journal.

Recent past: 10 of swords...could be firstborn is still betraying me but I think it's more likely Tom going behind my back to write a check for a larger amount than we agreed to compromise on, the amount being exactly what he intended to write in the first place, not telling me but me finding out by looking at the checkbook...not the first time he has gone behind my back to betray me so I think this card is a warning to watch myself

Present: Temperance...I got this card a few days ago so the message still stands...as I intend to begin a new life today, the card is a reminder of moderation, frugality and balance.

Near future: 9 of pentacles...shows success, accomplishment and abundance but since Temperance is the preceding card, staying the course is essential.

Druid Animal Oracle card: The Goose (Giadh)...the question was what do I need to be alert to as a possible obstacle on my course..the goose represents a mate or relationship partner so in light of the 10 of swords I believe this to be a warning not to let Tom sabotage my efforts at weight loss and spiritual growth, which he has done a lot of in the past. Nor let my fears regarding him prevent me from moving forward and achieving my goals. One of the reasons I don't let myself lose weight is because he has told me in the past that he appreciates my efforts to lose weight "for him." As if everything I do is "for him." If I wear make up, it's "for him." It doesn't help to tell him that I'm doing it for me, he still believes it's "for him." I need to be strong and not let him prevent me from doing things for myself.

The Goose is also a reminder to stay both grounded and spiritual and that I must look after myself.

Seriously, this is the clearest the cards have spoken to me since my Navy days. And I don't want this to be a post bashing my husband. I'm just stating the facts. Mostly this is about me and my inability to stand up for myself or protect or defend myself. I'm far too dependent on him for both my financial needs and my self-worth issues...of which I actually have none. I devoted too many years of my life to his needs and wants and put myself last in an effort to be a "good Christian wife." None of which he asked me to do. As a result I feel I have lost myself and part of my goal in this new life I am birthing today is to become more independent, to make my own decisions without his permission and to find a life outside of him. In my real life I don't have a single friend outside this house. And although I have my own interests, his always seem to come first.

But...in light of this recent situation, and looking back at other, similar, situations, I must also learn to guard my heart more closely, be less trusting because unfortunately, he has proven to me that I can't trust him to be honest and fair with me. I think that's what the cards are telling me...to put up protective barriers that keep me from getting conned again. Not just by him, but by other family members who have done things behind my back to hurt me.

This is going to be a painful birth process, I can tell.

BB

Depression sucks the soul out of you

2011-08-19T18:27:00.000-05:00

My book is on its way here and is now in Wisconsin. Should be here tomorrow, I hope. I actually was hoping it wouldn't come today because I had errands to run and Tom is off work so he would have been here when the mail came. I don't hide stuff from him, but I don't feel like I have to run to him to ask permission either. I'm not a big spender and most of my purchases are under $20, sometimes under $10. Still I didn't want to have that conversation with him where I felt like I had to justify any spending I do for myself.

I've been doing a lot of pondering on how badly I manage my time during the day and how little I get done because of it. It's not just the chores that aren't getting done, it's the fun stuff, too. I would love to set aside time each day for study, drawing, practicing piano, etc. But instead of doing it, I just whine about having no energy to do it. Depression really interferes with the quality of my life. Knowing that diet and exercise would help doesn't do much to actually give me the energy it takes to cook and work out.

When I was a Christian I had it instilled in me that this was all sin...overeating was obviously gluttony. Not having any energy to do anything was laziness. And depression was just a state of mind that required me to focus on God and all would be well. Not every Christian I knew believed all of that, but all of them believed some of it. I still can't get past the belief that I'm just a lazy glutton. And yes, I continue to beat myself up on a daily basis. I do appreciate it when people tell me to stop being so hard on myself but I haven't yet figured out how to do that. Not when I have this shit embedded in my spiritual DNA.

So I've decided I need a spiritual retreat. I can't go away so I need to figure out how to do that here. And obviously I don't even have a door I can shut to keep anyone out, but I'll figure out how to do the best I can. Maybe I need to spend time away from home each day, out in Nature somewhere. By myself. It's the best I can do for now.

This weekend, though, won't be the time to start as Tom is home on a 3-day weekend (and next weekend, too) and with a house this tiny he's always in the way when I try to do anything so I'm planning on waiting a couple of weeks. My birthday is coming up in September (the 22nd to be exact) and with the autumnal equinox as a focal point, I think taking a couple of weeks prior to that as preparation will do me a world of good.

I have to say that one of my dreams is to have a room of my own with a door that shuts and locks.

BB

Pathfinding

2011-08-16T17:11:00.000-05:00

On the advice of Rue, I ordered Power Spellcraft For Life from Amazon.com. I was going to order from one of the merchants listed on Amazon for less, but their rating wasn't high enough for my standards. So for another buck-fifty I got it from the big store. The book had very high ratings and excellent reviews, not to mention Rue herself suggested it so I can't wait to get it. I like that it gets behind the working of spells and doesn't just offer some spells to use.

This whole forging my own path thing is difficult for me. Zach and I had lunch out yesterday so I could bounce some things off of him and it occurred to me that my foundation of all-or-nothing is so much a part of my foundation it's hard for me to take things from here and there and create my own recipe for spirituality. I wonder if I will ever be able to overcome the damage Christianity (fundamentalism, in particular) has done to me.

So while I try to just go with it and make it mine, I'm still battling a need to have walls, a roof and hymnbooks for my spiritual temple. It just ain't easy being my own boss. Still it is a bit exciting to try things and make my own determination if they are beautiful architecture or just a prison cell. One thing I tried on felt so restricting that I could barely breathe before I quickly broke through the cell doors. From now on I'll be a bit more circumspect before inspecting a room in the spiritual temple I'm building.

I ended up giving my Green Man pendant to Zach. For some reason it didn't sit right around my neck, didn't feel like it was mine. I loved looking at it and enjoyed having it, but didn't like wearing it. So I asked him if he wanted it and he said yes so quickly I knew it was his all along. I've decided that, from now on, any jewelry I own will either be an in-person purchase, or one I make myself. I found an owl pendant I loved and am making a chain for it and today found a necklace with Celtic spirals on it. I intend to get rid of some of the extraneous dangles and just keep the spirals. Plus it had earrings, too. And it's hypo-allergenic. I'm allergic to nickel. Terribly allergic to nickel so that is a big issue. I really don't need to be blatant about my spiritual path, as I did when I was a Christian. I had so many cross necklaces it wasn't even funny.

See? I am learning to leave the Christian trappings behind. I just wish it was happening faster.

BB

It's not Hogwarts, but it will do

2011-08-12T19:13:00.000-05:00

I won't be seeing the full moon tonight. Or at least any time soon. It's raining but I'm not complaining about it because this means I don't have to go out and water the garden and fills up the rain bin again. Doesn't matter because I still plan on a Full Moon ritual tonight anyway. The house has been feeling strange lately as if I'm being blocked from the benefits from the prayers and rituals I've been attempting. I'm going to use tonight to cleanse, smudge and re-consecrate all my spiritual and mystical tools and altars. I haven't yet consecrated my Greek altar yet. It may not be necessary but it makes me feel more connected to my tools and the work I try to accomplish with them.

We saw the final Harry Potter movie last night and laughed (after we finished crying) over the many fundie accusations that this was real witchcraft. Don't I wish! Wouldn't I love to be able to use a spell or apparate. And school would have been so much more fun! But in spite of having a fantasy about living in that world, nothing like that exists in this one, contrary to the right-wingers who insist they know more about our religion than we do.

Still, I am ready to start studying spellcraft. I take it seriously enough that I don't want to just jump in there and start writing rhymey stuff like from Charmed or sticking things in cauldrons and using them as potions. I want to know what I'm doing so I do no harm to myself or anyone else. And while I don't think misplaced energy can make someone's cancer worse (contrary to the bitch on the message board who insists fluffy bunnies are killing people) I think it's more responsible to actually know what I'm doing first.

Now that I've sorted out my spiritual identity...or at least sorted out what path I'm on now...I really would like to start progressing. I hate that I've let myself get in such a rut. I also plan on working more in my various crafts because that makes me feel so much better about myself, which in turn makes me a happier and more energetic person. Productivity really is a medicine for the soul.

But tonight I'm hoping to just knit and rest a bit with an early night so I can start fresh tomorrow morning. I really would like to start waking up in the morning again. I love the sleep that I'm getting but I'd like to feel I haven't wasted most of the day by the time I wake up.

BB

Going rogue

2011-08-09T18:45:00.000-05:00

I was looking over the curriculum for AODA's initiation year and decided maybe Druidry isn't my path after all. Some of the requirements are just plain boring. I want to be intimate with nature, enjoy her company and find a spiritual connection with the gods through her. I don't want to be a scholar on the subject of the ecosystem in my neighborhood. Nor do I want to spend hours and hours reading about nature, crafts and divination. I want to spend time doing them. Not reading about them.

I'm not terribly interested in paying bucks for each "level" or becoming clergy of any kind. And I'm not even impressed with the levels anyway. I don't want to specialize in one thing or another. I'd like to be more of a Renaissance type of Pagan, knowing a bit about everything. I love the crafting aspect, the writing aspect and the divination side of it all. Why delineate a particular path and lock off all others?

I know I don't need a label as such, but I am the way I am and I like having myself defined. After a riveting discourse on a message board about how fluffy bunnies are destroying Paganism by a Pagan who has determined that she is the bar everyone much base their spirituality on, I've gone rogue and decided to define my own path, including determining its "requirements." I do love Celtic polytheism and Nature so I've determined that is what defines me. The heck with any other requirements. I've also been unable to resist the pull toward Greek polytheism as well, so I've decided one of my altars will be Greek, without a nod to reconstructionism. My relationship with the gods is mine alone and if they accept me as I am then no one has the right to decide otherwise.

I'll admit that reading the nonsense about "fluffy bunnies" and her definition of them that seems to be that of anyone who hasn't studied as deeply and is as knowledgeable as she is, pissed me off royally. It reminded me of the bullshit I dealt with within Christianity. Also known as the No True Scotsman fallacy. She did get trumped mightily by other Pagans on the board to which she responded in a very snarky way, intimating that they're not real Pagans or some such nonsense.

I swear that's the kind of bullshit I thought I had left behind. Apparently not. At any rate, all she has accomplished is to energize me to make my path my own. So I think her intentions backfired on her.

BB

I don't want to be in charge

2011-08-08T21:16:00.000-05:00

It occurred to me today while answering Dark Mother's comment that part of my problem with walking this path is that while I love the ritual, I have never wanted to be the pastor/priest/priestess in charge of the ritual. And of course, this aspect of solitary practice means that if I don't institute it, it doesn't happen. I know that I could do things in a more casual way, but my love for ritual yearns for the designs and construct that happen with formal ritual. I flat out miss it and yet don't want to be responsible for it happening.

It's a conundrum.

Now that I've identified the problem, maybe I can fix it. Or at least find a reasonable solution to the problem.

I also have a problem with studying on my own. It's just not happening. I was an excellent student in a structured environment; not so much in a self-paced one. I've thought about joining AODA because their prices are reasonable and I already have the handbook. But the thought of spending money and not following through, yet again, paralyzes me. On one hand, I could do with someone looking over my shoulder as a mentor. On the other hand, I don't want to feel like I'm in bondage to an organization and under the gun to finish my tasks.

Also if someone could sell me the short story version on being better to myself, giving more to myself and not being quite so hard on myself, I would be glad to buy it. I'm not good at figuring this out on my own.

BB

Missed it again

2011-08-02T20:02:00.000-05:00

Due to a pulled muscle in my back, I didn't celebrate Lughnasadh...yet. I do plan on having a ritual soon. As soon as I am able to lift stones so I can set up my outdoor altar. Which should be in a day or so. It never fails that for one reason or another, I rarely ever celebrate an event on the same day most others are celebrating it. Still, this isn't an astronomical event so the exact date isn't crucial.

I missed the New Moon as well. Some day I'll be more observant, which is what I want, not what I feel pressured to achieve. I'll get there some day.

I haven't done any reading the past several days either. Which I need to do as they are library books and will need to be returned eventually. I get sidetracked so easily. Ever since chemo, I swear I've got adult-onset ADD.

Well, I'm hitting the bed very soon so I'm going to sign off and have an early night. Hopefully. I saw the sun rise again this morning before sleep overtook me. I'd love to get that better scheduled as well.

BB

God, Satan, the serpent and Prometheus

2011-07-28T15:32:00.000-05:00

I ponder a lot; I always have, but not everything I ponder ever makes it out of my head because some things are either too frightening to speak about or blasphemous. I realize I still have much hostility toward Christianity so I chewed on this for a couple of days before deciding that, well, this is my blog and I can write about whatever I want so...

Back when Zach was in junior high and I was homeschooling him from a Christian perspective, I used to read the Bible aloud to him and we would discuss it. It was all the bible curriculum I had, after wasting money on specific, useless curricula from very fundamentalist perspectives. Of course I started with Genesis and Matthew and just read our way through but as I read, specifically the Old Testament, I started getting thoughts in my head that wouldn't go away. At the time, of course, I attributed them to Satan because what I was thinking was absolutely blasphemous from a Christian perspective.

I began noticing the really evil attributes of God/Yahweh. The thought occurred to me that maybe God was really who we claimed Satan to be. I mean, here is a deity who demands you either worship him or suffer eternal torment, tortures babies, commits human sacrifice (and attempted sacrifice in the story of Isaac and Abraham), kills off whole nations of people who don't worship him, including infants and children, and livestock. He sends an emissary to tell Pharaoh to let the Israelites go and then manipulates Pharaoh's mind so he won't let them go so he can torture the Egyptians and kill their firstborn in order to demonstrate that he and he alone is god.

He has an ego the size of the universe, demands perfection from people whom he created to be imperfect, creates people to love another person of their own gender and then pronounces a death sentence on them for it, among other things. It really doesn't get all that much better in the New Testament, but I'll let this much suffice for now.

Of course, I was horrified by those thoughts, and yet they never ever left my mind. Yesterday I talked to Zach about it and he mentioned that I wasn't alone in my thinking...that he and others have thought the same thing. So he brought up Prometheus as a comparison to the serpent in the garden. Prometheus was trying to make mankind independent of the gods and give them a chance at life. The serpent was trying to give mankind the knowledge to be independent of the gods and have a chance at life I hadn't thought about it that way before but it does make sense that maybe the serpent wasn't the bad guy after all.

My religious upbringing involved a lot of contrast and compare with Satan and God, even though technically they weren't opposites. And yet there was that Zoroastrian duality taught all my life. Sure, they gave Satan limitations, but apparently he was omniscient, omnipotent and everywhere all at once just like God was. And although it has become a fad that you have to rebuke Satan verbally because he can't read minds, this is hogwash as I was taught all my life to keep my thoughts pure so Satan didn't corrupt them. So apparently he does too read minds.

Truth is, I don't believe in an evil entity who rebelled against God and is determined to turn us all away from the heavenly father who loves us so much he commits human sacrifice so that a select few can spend eternity gazing in awe and adoration at him. I think Satan was a construct used to explain why bad things happen to good people because if God is all good and created everything, then where did evil come from?

When I think about it, more evil has been done under the banner of Christianity than any other. So what religion is more evil? Paganism, with love for Nature and tolerance for all or a system that makes rules no one can live under, causes death and destruction of whole civilizations conquering them in the name of their god, and excludes the majority of mankind from the blessings of its deity.

So yeah, still very bitter especially in light of the overwhelming Dominionist surge in the political realm and the way they've been allowed to spew their hatred and violent rhetoric in the press with impunity. Do they think they're winning souls for Christ? Hardly. Nothing they've said or done will ever entice me back to a system of slavery, guilt and pain.

And we're the ones who are evil?

BB

Getting new stuff is so exhilarating

2011-07-25T19:05:00.002-05:00

Although I'm exhausted today it is normal exhaustion from work done, not exhaustion from depression or fibromyalgia. Odd how one can feel the difference.

I'm triply blessed right now. My orders from Amazon.com came in so quickly I barely had time to think about them. I got the oracle cards and ritual prayer book on Saturday and the Green Man pendant just a few minutes ago. I love the prayer book; it's a great companion to the other prayer book I have (both having been written by the same author...Ceisiwr Serith. And I love the oracle cards, especially because they are animal oracle cards. I hope to find time to learn them very soon. But I love the pendant. It's even more beautiful in person.

The more grounded I seem to get on this path the more I think my ritual practices and altar arrangement need a bit of refining. Especially as I add divination and magick to my practices. I keep too many candles out and that clutters up my space for actually working. I need to view it less aesthetically and more functionally. And focus, too, on how best to address the God/desses I am called to. I might start easing into my Lughnasadh altar arrangement as well. I have added another altar to my home, in the bathroom. It's also an incentive to keep the bathroom counter uncluttered as well, but my eagle, owls, incense and candle are there now, which makes me feel oddly better. I now have an altar in every room in the house aside from Tom's rooms and Zach's bedroom. And the basement. Not even Hades would want to be associated with that room. Maybe after I clean it up...in a year or two...I'll make a place for one of the Deities there. It's just too bad right now and I'd probably piss off any God/dess I tried to worship down there.

I'm also planning on incorporating much more study into my life. Not just spiritual, but academic as well. I'm signed up on the free part of Open University to read a course on the Enlightenment. It's an era little studied in high school. I just hope I can discipline myself to the degree that I am balanced enough to help take care of Zach's physical and emotional needs right now. I'm convinced he has Asperger's, especially since he tested high on an online test for people on that spectrum. I suspected he was autistic when he was little but he was so highly functional, I didn't think it was possible. Now that I know about Asperger's, I feel like I have the answer for his various and sundry eccentricities. There are routines that are impossible for him to establish in his life so I'll need to be his timepiece and babysitter, in a way. He's still highly functional but that doesn't mean he's able to manage all by himself.

Oh, and Dark Mother, my new prayer book has prayers to Kuan Yin! Very cool.

BB

Full Moon energy is good stuff

2011-07-22T21:59:00.000-05:00

I am definitely performing Full Moon rituals from now on. I worked all day cleaning and organizing and I still have energy left over to possibly clean another room before I crash into bed. I've been thanking Hecate and Brighid all day. I still have 2 loads of laundry to finish up and de-cluttering the dining room. I'm afraid I'll wake up tomorrow completely spent and unable to move a muscle.

Or I might just call it a night after the laundry (which has to be done tonight) and hope for the best tomorrow. Suddenly I'm feeling my energy draining away. It is almost 10 p.m. after all.

I plan on changing my altar for Lughnasadh tomorrow while I'm cleaning. Might as well make a clean sweep of it, getting my house in order and all. I did spend some time reading and studying this morning. I didn't take notes as I used to in order to read more quickly. I can always go back and take notes later. I'm pondering doing an initiation of sorts to cement my decision to follow this path. I'll know when it's the right decision, I'm sure.

Well, as the energy is ebbing away I should finish up what I must tonight and make up the couch into a bed and have some private time with the God/desses and call it a night. I don't even think I'm going to knit tonight.

BB

I love buying for my spiritual wants

2011-07-21T17:02:00.000-05:00

I spent a little money this week on things spiritual. A new pendant because my triple moon pendant fell off the cord and disappeared somewhere on the property but either the faeries took it or it just left me. Either way, it's gone and I don't really feel its loss, oddly. I haven't felt a kinship with Hecate of late and I wonder if that was part of it, although I invoked her at the Full Moon and felt her presence there quite vividly.

At any rate, I picked a pewter Green Man since the wildness of Nature has been calling to me for a while. I need to actually get out in it now that it's no longer steaming outside. Household chores will keep me occupied until Sunday at least so I should make plans for next week. Especially as Lughnasadh is imminent and I still need to set up the faerie garden/grove. But with in-laws coming I must make the house presentable so my husband isn't ashamed of me. It's sad that he is so frequently ashamed of me around his family, but the pain of those experiences has long since calloused my heart so I no longer feel it.

I counter that with his acceptance of my spiritual path and it makes everything bearable. The scales balance, in a way.

I also ordered A Pagan Ritual Prayer Book, a sort of companion to A Pagan Book of Prayer. And I ordered the Druid Animal Oracle Deck as well. I would like to invest more time in learning about diviniation, meditation and ritual. Aside from some minor spells, I don't really feel a pull toward magick as yet. Maybe in the future, but I'm not in any hurry.

I'm still tooling along with Triumph of the Moon. Parts of it are fascinating; other parts are a bit of a sleeping pill. Mostly it's because of the heat, I think. My poor old brain overheats on the best of days and trying to use it on a hot day probably put me on overload. I miss the days when my brain worked efficiently.

It will be good to have the house clean. I know that order begets order and I do function better when the house is clean. My brain doesn't overheat as much, I retain much more of what I read and I'm more inclined to be creative. Chaos drains me empty. Since the Full Moon my debilitating fatigue hasn't returned and although I'm not terribly energetic, I can function. Which I couldn't before. I must make every effort to perform a Full Moon ritual since in the past full moons tend to drain me dry and leave me nearly incapacitated. I wish I could remember what I did. I also should guard my energy during the dark of the moon as well. I have the same problem.

At any rate, lovely prayer last night with the God/desses with the feeling that all is well. I think one of the things I love best about the God/desses is how patient they are with me and how unconditional their love is. I've never known that kind of love before and it's taken me a while to accept it. Now if I could only love myself that way.

BB

Learning curve

2011-07-20T18:48:00.000-05:00

I have been wilting in this heat feeling decidedly unspiritual. I did have a lovely full moon ritual at the family altar with incredible results. I was energized the next day, even to the degree that I walked the dog and ate well. Then the heat set in and I haven't lit a single candle or uttered a single prayer.

It's been a good lesson for me how self-centered I can be. It never occurred to me to use my electric candles and my prayer book still works when the weather is crap. I, however, don't. Not too well, at least. But it's a lesson that I needed to learn: the Gods are still there even when I'm too focused on myself to acknowledge them. And so I should take extra care during those times of self-pity to focus on others rather than myself.

Oddly this lesson didn't hurt as bad from a Pagan perspective. When I was a Christian it came across harshly and in a mean-spirited way. There was never a gentle touch to it, just a virtual slap to the face and an admonition to keep my eyes on Jesus and I wouldn't have time to feel sorry for myself. I'm so glad the Gods aren't as mean-spirited as some Christians can be.

So, lesson learned and plans made to work through it. And lots of leeway given to myself for those times I drop the ball in the future. No more beating myself up.

And I'm planning on an electric candle tonight. I really don't need anymore heat in this house.

BB

It's the little things

2011-07-14T19:03:00.000-05:00

I've been a bit down lately with my extra appendage: depression. But on the way to town the other day I saw a turkey by the side of the road. A lone turkey, just standing by a field. It brought tears to my eyes for no reason. With the eaglets gone and the webcam dark, I miss those little guys more than I thought I would. So on the way to town yesterday I saw a hawk swooping over something in a corn field. A woodchuck by the side of the road, my beloved crows hanging in the thicket behind the house cheering me on when I work out in the yard. All these things matter to me more than they did when I was younger. I'm not sure why or when the change started, but that world out there, that I ignored most of my youth, brings more joy to me than a new car would.

Well, maybe not as my car is on its last legs. But I certainly find more joy in them than I do most material things.

I must spend more time outside though. I need to get my faerie garden/grove set up so I have a place to sit in the morning and enjoy my morning coffee and birdsong. Certainly better than the morning news. Plus it would help my depression, I'm sure to absorb that vitamin A from the sun, beloved Lugh and his healing properties.

I'm getting anxious to make my preparations for Lughnasadh, been reading up on Lugh and various rituals for that day. I'm burning up my yellow candle as that is the color of Lugh for me, so that I have a fresh candle to burn between now and Samhain. Come Samhain, I put his candle away until after Yule to signify the time before his rebirth.

I've been reading more on offerings and sacrifice and I finally understand it, thanks mostly to Nellie and her wonderful way at explaining things. It's something I want to incorporate in my worship of the God/desses and something that I intend to start doing. I have been saving my burned incense for a year that I was going to bury in the garden when I planted it but I forgot. It's not too late; I can still do that. And invoke the land spirits at that time as well.

I'm also re-examining the Greek/Roman gods as well. Not that I plan on forsaking my beloved Celtic guides, but because I believe there is an ancient connection between them. There are worship practices among the Greek polytheists that seem similar to the Celtic practices. They are aspects I would like to examine more, although I am quite content with those who have called me.

I'm still plugging along with Triumph of the Moon and am really enjoying it. I've just finished reading about the Goddess and the God or more specifically, about Diana and Pan. That's where I began to think of an ancient connection between the Celts and the Greeks. I had read about it a long time ago and saw it on a documentary so I'd like to look further into it.

I'm also getting antsy to get my drawing pencils out again. And maybe even my paints. Who knows? I need to be careful not to overload my senses though as I can do that and end up sitting on the couch doing nothing creatively.

For not, though, I'm working on a sweater for Zach for him to wear to work, should he get a job. I'm trying to knit intentions into it although I admit I do watch a lot of television while I knit as it helps me get a lot more done. Still, I do try to put my intentions into my crafts.

Plus I need to dye my hand spun singles and ply them. Then scour my Shetland wool and process that as well. You'd think with all I have to do I would be motivated to get it done. That's the perfidy of depression. Your mental health betrays you when you need it the most.

Off to lie about and knit for tonight though. And meditate a bit on offering and sacrifice.

BB

Family ties that choke

2011-07-11T18:57:00.000-05:00

Remember when I mentioned that Tom was respectful of my practices and that I was learning to not shut down when he walked into the room? Well, forget that. I was attending my altar yesterday morning and was standing in front of my altar praying when Tom came downstairs and started talking to me, which I didn't respond to as I was trying to concentrate on my prayers. Then he came into the living room looking for Professor's ball, digging around my feet looking under the skirt of the altar for it, hollering at Professor to come and play and then playing ball with him right behind me.

I finally gave up with apologies to the God/desses. But I was a bit downcast the rest of the weekend.

I must learn the difference between someone saying what they believe and how they act that out. I'm always fooled and betrayed by it.

I called my mother this morning because if I don't keep in touch, there is a family intervention. I'm not kidding. So I called and in the course of the discussion she asked if Zach could use our pastor as a character reference on his employment applications. Well, in the first place, most businesses, unless they are run by Christians, don't want to see that as most pastors don't give honest evaluations, not wanting to piss off church members. But I mentioned we weren't going there anymore...and...there...was...dead...silence. I've been pretty sure that my older sister, the American Baptist minister who has been snitching on me all my life told her I was a Pagan now because I was subject to a few miraculous "examples" of proof that God exists around the time Peg found out. Then I wasn't so sure because the lectures died out. But now I figure she either didn't believe Peg or believed she had changed my mind. At any rate, she was not happy.

But I changed the subject which she was happy to do as she lives on a river in Egypt and always has. Zach told me the other day I would be happier if I was completely out of the broom closet but I'm telling you that the interventions haven't begun yet and I would be bombarded by nearly every family member telling me how my eternal soul was in danger of damnation, not to mention having to listen to what an evil child I've been all my life.

I have spent the greater part of my life believing I was the dysfunctional one in the family because to society they look so fucking normal. Now I believe I was no more dysfunctional than they are but at least I know I am.

Still, I'm not ready to out myself.

And I'm not ready to end the relationship with my family because it's not as easy as just shutting down communication. I would be relentlessly harassed by other members of the family who would tell me how much I'm hurting our parents and what a bad daughter I am, etc. I'm just not ready for that.

I do miss having some kind of family interaction but for as long as I can remember it's always been about conforming to their way of life and me having to change who I am. I absolutely never had the option to be myself around them. Except when I was a fundie. They seemed to like that even while finding fault with every other aspect of myself.

I really hope reincarnation is true because I'd really like a better shot at life with better relationships and better choices. Not that it's a given or anything.

In the meantime, I try to keep conversations about gardening and the weather. It's the only safe subjects to talk about.

BB

Building my foundations

2011-07-08T18:40:00.000-05:00

It's definitely summer here. I've spent the past few nights murdering mosquitoes. I'm not big on killing animals or creatures of any kind, which makes my omnivorous diet a bit of a quandry. Still, that whole circle of life thing, you know. But mosquitoes don't get to live in my house, and since I can't escort them to the door like I can flies or spiders, they die. I killed 12 last night, 27 the night before. There is a hole somewhere in this house where they've charging admission. Ideally I would love to be a vegan but I need meat in my diet and I love leather.

And no, I"m not going to feel guilty about it anymore.

I was able to get some reading done this morning before things got hectic. Triumph of the Moon is wonderful so far but I'm still in the first chapter, where Professor Hutton is talking about the history of Paganism and how it became viewed as a vicious and evil religion. Some of it I already knew, other things were eye-openers. When I was homeschooling Zach, in a Christian-themed sense, I had several books by G. A. Henty which were boy-adventure-type books similar to the ones he discusses from the Victorian period. Like the earlier books, the Henty books pitted young boys against evil Pagan cultures and only their faith in the Christian God got them out of it.

Yes, Christianity, the religion of lies and hyperbole. But as long as they "spread the kingdom" who cares?

I'm also getting a lot out of The Druid Tradition by Philip Carr-Gomm. I'm up to the chapter about the 8 festivals so lots of interesting stuff there. But I also had some books come in at the library, one political and the other about lymphedema, so I need to pick up a bit on the reading.

I'm feeling more energetic today which helps me spiritually as well. Zach and I plan on working in the yard this weekend, getting the faerie garden/grove set up for a full moon ritual in addition to planting some flowers and working in the vegetable garden. All my crystals need to be charged as well as consecrating some altar tools that seem to have lost their energy as well.

Once I feel like I've built a foundation spiritually I believe I want to learn more about magick. When I first became a Pagan, I assumed magick was an important aspect of it. Since then I've realized it's not necessarily. In fact, in some cases, I've noticed that magick doesn't play a part at all. My initial excitement about casting spells wore out quite quickly but I've begun to lean in that direction again. But I'm not ready yet. I must build that foundation first.

I can hear my cardinal singing in the thicket at the back of the property. He/she serenades me around this time of day. What a lovely song it is. And I must get back to my daily chores now that it's cooled off a bit. I find myself relying more and more on Brighid these past days as I've been working on regaining my health and strength. It's been very hard for me to lean on the God/desses as my trust factor is still pretty low. But I'm getting there.

BB

What Nellie says and how it changed my mind about sacrifice

2011-07-07T20:26:00.000-05:00

I'm going to use Nellie's comments from the last post as my entry today because it's full of very good and useful information and insight. It makes me see sacrifice in a new light and not quite the enemy I presumed it to be. I always learn a lot from her.

One thing I love about the Brython group I'm involved with is that they'll tell it to me like it is. If I'm talking bollocks, that's what they'll tell me. It's not about being intolerant of other people's path, it's more about keeping each other accountable so you don't float off into a fantasy world where most of the pagan world is too afraid to tell you you're barmy incase it seem like you're being intolerant. There's a difference, so I see no problem with you telling it how you see it LOL!

From my own point of view I think maybe your old Christian understand of sacrifice is colouring things for you, and not in a good way. Christian sacrifice is about going without, giving yourself the harsh treatment etc etc. You get it far better than I do. But in pagan/druid/recon terms it doesn't have the same connotations (IMHO). In the case of burning things it isn't to destroy them but to transform them from the physical to the spiritual level. If you spend months on a piece of beauty as an offering to the gods you want to be able to give it to them right? But they can't take it in its physical form because they are spirit, so the burning changes the form of your gift to them so that they can actually accept the gift. I might have understood the details wrong, but I think that is basically it. Sacrifice though is often about reenacting a primal truth. The Indo-European faiths are all generally built upon the notion that it was sacrifice that created the universe in the first place. Either sacrifice of a god or goddess or of the first man. According to Cesirw Serith in that earliest religion sacrifice maintains the balance of the world and stops chaos overtaking and destroying the world so the rituals of sacrifice (whatever they might have involved as we can only speculate and try to reconstruct something plausible) were performed to keep the forces of chaos from destroying the world by reenacting that first sacrifice. This comes from his book 'Deep Ancestors' but if you take a look at his website you can read the book online for free (highly reccommended! I don't agree with all his thoughts but its a hugely interesting read and has added so much depth to my personal practise). The idea of sacrifice doesn't have to mean going without or destroying something either. The breaking of a loaf and offering it to the gods is a perfectly suitable sacrifice for the 21st century! :D
I hope I have come across too preachy, Gods know you've had enough of that! Just thought it might be another angle that you might find interesting?
Blessings my lovely, and I commend you for finding your voice :)
~Nellie @abitofgardeningspirit

Sacrifice...not my thing

2011-07-06T21:44:00.000-05:00

In spite of being in the same house 24/7 Zach and I rarely have talks unless we leave the house. Today was one of those days, being an errand day. We had a nice talk on the way there about spiritual things, one aspect of which was sacrifice. I mentioned to him the Isaac Bonewits lecture I had listened to on Druidcast and one thing he mentioned was the way they performed sacrifices. By throwing precious items into a fire to burn up and so please the Gods, I suppose. Phaedra mentioned that if all you could afford were wilted dandelions, the Gods would be pleased but if you could afford long-stemmed roses and you offered dandelions, they wouldn't be.

I had to mull over that for several days but I am extremely uncomfortable with that concept. The notion of "widow's mite" from the New Testament, meaning she gave all she had while the Pharisees only gave a minute portion of what they had was never a comforting scripture for me. I mean, why on earth would you give all your money away when you didn't have anything else? To me, that's more along the lines of the penitentials in the early Celtic church. The more you sacrificed, the more you abased yourself, the more you physically punished yourself, the closer you were to God. It was so hard as a Christian to hear about how I was supposed to sacrifice my time, my energy, my money to God while others seemed to be getting the blessings. All I got was broke.

I just don't get why the Gods would be pleased if you spent years working on a project only to throw it in the fire. Seems a bit arrogant to me...on both sides. I personally wouldn't want to worship a god who liked it when we destroyed works of art or talents so no one else could enjoy them. Personally I think of Lugh as a master-craftsman and I can't see him being pleased at all about all that waste. I also think it's arrogant to think that your efforts must culminate in a bonfire to be appreciated. As if your sacrifice is more pleasing to the gods than someone who offered those dandelions. Since you have to announce before the entire group what your sacrifice is, it seems a bit prideful.

The way I understand the Gods is that they are appreciative of our talents and the efforts we make to appreciate them, that they bestow their blessings on those efforts, not in the actual destruction of them.

There are a lot of things I don't get about reconstructionists, but one thing I've noticed is that they all bear a resemblance to aspects of Christianity. I'm not sure which came first...the chicken or the egg...but those familiarities turn me aside from that path.

I"m not saying reconstructionists are doing it wrong or that they're awful people. I just don't agree with their views on Deity or the way Deity is to be worshiped. Well, I will say that christian recons are doing it wrong as they are hellbent on ruining it for the rest of us. I know...not showing a lot of tolerance there. But having been the victim of their bile and intentions of turning this into a nation of christian recons, they frighten me. So I'm not going to tolerate that kind of fear-mongering...or that kind of bigotry and hatred.

At one time I was uncomfortable critiquing other paths, feeling like that was intolerant and far from unifying. But that mindset puts me in a prison where I'm not allowed to have opinions about anything. So I've broken free from that prison. I would never tell anyone not to follow the path laid out before them, but I will voice my opinion on how that path doesn't work for me. And why.

Thanks to Nellie and Dark Mother in my last post for offering some wonderful advice that I intend to take. Slow down, build the foundation before seeking the deeper things, and enjoy the journey. I keep forgetting that. Thanks.

BB

Sidewalk concerts, books and trying to muddle through

2011-07-05T15:36:00.000-05:00

We were driving home from StuffMart last week and were nearly home when we were "treated" to a Christian concert on the streets of our bitty town. Right across from the town's ice cream parlor. I wondered how enchanted the customers were, sitting outside trying to enjoy their ice cream while listening to loud "praise" music. I suppose if you were a Christian, you were probably thrilled. Not so much if you weren't. We were just driving through but we weren't happy about it. For one thing, they were totally blocking the sidewalk. I can't imagine that's legal. For another, I was forced to listen to their spiel even if I didn't want to. It's episodes like this, where Christians insist on cramming their religion down everyone's throats that make it hard for me to get over my bitterness. And I do try.

I've been trying to read more lately but my concentration, like my energy, sucks. I'm very slowly pacing through Triumph of the Moon by Professor Ronald Hutton, upon whom I have a massive brain crush. Plus I'm listening to the Druidcast as often as I can. I finished up the lecture with Isaac Bonewits. Unfortunately I wasn't as enthralled with his perspective at the end of the lecture as I was at the beginning. I've had the same trouble with other teachers as well. It starts off amazing and interesting, but by the end of their books or lectures, I find fault with their logic or reasoning. I don't know if it's just me or if they really do have problems fleshing out their logic and reasoning.

Still, I gleaned some good grain from his talk in spite of my disillusionment. I had read one of his books and had the same problem. Maybe my expectations are too high.

Right now I'm listening to Philip Carr-Gomm talking about magick. So far, so good. We'll see if I am disenchanted with him as well. I'm also reading The Druid Tradition by him and surprisingly haven't found myself disappointed yet. And I'm very near the end of that book.

Professor Hutton's book is hard reading for me with my difficulty in concentrating, largely because his thought processes are complex and the print is tiny. Still, I'm taking my time and muddling through. I know it's controversial so I want to read for myself instead of letting a blogger define how I feel about the situation.

I'm also muddling through some other books I have on Druidry. Those have bigger print and are easier to read because, while there is some mighty deep thinking going on, the writing is much less complex.

Aside from some knitting and reading, I'm not getting a lot done, which frustrates me. I know this fatigue is very real and not me just being lazy but it's hard to believe it. And if I can't believe it, how can I expect my husband to believe it. Things were a bit deflating this weekend with snide remarks from him and him not helping me out. I know he's tired; he works 70 hour weeks consistently.

I do need to take steps toward better health, one being getting rid of the junk food and not buying anymore. I tend to tell myself I'll start a health kick as soon as I've finished up all the junk. Then I just go out and buy more in a moment of weakness. Hell, I live in moments of weakness. Hours, days, to be honest. It doesn't help that it's hot and the only room with air conditioning is Zach's room, which I won't let him use unless the heat is over 90F. Just can't afford a/c.

I'm also frustrated that I've not been delving into deeper spiritual mines. I want to but as soon as my brain starts thinking in that direction, I get distracted by one thing or another or lose patience and just quit. Today while lighting Brighid's candle for morning devotions, I just blanked out and sat looking at the candle for at least 3 minutes. It occurred to me that maybe that's what I need to do instead of trying to force my mind into a place it's not ready for.

Then I got distracted by the wax overflowing the candle-holder.

Oh, well...I can only do my best and hope that each day I improve on that score.

May tomorrow be better than today.

I hate it when I whine

2011-06-29T18:36:00.000-05:00

I had a strange dream last night, most of which I don't remember. What does stick out is someone being persecuted for being a witch and me crying out that I was a witch, too, in an attempt to help her. I'm not sure what it means as I don't really identify as a witch at all, although I do have one on my altar. I mostly think of myself as a Pagan with Druid leanings, not terribly into magick but not oppose to it either. I think the dream was probably more about being in the closet to my parents than anything else so I'm not going to dissect it.

I woke up early this morning having gone to bed early last night. Hoping to have some alone time at my altar, I lit my candles, said a few prayers and was going to just sit and meditate for a while but Tom got up early and that distracted me to the degree that I just let my candles burn and grabbed a few books on Druidry and just sat and read. I was a bit peeved that the one morning I was able to wake up early I couldn't have time alone, but it wasn't Tom's fault. He had to go into work early today. Sometimes it's just the way things work out. It sucks, but it's just life.

I haven't gotten any more done on the grove/faerie garden yet. I'm still hurting and have a bit of a tummy ache today so I'm taking another day off. I'm doing some thinking about taking better care of myself as well. That conversation isn't going so well as I keep making excuses to myself. Watching a documentary on Queen with the death of Freddy Mercury so emotionally and beautifully presented made me fret about my health and how I'm not doing what I need to do to help prevent the cancer from coming back, let alone managing my diabetes. When I'm like this, with no energy to even manage the simplest chores, I know I should take those steps to better health. And yet, I am paralyzed into inaction by both my fears and by the knowledge that I have failed each and every time I've tried to lose weight.

And I know people care about me and want to help me but I get so tired of hearing about diets or plans that are guaranteed to work. Ha! If they worked, no one would be fat, eh? Except lazy-ass people who just love not fitting into clothes or booths or have to sleep sitting up or suffer all kinds of stomach ailments because of it. Because being fat is just so fucking fun, you know?

At any rate, I need to at least focus on being nice to myself, loving myself more and appreciating even my tiny efforts around the house and garden.

And speaking of gardens, I once again forgot to pray to the land spirits. I think I'll just go outside and do it tonight when I go out to see how many tobacco plants didn't make the transplant. I think I lose 3...at least.

I can only try to do better tomorrow.

My killer instincts

2011-06-27T22:19:00.000-05:00

I finally have the garden in although not as many different plants as hoped for. Why does the garden seem smaller this year? We're also making progress on the grove/faery garden area. Since giving up my bedroom, I needed to do something with the falling apart mattress and box spring so Tom and Zach tore them down to their metal foundation and we're going to use them as trellises for my morning glories I have yet to plant. Tomorrow Zach and I plan to set that up as well as getting the grove ready.

I intended to say a prayer over the garden when I finished all the planting but I plain forgot, being in agony from bending over. I can't squat down due to arthritic knees and too much weight so I just bent over and planted away. My legs and back aren't speaking to me. Well, to be honest, they're speaking quite loudly in fact, using language that would definitely delight Loki and possibly Lugh. And I suspect Pan has heard a few of those words himself. I'll quiet them down with a pain pill later but for now, I'm just trying to ignore them.

I'm also on a murderous rampage, killing a multitude of mosquitoes who are intent on using me as a blood donor. I'm down with the whole circle of life thing though and am using my privilege as top of the food chain to rid the world of a few dozen of the pests. Zach is terribly allergic to them so he's already taking daily antihistimines. Otherwise he ends up with welts the size of Kansas and spends all his waking moments trying not to scratch because they're so painful.

That's 6 so far.

Having outdoor ritual might be a bit dicey, thanks to the blood-suckers. We're a half mile from the marsh so we're never without swarms of them. I've got some tiki torches but I don't know how well they will work and we do have to get to the grove, at the back of the yard, so we're fair game on our journey there. I suppose using DEET is an option. Maybe the God/desses will think it's some kind of perfume we're wearing in honor of their visit.

Didn't think so.

Definitely not doing this sky-clad. Living beneath a major highway through town being a significantly major factor, but scratching mosquito bites in places that only my doctor gets to see doesn't appeal much.

I've been spending so much less time online lately so I'm getting much more done on the home-front as well as the craft front. Still not as much as I would like but as there are only so many hours in the day.

Well, I'm off to climb into my jammies, make up the bed, spend some quality time with the Cernnunos, Lugh and Danu tonight. Brighid has my morning and whatever God/dess calls upon me gets me at night. For whatever reason, they claim my attention tonight and I am only too happy to sit at their feet and listen.

Having good days is such a treat.

Eight.

BB

Things fade away; things bloom and grow

2011-06-24T20:40:00.000-05:00

I listened to one of the older OBOD podcasts (because I'm woefully behind on them) for a short time today but it helps to stay connected with other Pagans, however distant that connection may be. I think one of my problems is lack of community, although it's mostly my own fault. I still haven't sorted out my need to isolate myself from the world so often.

I'm still getting newsletters from my old church. Surprisingly this month after reading it, I wasn't homesick at all for the church. One reason might be because it's like watching something fade from existence, slowly and painfully. The rector is down to 1/3 time and pay and can't perform all the work she needs to get done in that short amount of time, yet that's all they can afford to pay. Which means they won't likely ever get another rector there because the pay is too low. And yet they do nothing to try to grow beyond talking endlessly about it. It's one of the main reasons Zach quit the vestry...because no one was interested in doing anything more than porch evangelism. Which means all they wanted to do was have someone outside to welcome newcomers to church. What newcomers? No one knows they exist!

There is nothing to draw young people or young couples because with a part-time pastor, you only have a part-time church. One service a week and Easter and Christmas is less than most people want in a liturgical church. They want the bells and smells, saints' days, compline, morning worship, etc. It's sad, really. I might have gone back for the liturgy if they actually had more of it. And I'm pretty sure they could have drawn off the many Catholic Churches in our neck of the woods because so many love the liturgy but want more freedom to decide things for themselves. Lots of lost opportunities there.

I told Zach today that part of me wishes I hadn't lost my faith but I compare it to finding out a spouse has been cheating on you. You'll never, ever love him the same way, if at all, but part of you wishes you'd never found out about it so you could still have what you had before.

And yet, the truth is always better than living a lie, even if it takes time to adjust.

I'm perfectly content to be a Pagan, loving the process, growing, learning, relaxing in it. The frenzy to learn it all and get good at it has dissipated and what's left is a comfortable relationship that has room for growth and freedom to grow. I do wish I could be completely out of the broom closet, so to speak, but I'm a coward when it comes to my parents. They still intimidate me after all these years. And, too, I know that if they knew I was no longer a Christian, they would spend their last years on earth praying frantically for my "salvation." I know my mother prays every night for my daughter, who converted to Judaism years ago and is completely content in her faith, because she lives in fear that Mandy will spend eternity in hell. I'm still furious that such a religion exists, that puts people in a panic like that.

I'm also getting more comfortable with Tom being around my rituals or me attending my altar. I used to curtail any prayers quickly if I heard him coming down the stairs or in the front door. Now I calmly finish, no matter how long it takes, and he quietly goes about his business until I'm done. I mean, I'm quiet about it, not chanting loudly or praying at top volume. It's nice to have that kind of respect.

I'm also spending more time on my knitting and such, thinking of them not as hobbies, but as a trade or a craft. I really feel a connection with my female ancestors when I'm working on simple things like that. As well as working toward making my life simpler, more basic...like cooking from scratch, working the garden and herbs and such. I like that feeling and yet I love having technology. I feel like I'm living in the perfect era for my personality.

But it's time now to shut down the computer and spend some time with the God/desses before settling down for the night with knitting and Oddities. I love that show!

BB

It was enough

2011-06-23T19:59:00.000-05:00

I felt more connected today. To the God/desses, Nature, my household responsibilities, but more importantly, I felt more connected to myself today. I don't know how much control I have over this depression and fatigue, if I can keep that connection intact or if it's just inevitable that it will be weaker from time to time. I just know that it felt good to attend my altar this morning. My morning prayer to Brighid (when I pray) is always...may this day be more productive than yesterday. Today was the first time in a long time that my prayer bore fruit. I'm trying very hard not to dissect all of this, but to enjoy it for what it was.

I set aside some time for reading and pondering this morning. My brain is too mushy for meditation so I settle for just pondering things for now. I was careful not to overload my brain and just let myself mull over a few things, like what our relationship with the God/desses is supposed to be like. Granted, that's enough for a few years, let alone a few minutes, but it was the seed I needed to plant in this garden of my mind. Once I get it weeded, maybe I'll be able to function better with meditation and pondering. I'm still a bit raw from my past spiritual experiences so it's hard for me to give myself completely to any Diety, but I am learning to trust. Day by day.

I'm hoping to discipline myself enough that I keep training my mind and spirit, keep refreshing them and keep feeding and watering them. I definitely feel better when I do, but when I'm tired and brain-fried, it's so hard to keep up with it. I've never been very good at follow-through in any area of my life. Something I really need to work on. My mother says I never finish anything. That's not true, of course, but I do frequently start things I don't finish.

I don't know how to banish the negativity from my life. I suppose that's another thing I need to learn how to do. But for now, I just know that I had a good day, I got things done that needed to get done and I felt my relationship with the God/desses grow firmer while my inner self grew stronger.

And that's enough for today.

Growing is hard to do

2011-06-22T19:51:00.000-05:00

It's been so long since I've posted on this blog, mostly because I've just been taking a break from anything that required in-depth thinking. My brain desperately needs a vacation.

I listened to some of the older OBOD podcasts today while waiting for Zach, this one being a talk given by the late Isaac Bonewits. I found myself more in agreement with him than I had previously thought. I do have a special place in my heart for OBOD and will continue to utilize their resources as much as I can. And who isn't in love with Damh the Bard? But listening to Isaac speak of Druidism as a religion as opposed to Druidry as a philosophy really resonated with me. I am content to enjoy many of the lectures, articles and books that describe Druidry as philosophy but I realized a while back that to me, it was a religion. Because that's what I need spiritually. I need a religion, not a philosophy. Whereas Zach needs a philosophy rather than a religion. Which makes Druidry/ism a perfect fit for both of us.

I'm thinking of joining Ar nDraiocht Fein if nothing else but for the fellowship aspect of it. It's certainly cheaper than OBOD and definitely close to home. And I already have the first year book used in training. Not that I would go for the formal training. I don't think that's for me, but it would be nice to find some kind of feedback while on my own learning journey.

I prayed this morning for the first time in a long time. It was easy to expose myself so completely to the God/desses, in a way I hadn't been able to before. I really needed that spiritual downtime and will do it again if I need it in the future.

I've had trouble figuring out just who the Deities are, what they want and what they think of us. I don't have any answers, but I am slowly relinquishing my previous views on a God who demands much and gives back little, except in a way that punishes those who don't toe the line. Very hard to trust after a relationship like that. But I'm learning, and hopefully, giving up the pain. I told the God/desses today that the wounds are still raw although they don't burn like they did before.

I didn't manage to celebrate Summer Solstice, as usual. I seem to have so little energy at those times that I begin to wonder if I'm being drained by those who are drawing energy in during these times. I've wondered about a spell to protect and shield my energy, especially during special ritual times. It's always the worst then. I'm going to look into it and try it on the Dark Moon, one of my favorite times.

In the meantime, I'm going to move slowly in many areas of my life. I still very much want to lose weight because of my health and spiritual needs, and because I'd like to not look 8 months pregnant at nearly 60. I'm trying to work out the best way to handle that. I've finally acknowledged that no matter what I do it will require effort that will be painful, because nothing that overcomes years of abuse to my body can possibly be painless. Sort of like removing a splinter. It hurts while it's in, hurts worse while removing it, but afterward the pain goes away so quickly.

Eating disorders suck though!

Well, supper is nearly ready so I'm off to finish up and then crawl into bed, after I make it up. I really needs some sleep badly.

Lightening up

2011-06-10T21:29:00.001-05:00

I'm beginning to notice how much productivity is connected to my spirituality. The past few days, I've pushed past the pain and fatigue (although not to the point of hurting myself) and I've discovered how much more my mental processes drift constantly toward the spiritual. I assume the connection to be more about my feelings of self-worth, as being productive makes me feel better about myself than lying around like a rock in the sun would.

I've been helping Zach organize his room today. He's chosen to take his altar down and use the outdoor altar that we'll be setting up tomorrow, weather permitting. I'm storing some of his altar tools for him, although he has given me carte blanche to use them if I feel a need. My altar is pretty full so I doubt I'll have room for any of his tools, and I have plenty of incense so I'm good. I've also told him that the altar in the living room is the family altar and he's welcome to use it anytime.

Since giving up my bedroom, I've felt the mood of the house shift to a more positive one. It feels lighter and cheerier, which helps my moods, of course. There is more openness to it as there is less furniture in each room. Although the living room is still incredibly tiny and I can't imagine how I got a full-size bed in there as the couch takes up enough room.

But central to the living room is my altar and I often find my eyes drifting toward it while knitting or watching tv. They God/desses are never far from my thoughts.

Catching up

2011-06-09T21:20:00.000-05:00

I'm getting there. We had a miserable heat wave that left me sweating and lethargic, unable to sleep and coveting our neighbor's air conditioner. But the temps are now in the low 50s and it's great! I even have a few windows open to enjoy it. How odd that the temps are lower than I kept the house in the winter and we bundled up for it.

I rearranged the house yesterday, giving up my bedroom and gaining a living room and separate dining room because when it came down to it, the cramped living conditions wasn't conducive to my spiritual sanity. I did talk to Tom about my feelings on giving up my privacy and while he didn't respond, at least it's out there. I did notice this morning he left me to my morning solitude, which I so appreciated. I even would have had time for some morning meditation/prayer or short ritual if I hadn't spent the morning knitting. I did need to re-do my altar as I had to take out the table I was using and use one of my crafting bins for it instead. Which is nicely covered up with a Tuscan style tablecloth so it doesn't show what it is. It occurred to me that I've set my altar up on my crafting items and my crafting is a huge connection for me with the God/desses so maybe it's the best choice anyway. I'm set up for Litha, Alban Hefin, or Summer Solstice. We're going to work on the outdoor altar tomorrow if we get the yard mowed. Zach has asked for the outdoor altar to be his, to which I have no objection at all.

His path is shifting again and we've had many a conversation about it lately, mostly me listening. He's still feeling so much pain from his past and finds it hard to trust any "system" right now. But he feels drawn to the Druid path, yet knows it's his own path and not one laid out for him by anyone else. He misses the depth of spirituality he had as a Christian (but not the belief system itself) and wants to find that again, but is determined that it must be natural and not forced or artificial. I envy his strength and determination.

And yet my path is unfolding well. I am growing more and more comfortable with my choices and feel ready to take on a deeper route. I had to walk away from the politics that were driving me because all I got from it was upset and unrest. It was as much fear-mongering as I endured as a fundie. I had a heartfelt evening with the God/desses one evening which convinced me that something that upset me so much wasn't healthy for body, spirit or soul. And I'm finding that as I ease away from it, I'm losing interest in it as well. And growing more and more passionate to learn about the spiritual things that fill me up.

I am hoping to post more on this blog but I make no promises because as my energy seems to be returning (or as I learn to work past it) I'll be busier, I hope. Yet this is important to me, too, so maybe I'll find the time and energy to keep up with this one as well. In the meantime, supper is done and so am I. I exhausted myself yesterday and I have an altar to consecrate tonight, in addition to some reading as well as knitting and tv watching.

I need a make-over

2011-06-02T18:00:00.000-05:00

I've been a bit of a mess the past couple of weeks...tired, no sleep, no energy, no motivation. When I'm like that my spiritual life usually reflects all that so beyond a few nights of lighting candles, light meditation and some prayers, nothing has been going on. I did figure out that my focus on politics has been draining whatever energy I had left away from my spiritual life so I'm cutting way back on the political reading and trying to focus more on Pagan blogs and articles online. I also would like to get back to my Druid books that I paid good money for.

I mentioned on my other blog that I plan on making changes to both blogs. The other one, only minor changes having to do with content...more pictures, less whining...that sort of thing. This one, I would like to change the direction of. Initially it was a place for me to figure out my path. Now I'd like it to be a place of learning (me!) growing (me!) and maybe even feedback (you!) I'm not saying I know my path now, but I know it better than I did when I first started.

I also want to change the title as it really doesn't reflect anything about the blog anymore. It was the name of a character in a book never finished and I no longer can relate to that character. Plus no one knows who the hell I'm talking about anyway. So I'm pondering a new name for the blog, something that reflects where I am now and where I'd like to be in the future.

I do think I'm feeling better spiritually in spite of the health problems and lack of motivation to do anything about them. I know that in spite of not having rituals or formal prayers, the god/desses are never far from my thoughts and I frequently speak to them no matter where I am. In fact, when I was a Christian it was such a struggle to keep god in my thoughts whereas now, they are never far from them. What a difference walking with the right deities makes.

So I continue to ponder a new name and a new perspective. As much pondering as my puny brain will let me anyway. I hope to have decided by the weekend although I'm not limiting myself to a time frame. I hate the pressure of deadlines.

Argh!

2011-05-13T14:59:00.002-05:00

I lost my last entry thanks to blogger going apeshit and don't have the energy to recreate it. Or the memory for that matter.

But it had to do with feeling better now that I can get outdoors and renew my connection with Nature. And how comfortable I am on my path not it isn't so narrowly defined.

Debra commented about how lovely it was to go outside now that the weather is nicer and I was going to agree before I lost my post. So I'll agree now. If I find it again, I'll post it. I found a deleted post on my mundane blog.

At any rate, I'm feeling pretty darned good lately about my spirituality, aside from needing to spend more time on it and less time on politics. I'm working on finding balance there. Now if the asshats will just stop trying to turn this into a Christian theocracy or a Christian dictatorship, I can stop reading the news like a hawk.

ETA: and it's back!

So this is what contentment feels like

2011-05-11T17:19:00.000-05:00

I'm making progress...at times baby steps, other times gargantuan leaps. Okay, maybe not leaps...more like bunny hops. But I'm getting there.

I did some work on my bedroom: organizing, simplifying, cleaning. I took back the nightstand that was my altar and put it back as a nightstand and used the coffee table for the altar. It's much lower but I can sit on the floor and attend it instead of standing. Standing, for me, is painful after a few minutes so the bulk of my ritual time is spent waiting for it to be over. Not a good attitude. Now I'm comfortable on the floor and spend much more time attending the deities. Meditating is getting easier, too.

I'm learning new mantras for my spirit beads that Tana so lovingly sent me. I always hold the beads when praying or during ritual, wrapping them around my wrist and carrying the ends through my fingers. It's amazing how much energy they give off at times. They're made of jasper, which seems to be very good at that sort of thing. I did a brief mantra last night (although for the life of me I can't remember what it was) and felt pretty good afterward.

Another benefit to having the altar lower, is I can sit in front of my candles and read. I've discovered that I'm learning more by reading about different aspects of Paganism, like Druidry, Wicca, meditation, etc, rather than reading about how to do the rituals and such. Writing my own prayers and rituals is so much easier when I have the knowledge of the god/desses instead of doing what others have already done. So I started a new Book of Shadows/Spirituality last night with my rituals in them. I have another spiral book I use for prayers. It's smaller and fits inside my purse, plus I have my Book of Pagan Prayers from Ceisiwr Serith. I love the prayers in there, in addition to the information about deities and prayer.

Also, now that I'm outdoors more, I'm feeling more connected with Nature and the elements. We got most of the yard mowed yesterday so I'm hoping to set up the faerie garden and move my altar this week some time. There is a lecture on the history of the Indian mounds at the library this Saturday so I might go to that as well. I plan on spending more time at the mounds this summer, honoring the ancestors and connecting with whichever god/dess is calling me there.

Although I still feel pulled in a very Druid direction, I don't feel locked into any one path. I still have a great deal of affection for the Greek Deities and have been known to call upon one of them during my evening prayer time. It's never intentional, but never accidental either.

I am still mesmerized by the eagles, who have grown so much. I've been learning a lot about eagles as I watch them grow. I love the way the parents pair bond, the way they call to each other, the way the male rushed to the nest to protect the female and the baby eaglets from an owl. I've seen other cams set up but none have the sound and visual capabilities as this one does. This is such a great way to learn about nature that I want to find other sources similar to this, even if it's documentary form. I know PBS has Nature and I can probably get old episodes from the library.

Well, off to fix supper and then head off to my bedroom for knitting and tv watching. I've been turning the tv off around 10 p.m. and having ritual or prayer, reading a bit, meditating a bit. For some reason that time of night is quiet and soothing for me. If I wait until later, I'll fall asleep. Earlier and my mind won't shut off. Odd how that works out.

BB

The necessary thing

2011-05-06T19:25:00.000-05:00

On the way to town today I saw a beautiful red-tailed hawk being chased by some smaller birds. They banded together to chase this predator out of their area. I love that even though I dearly love red-tailed hawks. Nature has a way of working everything out.

Not so us. I'm not jubilant over the death of Osama bin Ladin. I can't remember the last time I cheered another human being's death, but I'm sure I have in the past. That doesn't mean, however, that I believe what happened to him was wrong. I'm not going to second-guess the guys who put their lives on the line to go into his mansion and take him out, knowing that place was probably an arsenal. Could they have taken him alive? Obviously not. Arresting him in his home isn't the same as getting him back to safe territory without being ambushed and slaughtered by bin Ladin's followers.

I'm reminded of a Babylon 5 episode where a doctor was using an alien machine that took energy from her body to cure other people's illnesses. She and her daughter are held hostage by an escaped killer who makes her use the machine on him to fix his gunshot wounds. When it was obvious to her that he was going to kill both her and her daughter when he was "fixed" she reversed the machine and drained all of his energy instead, killing him. At the tribunal afterward, she was acquitted, although the machine was confiscated. The security chief turns to her and says, "You did the right thing." She shakes her head and says, "I did the necessary thing. The necessary thing isn't always the right thing."

That's how I feel about all of this. It was a necessary thing. It may not have been the right thing, but given the alternatives, it was the necessary thing. Whether people cheered or felt sadness is completely a personal reaction that I have neither the desire or the right to judge.

All I know is that these brave Navy Seals went in and did a job that will forever be embossed in their memories for good or ill and we shouldn't ever diminish them by second-guessing the job they had to do.

BB

Happy Star Wars Day!

2011-05-04T18:32:00.000-05:00

May the fourth be with you! (Yes, I stole this from my other blog.)

I'm still working on figuring out the camera so no pictures yet. Maybe by Friday. It would have been a good day with all the sunshine but I got involved in errands, laundry and other mundane stuff.

I'm still lagging behind on studying the things I'd like to learn more about. I sometimes just make it through the day so I'm not going to beat myself up over it, but there are times when I make choices that aren't healthy for me physically or spiritually and that sets me back a bit. Still...not beating myself up over it. I'm just going to move on and try to do better next time.

Hopefully once I get the hang of my new camera, I'll get out more, if for no other reason than to just take some pictures of Nature in all her glory. Plus I need to get out and take more care of the faerie garden. I decided to keep it as that instead of a grove, mostly because mowing would be a bitch. I'm nothing if not practical. Plus, I need to connect with the rare ones as I've been experiencing some bizarre mischievousness around the house of late: Professor's lead taken off the post and lying in the middle of the porch...twice. Lights turned on that I know were turned off. At first I thought it might be our neighbor since some of this started when he moved next door, but there was absolutely no reason for him to do it. We've been nothing but nice to him and he's a pretty private guy, which we absolutely respect. Some of it has happened when he wasn't home. And if a person had been on my front porch, Professor would have gone ape-shit...and he didn't.

I think it's the fey. I don't think I properly rewarded them for returning the car keys last summer. I left out some jewelry, which they didn't take, when I should have left them milk and honey or something along those lines. I'm going to try to make up with them and see if we can't co-exist in peace. I don't need any more mischief!

I'm getting ready to dye the yarn I spun into singles before I ply them. Maybe I'll do that Friday instead of using up gas to go to town. And I just got my pound of fleece to scour and card before I spin it. I love doing these things. I feel so close to the god/desses when I'm crafting. Especially when I get as close to the beginning of the project as I can. But no, I can't have my own sheep, darn it! Still, I think I will go to the Wisconsin Sheep & Wool Festival this fall, though. I can pick up a whole fleece there and not have to pay postage.

One thing I've really got to get back to is taking better care of my home environmentally. I don't recycle as well as I should, although it's much better than it used to be. Still, I could go the extra mile. I can't afford the green cleaners but I make my own laundry soap and don't buy the fancy cleaners out there. I just use the basics...like vinegar and ammonia. Although not together!

Plus I need to get this place really cleaned out and smudged. I think there is a negative air about the place that has been here since we moved in. Seriously it's almost like we're under a curse. I've looked up several spells and things to do about it and all involve getting the shit cleaned up first so I should take that step and then worry about the negativity. Because I'm pretty sure clutter and dirt can't produce positive energy.

Well, time to finish up supper and the laundry and then move on to my knitting and crocheting. I finally found a pattern for an afghan for Zach.

BB

Not out of that closet yet

2011-05-02T20:27:00.000-05:00

No, I didn't come out today. I'm out to some people but as long as my parents are alive, I'll remain in the broom closet to the rest of the family. Part of it out of fear of confrontation, but mostly because I genuinely don't want to hurt my parents. The thought of them worrying about my immortal soul until the day they die fills me with angst and sorrow. Should it come out, I won't lie, but I'm not going to announce it to them.

I got a camera for Beltaine this year instead of Mother's Day so I plan on taking more pictures for both blogs, hopefully making them both more interesting. Hoping to get a picture of my altars tomorrow. I only have three in the house and haven't set up my outdoor altar yet but I'll get there. I did have a ritual of sorts. I started the one I had picked out and it just didn't feel right so I just sat a chair in front of my altar (been in pain lately so standing isn't comfortable) and sat there looking at my candles, meditating on the meaning of the festival and just talked with the god/desses. I did some minor rituals that had to do with consecrating and cleansing some tools but mostly I just sat there pondering the mysteries of it all. It was nice. Not magickal, not exciting, but nice. I think I needed nice more than I needed anything exciting.

I got my books out looking at my old notes and seeing where I am now in relation to where I was when I wrote them and I'm amazed at how far I've come along. I feel stronger spiritually, I'm much more comfortable with my path...with very few doubts or second thoughts at all...and I'm, dare I say it, happy. That's a long way from this time last year.

I'm very drawn to honing my homemaking skills, simplifying my life and finding that artistic niche that I need to hide in for a while. Last night during my nightly ritual, I felt the pull of Cerridwen, although I acknowledge her every night. This felt different. In my notes today I saw that I had written that she was the keeper of the cauldron, the one who directs awen. And that's the direction I have been feeling I needed to pursue lately. I still feel a need to delve deeply into that aspect of Paganism that calls me and I feel awen is the key to finding that depth. I love how it all comes together. No coincidence. No manipulation from a deity. Just walking along the path and noticing the signs along the way. It's so simple it ought to be obvious. But I'm just glad I was able to see a few of the signs.

I got some fleece today in the mail to wash and card and when I've plied my Welsh top (after dyeing it) then I'll be ready to spin the Shetland wool. I'm so excited about it. I love this aspect of my crafting, creating things from the most rustic stages. I just wish I could own some sheep. Darned zoning laws!

Well, I still have chores to do and while I'm aching and so tired, I'm getting more done today than I have in the course of a day in a long, long time. I just hope I can build back up to where I'm productive again. I should appeal to Brighid tonight during ritual. I'm beginning to feel that connection with her again. I am still at a stage when I don't like to ask the god/desses for any favors. It still feels too much like the prayers I was taught as a Christian and feels very whiny and grovel-ish. I'm still trying to stand on my own two feet and feel like I need to fix myself instead of relying on some divinity to do it for me. But I will admit that just talking to Brighid about it makes me better. Not asking for help. Just talking about it.

BB

I need to start my preparations for Beltaine

2011-04-27T21:56:00.000-05:00

Beltaine is arriving faster than I am ready for. I have looked at different rituals to get a sense of what I want to do but I haven't spent as much time as I'd like on the study of it. Nor have I gathered up what I need for the ritual. I must stay home tomorrow and start getting ready for it. I've waited too many times until the last minute before celebrating the festivals and I'd like to be ready for it just one time. Okay I'd like to be ready for it all the times but once is a good start.

I ran into my son's friend who lives in Norway now. She's not going back until the middle of next month so I'll probably run into her again. My whole social life exists at Walmart. I had my Goddess/triple moon necklace on and I didn't try to hide it. I really don't care if she sees it. She's read this blog before so she knows I'm Pagan. But knowing that she's a Tea Party devotee, going to rallies when she's not even allowed to vote here anymore pisses me off anyway, especially when she bitches about universal health care for people here while she whined her way into getting it over there (she hadn't had her resident visa yet.)

I hope we have good weather on Saturday night. Otherwise I'll have to have my ritual indoors and burn the stuff on a later date. I'm not sure I can handle a fire in the house. Or at least another one. I did set that potholder on fire once.

I've been doing well with nightly rituals, enjoying them far more than I ever imagined I would. I would like to add morning and noon prayers on a regular basis but I'm comfortable with just nightly rituals. I've been winging it more and more for the morning and noon prayers as I normally do those more spontaneously. And I'm cool with that, too.

Well, my bed is calling to me because it's lonely and needs me to snuggle under the covers so I'm off to do my nightly ritual and prayers and crawl into bed.

BB

Adding more rituals to my life

2011-04-25T17:57:00.000-05:00

I got my new necklace today and it's perfect. I think this represents me and my path well. I am so drawn to the moon, have been for many years now. Plus I can wear it as a choker if I like, which will work well this summer.

I have been looking at some of my books this weekend but haven't really started reading anything yet. Just sorting through to see which book will benefit me most at this stage, instead of reading bits out of each of them and not really gaining much at all. My goal is to set up an area in my grove, formerly my faerie garden, for early morning coffee and communing with Nature. Tom knows this area is important to me, although not really sacred. I will be using it for Beltaine this weekend and it will be largely where I practice my outdoor rituals but it seems unfair for me to designate it a sacred space when Tom will need it for his archery practice as well.

Zach is getting Spring fever as well, wanting to get out into Nature more and feel the energies of life coming back from the dead. My depression is certainly less. In part due to my horrendous bout with one dose of Cymbalta, but also because I can feel things awaken deep inside me now. I may be a creature of the night but I love the Sun, too.

I'm thinking of taking some time each week or each month to go to the "Indian" mounds outside of town and connect with the ancestors there. They aren't my ancestors, as my Native American roots are Chiricahua (Apache) but there's no reason I can't honor them in the stead of my own. Ancestors are ancestors, after all. Plus, I loved the spiritual vibe I got there, but haven't had the chance to go back by myself or with Zach to spend quality time there.

I do plan to be ready for Beltaine this time. Most times when a Sabbat comes up I'm woefully unprepared and just wing it, which is very unsatisfying for me. And I'm sure for the deities as well. So I've been looking at rituals and planning out what I will choose to keep and what I will substitute for those things I don't plan on keeping. I'm getting more comfortable with ritual. Most nights I just light candles and read prayers from my Pagan Prayer book, but last night I included a ritual, calling peace in a different way from how I normally do it, assigning dual meanings to my candles...things like that. I felt so at peace afterwards. I knew I was where I belonged and that is one of the best feelings in the world.

Well, time to get some things done before I shut down for the night, including making supper...potato/leek soup with cheese. Easy, one-pot cooking. Then crawling into bed and trying to stay awake until around 10 p.m.

Getting ready for Beltaine

2011-04-23T18:33:00.000-05:00

My rant yesterday spilled over into today when I saw this bit of "news." Sean Hannity, who has to make up news to get attention, and Bill Donohue, more-Catholic-than-the-Pope, are declaring a war on Easter. Because, you know...Christianity is the only religion out there to have totally original and unique holidays and no one dare celebrate them unless in their entirety. These guys have to make shit up in order to fire up their minions. Demagogues are like that, you know.

But on to pleasanter topics. Beltaine! I'm looking forward to it this year, my first, and plan on cleaning up my bedroom in honor of the event. Okay, I was going to clean up my bedroom anyway but that's where my altar is so I'm also planning on changing my colors and altar decor to reflect Beltane. I'm planning on black and red for the altar. I also have things to burn and plant, such as all the incense ash and burnt matches from lighting my candles. And some birch skin that has drifted into my yard over the year. It will have to be a small fire as I don't want neighbors calling the police on me. Just a bitty one in my Weber grill/firepit that I've made. It still looks like a barbeque grill with a lid so I figure I'm pretty safe and we're not in a no-burn season.

I haven't had time to do any deeper spiritual concentration, having been dealing with medical issues all week, but I'm looking at Beltaine as the focus of my first studies and meditation. Just because it's convenient. I also need to start getting outdoors more both for my depression and adding more to my connection with Nature. I seem to admire her from afar too much.

Tonight is for rest and sleep though. I'm mostly recovered from that one anti-depressant but I lost so much sleep and the stress and additional pain has really worn me down. Taking care of my physical needs has priority this weekend. I'll get busy on the spiritual after I've rested a bit.

Blessed be.

Christian privilege

2011-04-22T17:28:00.000-05:00

It's Good Friday out there in the real world and the first one to pass us by since leaving Christianity. Actually I'm feeling pretty good about that and not even nostalgic for the ceremony and liturgy that goes on this time of year. I surprise myself sometimes.

But it got me thinking about Christian privilege again and how the U.S. seems to revolve around Christianity in various ways. My husband was telling me today about an employee who whined for years because Good Friday was such an important religious holiday and how the company should let Christians off to celebrate it. When Tom told him to take a vacation day for that, the guy whined again that he shouldn't have to waste his vacation days on holidays that he should get off anyway. Tom told him it must not be that important if he wasn't willing to give up a vacation day for it.

So many businesses are closed right now so their employees can attend Good Friday services. Even though most churches don't have them in the afternoon. But this being Catholic/Lutheran country here, I guess enough do that they feel they have to accommodate them. It's not that I really care if businesses do that; it's the arrogance that some Christians feel they're owed that day off because they're Christians and their holidays take precedence over anyone else's.

I know because that's how I felt as a Christian. Or rather how I felt as a fundie. It's in the water we drank, the air we breathed, implied in every sermon, every Bible study, every "fellowship" gathering. Entitlement because of Christian privilege.

I was arrogant enough to believe that "God" would reward me for not accepting a job that made me work on Sundays because that day was sacred to him. Oddly employers don't see it that way. There is money to be made on religious holidays, too, you know. And "God" most certainly didn't reward me. In fact, we suffered because I could have been working all along on the weekends with Tom to take care of Zach when he was little. But I trusted that I was being told the TRUTH. And TRUTH was always in capital letters in my mind because it was "God's" TRUTH. And whatever people in spiritual authority told me was TRUTH.

Except it wasn't. I remember a "testimony" given in church one day on tithing by a single mother who was struggling and going to college with minimal support from her ex. She talked about all the miracles in her life where money mysteriously appeared when she needed it most. All because she tithed. Except I overheard her in the bathroom a few months later telling someone else she had been skipping church lately because she couldn't afford to tithe and pay her bills. So because she had given such a moving testimonial about how God rewarded her for tithing, she couldn't be there and not tithe.

Ah, the way they manipulate you.

And that's what they do when they have these temper tantrums about people not being allowed to pray in school. Of course they can pray. They just can't take over the intercom and make everyone listen to their prayers to their god. If they want to pray over their food, they're allowed in spite of all the hyperbole I get from my aging aunt who insists "God" isn't allowed in public schools. What they really mean is they're not allowed to promote Christianity in public schools.

And then there are the hysterics at Christmas about keeping Christ in Christmas. How they're not allowed to say "Merry Christmas" anymore. More hyperbole. Of course they can in their personal life. They just can't use their employment to force their version of the holidays on other people. Because, of course, there are other people who don't celebrate Christmas, contrary to what they might believe. And that is what Christian privilege is all about. Thinking that the world rises and sets on their beliefs, that their beliefs take precedence over anyone else's. Or even that anyone else's religion even has any validity because, you know, anyone who doesn't worship Christ worships Satan (I wanted to write Satin because for some reason some of the more fundie-types out there seem to have literacy problems and you see it written that way many, many times.)

So on Good Friday employers all over the country give their employees the afternoon off to go to church and mourn the death of their savior. But they end up at Walmart. Because I swear that place was as crowded as Christmas today. But you can't give just Christians the day off because that would be discrimination (although I have heard some bitching about non-Christians getting the day off, too, because what do they need it off for?Same bitching I hear about non-Christians celebrating Christmas, as if we've stolen something from them.) So apparently Walmart was busier than the churches because I was at the old StuffMart at the time when most of the services were going on.

But yeah, I don't have a problem with them taking the day off because it's sacred to them. I'm okay with employers shutting down (although the credit union shutting down at noon on a Friday used to be pretty darned inconvenient until we got direct-deposit) if they can afford it and are fair to the other employees.

But don't demand that the U.S. adopt your religious holidays as public holidays. We've already got Christmas and Thanksgiving, even though both have been largely secularized. We don't give equal time to other religions in that same way, like making Yom Kippur, one of the holiest days of the year for Jews, a national holiday. Those poor guys have to actually take vacation time for their holy days in some places. I'm not even asking for equal treatment for other religions, although it would be nice. I just want them to realize that other religions exist out there and their adherents are entitled to some privilege as well.

So kwitcherbitchin and stop acting like the kid in grade school who boasts that their father is more important than anyone else's, demanding speshul snowflake privileges. It no longer impresses anyone and just makes them look like brats. Which they are.

I kind of think the world is changing for the better in spite of the tantrums out there. Maybe if we just ignore the foot-stomping and breath-holding and screaming, they'll get the idea.

Or not.

Just an update

2011-04-21T14:56:00.000-05:00

I'm in too much pain to post much today. In fact, I'm heading to a hot shower and going to bed this early while I await the moment I can take a pain pill again. I figure sometime after 10 p.m. the Cymbalta will be out of my system enough. Never taking anti-depressants again!

I decided to uninvite Cicero to the dinner for seven because I figure he'd be such a drag, moaning all the time about this senator and that senator and how the world is going to hell in a handbasket. I decided, in his place, to invite Damh the Bard. His music rocks and he has the British accent and long hair thing going on.

Now, I'm off for a shower, clean the cat box and go to bed.

Dinner for seven

2011-04-19T17:51:00.001-05:00

As I write this, I'm still trying to figure out who to invite to the dinner party Dark Mother has suggested I have. It's a given that she is invited, along with Debra and Tana. I figure we'll eat until we're sick and laugh until we cry because these girls are awesome!

Alongside them, for just sheer hunkery and mind-blowing science is Professor Brian Cox. If I had known science was that sexy, I would have done better in school.

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Another mind crush I have is on Professor Ronald Hutton. I could listen to that man speak all day. He's definitely on the invite list. A total geek but I'm a sucker for long hair and British accents. Not to mention how interesting he is. He makes me want to learn history, like Professor Cox makes me want to learn astro-physics.

Another one on the list would be Marcus Tullius Cicero, although with my politics and spiritual beliefs gone in a different direction, it would be interesting to see him as one who wanted the elite to hang onto the Republic when my sympathies now lie with those who wanted more for the plebeians.

I think that's everyone. We'd have to have the guys show up later so we could have our own party first though.

We're going to have to have this party at a banquet room or something like that because we'd make too much noise for a restaurant. I told you I wasn't cooking!

Off to eat my crummy pizza instead of dining with Professor Cox. sigh

Ponderings, musings, thinkings

2011-04-18T18:23:00.000-05:00

I've been invited by Dark Mother to hold a dinner with six people, either living or dead, and list them on my blog. Alas! I'm having trouble finding more than 2 right now. But I am still working on the invitation list so I will get that out some time this week.

For now, though, I've been doing a lot of pondering, musing, and just downright thinking and after all that effort, I insist on sharing it with you. Whether you want it or not.

As you know, I've been watching Monastery on PBS the past few weeks. I was surprised to find out how much I liked it since I was very wary about watching what I perceived would be a thinly-veiled attempt at proselytizing. In the first place, it wasn't that thinly-veiled and in the second place, they didn't really proselytize. Contradictory, you say? But of course.

There was a lot of drama between two of the men, and another one was focused on a lot, but the one who intrigued me the most got the least coverage. I mentioned him last post: Nick, the Buddhist. At least I thought he was a Buddhist. He got his doctorate in Buddhist Studies and spent a lot of time in Buddhist temples and monasteries all over the world. I was intrigued because, well, he was cute, and because he was the most spiritual of the group. He chafed the least at all the rules and seemed to get the most out of the meditation.

The last episode dealt mostly with the drama between the two guys who were always butting heads, but the focus should have been the Carthusian monastery they visited. Life there was spent mostly in solitude and silence. The trip there was pivotal for a few of the group, mainly Nick, of course. It hit him in a way that he described as nearly pure spirituality. Or something like that. That kind of focus challenged him and woke up a calling he thought he had put to rest...that of the priesthood. I'm thinking, of course, the Buddhist priesthood.

Nope. The Reverend Dr. Nicholas Buxton is now an Anglican priest. And here I thought he was one of the ones having trouble thinking of Jesus as the Son of God. Apparently that was just creative editing as in retrospect, Nick doesn't ever say he doesn't believe, while most of the others do.

Like I said, it didn't hurt that he was very good-looking.

I've read some of his sermons and writings after the fact and he's quite impressive in his perspective. Plus, he actually went back to the Carthusian monastery and spent a month there. That story is especially interesting. This series really did challenge me as well.

No, I'm not joining a monastery. And I'm not going back to Christianity. Although I loved the way it was portrayed in the series, I'm not stupid enough to believe that was what was actually taught there. It was a very secularized version of how monastery life really is. It wasn't an attempt to create Catholics; it was an attempt to challenge them to dig deeper into themselves and find their own path to spirituality. They came out the other side with different perspectives and as different men. One eventually became a Buddhist, another became a believer in Jesus but still disdains church, another reaffirmed his belief in Christianity, albeit Protestant Christianity, another came from agnosticism to believe in God, but not as a Christian. And Nick who found his path to the priesthood.

What I did get out of it was that there are always going to be deeper levels awaiting anyone who wants to look for them. No matter what spiritual path you are walking, there are rest stops available to stop and dig deeper into the reason for the journey. Do I want to avail myself of these rest stops?

That's what I've been pondering, musing, thinking about. What do I want out of all this? I have little discipline in my life, either my secular existence or my spiritual life but I really believe that I would benefit from pushing myself out of my comfort zones as long as the direction I'm pushing myself in will make it worthwhile. I've tried meditation, but only half-heartedly. I haven't really tried because I'm spiritually lazy. Incredibly spiritually lazy. And yet, I would love to be more disciplined and more focused on spirituality. I'm not looking for a retreat or to hide from real life at all. I would just like there to be...more.

Another thing I gained from this series was a relief from the bitterness I felt toward Christianity. I haven't gained a lot as I still feel very bitter toward the institution of Christianity, which I see as being manipulative and deceitful, but I really liked what I saw in these monks. It seemed that they lived more for the Rules of St. Benedict rather than all the rules of Christianity which actually was very impressive as it was all about the good of the society rather than the good of the individual. I wouldn't like to lose myself as an individual. I've already done that and am the worse for it. But thinking of the greater good first would be so much better for society than thinking that I've got what I want so screw everyone else.

I'm not sure what I'm going to do with all this yet. Initially I only intend to find some structure in my disheveled life and take baby steps toward that rest stop where I can stop and enjoy my spiritual surroundings. Then we'll see. I've never, ever in my life done more than just accept what was taught to me. I've never tried to find my own truths. I think that is my first step.

And this should also help me in my endeavor to learn to like myself enough to treat me like I deserve to be treated.

And now off to plan my guest list for my dinner party with the dead and the living.