Thursday, July 28, 2011

God, Satan, the serpent and Prometheus

I ponder a lot; I always have, but not everything I ponder ever makes it out of my head because some things are either too frightening to speak about or blasphemous.  I realize I still have much hostility toward Christianity so I chewed on this for a couple of days before deciding that, well, this is my blog and I can write about whatever I want so...

Back when Zach was in junior high and I was homeschooling him from a Christian perspective, I used to read the Bible aloud to him and we would discuss it.  It was all the bible curriculum I had, after wasting money on specific, useless curricula from very fundamentalist perspectives.  Of course I started with Genesis and Matthew and just read our way through but as I read, specifically the Old Testament, I started getting thoughts in my head that wouldn't go away.  At the time, of course, I attributed them to Satan because what I was thinking was absolutely blasphemous from a Christian perspective.

I began noticing the really evil attributes of God/Yahweh.  The thought occurred to me that maybe God was really who we claimed Satan to be.  I mean, here is a deity who demands you either worship him or suffer eternal torment, tortures babies, commits human sacrifice (and attempted sacrifice in the story of Isaac and Abraham), kills off whole nations of people who don't worship him, including infants and children, and livestock.  He sends an emissary to tell Pharaoh to let the Israelites go and then manipulates Pharaoh's mind so he won't let them go so he can torture the Egyptians and kill their firstborn in order to demonstrate that he and he alone is god.

He has an ego the size of the universe, demands perfection from people whom he created to be imperfect, creates people to love another person of their own gender and then pronounces a death sentence on them for it, among other things.  It really doesn't get all that much better in the New Testament, but I'll let this much suffice for now.

Of course, I was horrified by those thoughts, and yet they never ever left my mind.  Yesterday I talked to Zach about it and he mentioned that I wasn't alone in my thinking...that he and others have thought the same thing.  So he brought up Prometheus as a comparison to the serpent in the garden.  Prometheus was trying to make mankind independent of the gods and give them a chance at life.  The serpent was trying to give mankind the knowledge to be independent of the gods and have a chance at life  I hadn't thought about it that way before but it does make sense that maybe the serpent wasn't the bad guy after all.

My religious upbringing involved a lot of contrast and compare with Satan and God, even though technically they weren't opposites.  And yet there was that Zoroastrian duality taught all my life.  Sure, they gave Satan limitations, but apparently he was omniscient, omnipotent and everywhere all at once just like God was. And although it has become a fad that you have to rebuke Satan verbally because he can't read minds, this is hogwash as I was taught all my life to keep my thoughts pure so Satan didn't corrupt them.  So apparently he does too read minds.

Truth is, I don't believe in an evil entity who rebelled against God and is determined to turn us all away from the heavenly father who loves us so much he commits human sacrifice so that a select few can spend eternity gazing in awe and adoration at him.  I think Satan was a construct used to explain why bad things happen to good people because if God is all good and created everything, then where did evil come from?

When I think about it, more evil has been done under the banner of Christianity than any other.  So what religion is more evil?  Paganism, with love for Nature and tolerance for all or a system that makes rules no one can live under, causes death and destruction of whole civilizations conquering them in the name of their god, and excludes the majority of mankind from the blessings of its deity.

So yeah, still very bitter especially in light of the overwhelming Dominionist surge in the political realm and the way they've been allowed to spew their hatred and violent rhetoric in the press with impunity.  Do they think they're winning souls for Christ?  Hardly.  Nothing they've said or done will ever entice me back to a system of slavery, guilt and pain.

And we're the ones who are evil?


Monday, July 25, 2011

Getting new stuff is so exhilarating

Although I'm exhausted today it is normal exhaustion from work done, not exhaustion from depression or fibromyalgia.  Odd how one can feel the difference.

I'm triply blessed right now.  My orders from came in so quickly I barely had time to think about them.  I got the oracle cards and ritual prayer book on Saturday and the Green Man pendant just a few minutes ago.  I love the prayer book; it's a great companion to the other prayer book I have (both having been written by the same author...Ceisiwr Serith.  And I love the oracle cards, especially because they are animal oracle cards.  I hope to find time to learn them very soon.  But I love the pendant. It's even more beautiful in person.

The more grounded I seem to get on this path the more I think my ritual practices and altar arrangement need a bit of refining.  Especially as I add divination and magick to my practices.  I keep too many candles out and that clutters up my space for actually working.  I need to view it less aesthetically and more functionally.  And focus, too, on how best to address the God/desses I am called to.  I might start easing into my Lughnasadh altar arrangement as well.  I have added another altar to my home, in the bathroom.  It's also an incentive to keep the bathroom counter uncluttered as well, but my eagle, owls, incense and candle are there now, which makes me feel oddly better.  I now have an altar in every room in the house aside from Tom's rooms and Zach's bedroom.  And the basement.  Not even Hades would want to be associated with that room.  Maybe after I clean it a year or two...I'll make a place for one of the Deities there.  It's just too bad right now and I'd probably piss off any God/dess I tried to worship down there.

I'm also planning on incorporating much more study into my life.  Not just spiritual, but academic as well.  I'm signed up on the free part of Open University to read a course on the Enlightenment.  It's an era little studied in high school.  I just hope I can discipline myself to the degree that I am balanced enough to help take care of Zach's physical and emotional needs right now.  I'm convinced he has Asperger's, especially since he tested high on an online test for people on that spectrum.  I suspected he was autistic when he was little but he was so highly functional, I didn't think it was possible.  Now that I know about Asperger's, I feel like I have the answer for his various and sundry eccentricities.  There are routines that are impossible for him to establish in his life so I'll need to be his timepiece and babysitter, in a way.  He's still highly functional but that doesn't mean he's able to manage all by himself.

Oh, and Dark Mother, my new prayer book has prayers to Kuan Yin!  Very cool.


Friday, July 22, 2011

Full Moon energy is good stuff

I am definitely performing Full Moon rituals from now on.  I worked all day cleaning and organizing and I still have energy left over to possibly clean another room before I crash into bed.  I've been thanking Hecate and Brighid all day.  I still have 2 loads of laundry to finish up and de-cluttering the dining room.  I'm afraid I'll wake up tomorrow completely spent and unable to move a muscle.

Or I might just call it a night after the laundry (which has to be done tonight) and hope for the best tomorrow.  Suddenly I'm feeling my energy draining away.  It is almost 10 p.m. after all.

I plan on changing my altar for Lughnasadh tomorrow while I'm cleaning.  Might as well make a clean sweep of it, getting my house in order and all.  I did spend some time reading and studying this morning.  I didn't take notes as I used to in order to read more quickly.  I can always go back and take notes later.  I'm pondering doing an initiation of sorts to cement my decision to follow this path.   I'll know when it's the right decision, I'm sure.

Well, as the energy is ebbing away I should finish up what I must tonight and make up the couch into a bed and have some private time with the God/desses and call it a night.  I don't even think I'm going to knit tonight.


Thursday, July 21, 2011

I love buying for my spiritual wants

I spent a little money this week on things spiritual.  A new pendant because my triple moon pendant fell off the cord and disappeared somewhere on the property but either the faeries took it or it just left me.  Either way, it's gone and I don't really feel its loss, oddly.  I haven't felt a kinship with Hecate of late and I wonder if that was part of it, although I invoked her at the Full Moon and felt her presence there quite vividly.

At any rate, I picked a pewter Green Man since the wildness of Nature has been calling to me for a while.  I need to actually get out in it now that it's no longer steaming outside.  Household chores will keep me occupied until Sunday at least so I should make plans for next week.  Especially as Lughnasadh is imminent and I still need to set up the faerie garden/grove.  But with in-laws coming I must make the house presentable so my husband isn't ashamed of me.  It's sad that he is so frequently ashamed of me around his family, but the pain of those experiences has long since calloused my heart so I no longer feel it.

I counter that with his acceptance of my spiritual path and it makes everything bearable.  The scales balance, in a way.

I also ordered A Pagan Ritual Prayer Book, a sort of companion to A Pagan Book of Prayer.  And I ordered the Druid Animal Oracle Deck as well.  I would like to invest more time in learning about diviniation, meditation and ritual.  Aside from some minor spells, I don't really feel a pull toward magick as yet.  Maybe in the future, but I'm not in any hurry.

I'm still tooling along with Triumph of the Moon.  Parts of it are fascinating; other parts are a bit of a sleeping pill.  Mostly it's because of the heat, I think.  My poor old brain overheats on the best of days and trying to use it on a hot day probably put me on overload.  I miss the days when my brain worked efficiently.

It will be good to have the house clean.  I know that order begets order and I do function better when the house is clean.  My brain doesn't overheat as much, I retain much more of what I read and I'm more inclined to be creative.  Chaos drains me empty.  Since the Full Moon my debilitating fatigue hasn't returned and although I'm not terribly energetic, I can function.  Which I couldn't before.  I must make every effort to perform a Full Moon ritual since in the past full moons tend to drain me dry and leave me nearly incapacitated.  I wish I could remember what I did.  I also should guard my energy during the dark of the moon as well.  I have the same problem.

At any rate, lovely prayer last night with the God/desses with the feeling that all is well.  I think one of the things I love best about the God/desses is how patient they are with me and how unconditional their love is.  I've never known that kind of love before and it's taken me a while to accept it.  Now if I could only love myself that way.


Wednesday, July 20, 2011

Learning curve

I have been wilting in this heat feeling decidedly unspiritual.  I did have a lovely full moon ritual at the family altar with incredible results.  I was energized the next day, even to the degree that I walked the dog and ate well.  Then the heat set in and I haven't lit a single candle or uttered a single prayer.

It's been a good lesson for me how self-centered I can be.  It never occurred to me to use my electric candles and my prayer book still works when the weather is crap.  I, however, don't.  Not too well, at least.  But it's a lesson that I needed to learn:  the Gods are still there even when I'm too focused on myself to acknowledge them.  And so I should take extra care during those times of self-pity to focus on others rather than myself.

Oddly this lesson didn't hurt as bad from a Pagan perspective.  When I was a Christian it came across harshly and in a mean-spirited way.  There was never a gentle touch to it, just a virtual slap to the face and an admonition to keep my eyes on Jesus and I wouldn't have time to feel sorry for myself.  I'm so glad the Gods aren't as mean-spirited as some Christians can be.

So, lesson learned and plans made to work through it.  And lots of leeway given to myself for those times I drop the ball in the future.  No more beating myself up.

And I'm planning on an electric candle tonight.  I really don't need anymore heat in this house.


Thursday, July 14, 2011

It's the little things

I've been a bit down lately with my extra appendage:  depression.  But on the way to town the other day I saw a turkey by the side of the road.  A lone turkey, just standing by a field.  It brought tears to my eyes for no reason.  With the eaglets gone and the webcam dark, I miss those little guys more than I thought I would.  So on the way to town yesterday I saw a hawk swooping over something in a corn field.  A woodchuck by the side of the road, my beloved crows hanging in the thicket behind the house cheering me on when I work out in the yard.  All these things matter to me more than they did when I was younger.  I'm not sure why or when the change started, but that world out there, that I ignored most of my youth, brings more joy to me than a new car would.

Well, maybe not as my car is on its last legs.  But I certainly find more joy in them than I do most material things.

I must spend more time outside though.  I need to get my faerie garden/grove set up so I have a place to sit in the morning and enjoy my morning coffee and birdsong.  Certainly better than the morning news.  Plus it would help my depression, I'm sure to absorb that vitamin A from the sun, beloved Lugh and his healing properties.

I'm getting anxious to make my preparations for Lughnasadh, been reading up on Lugh and various rituals for that day.  I'm burning up my yellow candle as that is the color of Lugh for me, so that I have a fresh candle to burn between now and Samhain.  Come Samhain, I put his candle away until after Yule to signify the time before his rebirth.

I've been reading more on offerings and sacrifice and I finally understand it, thanks mostly to Nellie and her wonderful way at explaining things.  It's something I want to incorporate in my worship of the God/desses and something that I intend to start doing.  I have been saving my burned incense for a year that I was going to bury in the garden when I planted it but I forgot.  It's not too late; I can still do that.  And invoke the land spirits at that time as well.

I'm also re-examining the Greek/Roman gods as well.  Not that I plan on forsaking my beloved Celtic guides, but because I believe there is an ancient connection between them.  There are worship practices among the Greek polytheists that seem similar to the Celtic practices.  They are aspects I would like to examine more, although I am quite content with those who have called me.

I'm still plugging along with Triumph of the Moon and am really enjoying it.  I've just finished reading about the Goddess and the God or more specifically, about Diana and Pan.  That's where I began to think of an ancient connection between the Celts and the Greeks.  I had read about it a long time ago and saw it on a documentary so I'd like to look further into it.

I'm also getting antsy to get my drawing pencils out again.  And maybe even my paints.  Who knows?  I need to be careful not to overload my senses though as I can do that and end up sitting on the couch doing nothing creatively.

For not, though, I'm working on a sweater for Zach for him to wear to work, should he get a job.  I'm trying to knit intentions into it although I admit I do watch a lot of television while I knit as it helps me get a lot more done.  Still, I do try to put my intentions into my crafts.

Plus I need to dye my hand spun singles and ply them.  Then scour my Shetland wool and process that as well.  You'd think with all I have to do I would be motivated to get it done.  That's the perfidy of depression.  Your mental health betrays you when you need it the most.

Off to lie about and knit for tonight though.  And meditate a bit on offering and sacrifice.


Monday, July 11, 2011

Family ties that choke

Remember when I mentioned that Tom was respectful of my practices and that I was learning to not shut down when he walked into the room?  Well, forget that.  I was attending my altar yesterday morning and was standing in front of my altar praying when Tom came downstairs and started talking to me, which I didn't respond to as I was trying to concentrate on my prayers.  Then he came into the living room looking for Professor's ball, digging around my feet looking under the skirt of the altar for it, hollering at Professor to come and play and then playing ball with him right behind me.

I finally gave up with apologies to the God/desses.  But I was a bit downcast the rest of the weekend.

I must learn the difference between someone saying what they believe and how they act that out.  I'm always fooled and betrayed by it.

I called my mother this morning because if I don't keep in touch, there is a family intervention.  I'm not kidding.  So I called and in the course of the discussion she asked if Zach could use our pastor as a character reference on his employment applications.  Well, in the first place, most businesses, unless they are run by Christians, don't want to see that as most pastors don't give honest evaluations, not wanting to piss off church members.  But I mentioned we weren't going there anymore...and...there...was...dead...silence.  I've been pretty sure that my older sister, the American Baptist minister who has been snitching on me all my life told her I was a Pagan now because I was subject to a few miraculous "examples" of proof that God exists around the time Peg found out.  Then I wasn't so sure because the lectures died out.  But now I figure she either didn't believe Peg or believed she had changed my mind.  At any rate, she was not happy.

But I changed the subject which she was happy to do as she lives on a river in Egypt and always has.  Zach told me the other day I would be happier if I was completely out of the broom closet but I'm telling you that the interventions haven't begun yet and I would be bombarded by nearly every family member telling me how my eternal soul was in danger of damnation, not to mention having to listen to what an evil child I've been all my life.

I have spent the greater part of my life believing I was the dysfunctional one in the family because to society they look so fucking normal.  Now I believe I was no more dysfunctional than they are but at least I know I am.

Still, I'm not ready to out myself.

And I'm not ready to end the relationship with my family because it's not as easy as just shutting down communication.  I would be relentlessly harassed by other members of the family who would tell me how much I'm hurting our parents and what a bad daughter I am, etc.  I'm just not ready for that.

I do miss having some kind of family interaction but for as long as I can remember it's always been about conforming to their way of life and me having to change who I am.  I absolutely never had the option to be myself around them.  Except when I was a fundie.  They seemed to like that even while finding fault with every other aspect of myself.

I really hope reincarnation is true because I'd really like a better shot at life with better relationships and better choices.  Not that it's a given or anything. 

In the meantime, I try to keep conversations about gardening and the weather.  It's the only safe subjects to talk about.


Friday, July 8, 2011

Building my foundations

It's definitely summer here.  I've spent the past few nights murdering mosquitoes.  I'm not big on killing animals or creatures of any kind, which makes my omnivorous diet a bit of a quandry.  Still, that whole circle of life thing, you know.  But mosquitoes don't get to live in my house, and since I can't escort them to the door like I can flies or spiders, they die.  I killed 12 last night, 27 the night before.  There is a hole somewhere in this house where they've charging admission.  Ideally I would love to be a vegan but I need meat in my diet and I love leather.

And no, I"m not going to feel guilty about it anymore. 

I was able to get some reading done this morning before things got hectic.  Triumph of the Moon is wonderful so far but I'm still in the first chapter, where Professor Hutton is talking about the history of Paganism and how it became viewed as a vicious and evil religion.  Some of it I already knew, other things were eye-openers.  When I was homeschooling Zach, in a Christian-themed sense, I had several books by G. A. Henty which were boy-adventure-type books similar to the ones he discusses from the Victorian period.  Like the earlier books, the Henty books pitted young boys against evil Pagan cultures and only their faith in the Christian God got them out of it.

Yes, Christianity, the religion of lies and hyperbole.  But as long as they "spread the kingdom" who cares?

I'm also getting a lot out of The Druid Tradition by Philip Carr-Gomm.  I'm up to the chapter about the 8 festivals so lots of interesting stuff there.  But I also had some books come in at the library, one political and the other about lymphedema, so I need to pick up a bit on the reading.

I'm feeling more energetic today which helps me spiritually as well. Zach and I plan on working in the yard this weekend, getting the faerie garden/grove set up for a full moon ritual in addition to planting some flowers and working in the vegetable garden.  All my crystals need to be charged as well as consecrating some altar tools that seem to have lost their energy as well.

Once I feel like I've built a foundation spiritually I believe I want to learn more about magick.  When I first became a Pagan, I assumed magick was an important aspect of it.  Since then I've realized it's not necessarily.  In fact, in some cases, I've noticed that magick doesn't play a part at all.  My initial excitement about casting spells wore out quite quickly but I've begun to lean in that direction again.  But I'm not ready yet.  I must build that foundation first.

I can hear my cardinal singing in the thicket at the back of the property.  He/she serenades me around this time of day.  What a lovely song it is.  And I must get back to my daily chores now that it's cooled off a bit.  I find myself relying more and more on Brighid these past days as I've been working on regaining my health and strength.  It's been very hard for me to lean on the God/desses as my trust factor is still pretty low.  But I'm getting there.


Thursday, July 7, 2011

What Nellie says and how it changed my mind about sacrifice

I'm going to use Nellie's comments from the last post as my entry today because it's full of very good and useful information and insight.  It makes me see sacrifice in a new light and not quite the enemy I presumed it to be.  I always learn a lot from her. 

One thing I love about the Brython group I'm involved with is that they'll tell it to me like it is. If I'm talking bollocks, that's what they'll tell me. It's not about being intolerant of other people's path, it's more about keeping each other accountable so you don't float off into a fantasy world where most of the pagan world is too afraid to tell you you're barmy incase it seem like you're being intolerant. There's a difference, so I see no problem with you telling it how you see it LOL!

From my own point of view I think maybe your old Christian understand of sacrifice is colouring things for you, and not in a good way. Christian sacrifice is about going without, giving yourself the harsh treatment etc etc. You get it far better than I do. But in pagan/druid/recon terms it doesn't have the same connotations (IMHO). In the case of burning things it isn't to destroy them but to transform them from the physical to the spiritual level. If you spend months on a piece of beauty as an offering to the gods you want to be able to give it to them right? But they can't take it in its physical form because they are spirit, so the burning changes the form of your gift to them so that they can actually accept the gift. I might have understood the details wrong, but I think that is basically it. Sacrifice though is often about reenacting a primal truth. The Indo-European faiths are all generally built upon the notion that it was sacrifice that created the universe in the first place. Either sacrifice of a god or goddess or of the first man. According to Cesirw Serith in that earliest religion sacrifice maintains the balance of the world and stops chaos overtaking and destroying the world so the rituals of sacrifice (whatever they might have involved as we can only speculate and try to reconstruct something plausible) were performed to keep the forces of chaos from destroying the world by reenacting that first sacrifice. This comes from his book 'Deep Ancestors' but if you take a look at his website you can read the book online for free (highly reccommended! I don't agree with all his thoughts but its a hugely interesting read and has added so much depth to my personal practise). The idea of sacrifice doesn't have to mean going without or destroying something either. The breaking of a loaf and offering it to the gods is a perfectly suitable sacrifice for the 21st century! :D
I hope I have come across too preachy, Gods know you've had enough of that! Just thought it might be another angle that you might find interesting?
Blessings my lovely, and I commend you for finding your voice :)

~Nellie @abitofgardeningspirit

Wednesday, July 6, 2011

Sacrifice...not my thing

In spite of being in the same house 24/7 Zach and I rarely have talks unless we leave the house.  Today was one of those days, being an errand day.  We had a nice talk on the way there about spiritual things, one aspect of which was sacrifice.  I mentioned to him the Isaac Bonewits lecture I had listened to on Druidcast and one thing he mentioned was the way they performed sacrifices.  By throwing precious items into a fire to burn up and so please the Gods, I suppose.  Phaedra mentioned that if all you could afford were wilted dandelions, the Gods would be pleased but if you could afford long-stemmed roses and you offered dandelions, they wouldn't be.

I had to mull over that for several days but I am extremely uncomfortable with that concept.  The notion of  "widow's mite" from the New Testament, meaning she gave all she had while the Pharisees only gave a minute portion of what they had was never a comforting scripture for me.  I mean, why on earth would you give all your money away when you didn't have anything else?  To me, that's more along the lines of the penitentials in the early Celtic church.  The more you sacrificed, the more you abased yourself, the more you physically punished yourself, the closer you were to God.  It was so hard as a Christian to hear about how I was supposed to sacrifice my time, my energy, my money to God while others seemed to be getting the blessings.  All I got was broke.

I just don't get why the Gods would be pleased if you spent years working on a project only to throw it in the fire.  Seems a bit arrogant to me...on both sides.  I personally wouldn't want to worship a god who liked it when we destroyed works of art or talents so no one else could enjoy them.  Personally I think of Lugh as a master-craftsman and I can't see him being pleased at all about all that waste.  I also think it's arrogant to think that your efforts must culminate in a bonfire to be appreciated.  As if your sacrifice is more pleasing to the gods than someone who offered those dandelions.  Since you have to announce before the entire group what your sacrifice is, it seems a bit prideful.

The way I understand the Gods is that they are appreciative of our talents and the efforts we make to appreciate them, that they bestow their blessings on those efforts, not in the actual destruction of them.

There are a lot of things I don't get about reconstructionists, but one thing I've noticed is that they all bear a resemblance to aspects of Christianity.  I'm not sure which came first...the chicken or the egg...but those familiarities turn me aside from that path.

I"m not saying reconstructionists are doing it wrong or that they're awful people.  I just don't agree with their views on Deity or the way Deity is to be worshiped.  Well, I will say that christian recons are doing it wrong as they are hellbent on ruining it for the rest of us.  I know...not showing a lot of tolerance there.  But having been the victim of their bile and intentions of turning this into a nation of christian recons, they frighten me.  So I'm not going to tolerate that kind of fear-mongering...or that kind of bigotry and hatred. 

At one time I was uncomfortable critiquing other paths, feeling like that was intolerant and far from unifying.  But that mindset puts me in a prison where I'm not allowed to have opinions about anything.  So I've broken free from that prison.  I would never tell anyone not to follow the path laid out before them, but I will voice my opinion on how that path doesn't work for me.  And why.

Thanks to Nellie and Dark Mother in my last post for offering some wonderful advice that I intend to take.  Slow down, build the foundation before seeking the deeper things, and enjoy the journey.  I keep forgetting that.  Thanks.


Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Sidewalk concerts, books and trying to muddle through

We were driving home from StuffMart last week and were nearly home when we were "treated" to a Christian concert on the streets of our bitty town.  Right across from the town's ice cream parlor.  I wondered how enchanted the customers were, sitting outside trying to enjoy their ice cream while listening to loud "praise" music.  I suppose if you were a Christian, you were probably thrilled.  Not so much if you weren't.  We were just driving through but we weren't happy about it.  For one thing, they were totally blocking the sidewalk.  I can't imagine that's legal.  For another, I was forced to listen to their spiel even if I didn't want to.  It's episodes like this, where Christians insist on cramming their religion down everyone's throats that make it hard for me to get over my bitterness.  And I do try.

I've been trying to read more lately but my concentration, like my energy, sucks.  I'm very slowly pacing through Triumph of the Moon by Professor Ronald Hutton, upon whom I have a massive brain crush.  Plus I'm listening to the Druidcast as often as I can.  I finished up the lecture with Isaac Bonewits.  Unfortunately I wasn't as enthralled with his perspective at the end of the lecture as I was at the beginning.  I've had the same trouble with other teachers as well.  It starts off amazing and interesting, but by the end of their books or lectures, I find fault with their logic or reasoning.  I don't know if it's just me or if they really do have problems fleshing out their logic and reasoning.

Still, I gleaned some good grain from his talk in spite of my disillusionment.  I had read one of his books and had the same problem.  Maybe my expectations are too high.

Right now I'm listening to Philip Carr-Gomm talking about magick.  So far, so good.  We'll see if I am disenchanted with him as well.  I'm also reading The Druid Tradition by him and surprisingly haven't found myself disappointed yet.  And I'm very near the end of that book.

Professor Hutton's book is hard reading for me with my difficulty in concentrating, largely because his thought processes are complex and the print is tiny.  Still, I'm taking my time and muddling through.  I know it's controversial so I want to read for myself instead of letting a blogger define how I feel about the situation.

I'm also muddling through some other books I have on Druidry.  Those have bigger print and are easier to read because, while there is some mighty deep thinking going on, the writing is much less complex.

Aside from some knitting and reading, I'm not getting a lot done, which frustrates me.  I know this fatigue is very real and not me just being lazy but it's hard to believe it.  And if I can't believe it, how can I expect my husband to believe it.  Things were a bit deflating this weekend with snide remarks from him and him not helping me out.  I know he's tired; he works 70 hour weeks consistently. 

I do need to take steps toward better health, one being getting rid of the junk food and not buying anymore.  I tend to tell myself I'll start a health kick as soon as I've finished up all the junk.  Then I just go out and buy more in a moment of weakness.  Hell, I live in moments of weakness.  Hours, days, to be honest.  It doesn't help that it's hot and the only room with air conditioning is Zach's room, which I won't let him use unless the heat is over 90F.  Just can't afford a/c.

I'm also frustrated that I've not been delving into deeper spiritual mines.  I want to but as soon as my brain starts thinking in that direction, I get distracted by one thing or another or lose patience and just quit.  Today while lighting Brighid's candle for morning devotions, I just blanked out and sat looking at the candle for at least 3 minutes.  It occurred to me that maybe that's what I need to do instead of trying to force my mind into a place it's not ready for.

Then I got distracted by the wax overflowing the candle-holder.

Oh, well...I can only do my best and hope that each day I improve on that score. 

May tomorrow be better than today.